A
female
age
,
*ust really need a friend
writes:I know I have already figured out what I need to do, but, still have questions about why a man would do what the man I loved did. Two men actually, but will just concentrate on the first for right now. I am a real life soap opera without meaning to be. I'm just attractive enoough to attracte the very thing I don't want. I never meet a stranger; comes from growing up in a small town. I have found out that I send out signals that I have no idea that I have sent out. I was married and working in same office as my husband. My now ex is a functional alchoholic and I knew that my marriage was over for five years before it came to a time that I finally made a decision to leave the marriage. I hadn't told anyone because I have children and just didn't know if I had the courage to put everyone through the mess; plus, it was a "too bad to stay/too good to leave" situation. I realized the only thing keeping me in the marriage was my children. My desk at work was surrounded by men that I adored. Guy Guys that would have me cracking up laughing from the pit of my stomache every day. I loved these guys and thought of them as my friends. They would play practicle jokes on me and I would return the favor. I was only put on the team for six weeks (they were switching out supervisors), but, I remained friends with these guys even after my move. I didn't think anything about it. Shortly after this, an episode with my husband took place that was the straw that broke the camels back. I finally told him that I didn't see how our marriage was going to survive, but, I was 100% committed to trying to work it out. The problem was, he would never admit he had a problem; this caused him to drink more and things actually got worse than better; he wouldn't seek counseling with me but I went on my own. He was jeoulous of one of my guy friends so I stopped talking to that friend. Still, after four months of hell, I moved out of the bedroom and told him our marriage was over and we came up with a plan that I thought we both agreed on; i would move out as soon as possible and after we told the children; and that is what we did. A couple of months after we were separated, my husband was still acting like we were a happy couple at work. This irrated me and I just needed to talk to a friend. I decided to tell one of my guy frineds what was going on; one of the frineds that I used to sit by (one mentioned above but not the one my husband was jeolous of. He had gone through a rather nasty divorce several years earlier and I started really leaning on him. He said he didn't mind. Because of everything that had been going on, and my husband talking at me till wee hours of the night during the decision making process, my job was suffering and my coworker friend that I had been confiding in told me he would not let me lose my job and walked me through that as well. I adored him and was so thankful to have a friend like him. He was my hero. I was not sexually attracted to him (he weighed over 300 lbs and was not physically appealing to me.) But, I think he started mistaking my adoration for attraction. He started coming on to me really strong, and, because I loved him on a platonic level, and he had been so good to me, I thought he deserved a chance. I knew I wasnt really ready and we tried to wait, but, to my surprise, he could really turn me on. I made sure he understood that i was not interested in a cheap office affair or friend with benefit; that this was leading to the real thing. It was fun and exhilerating and I was actually happpy at that idea of our being together after my divorce. Then, little by little, I felt him "rethinking" things. He didn't have to tell me, but it hurt and yet I was understanding; things had been moving pretty fast and unexpectadly; still what ended up happening is a yo you affect. my feelings never changed back to just wanting to be friends; his were the ones that did. He was still having or trying to have sex with me (depending on how strong I was at the time), and seeing other woemen; even having a steady girlfriend. I would get upset with him every other weekend. We would try to be just frineds but it would only last for a few days before we were back to the "gray" area. He said he loved me but he never wanted to get married to anyone. Yet, he would have a steady girlfriend; He would actually act panicy if he thought I was never going to be around as his frined; but, he could never give other women up or treat me as a real girlfriend; yet, he kept trying to have sex with me. In the long run, I realized this girl he was dating was a real girlfriend, and as much as I didn't want to believe it, he was a cheater. I found that six hours after he had wanted me to come over and give him a massage (which I refused to do although I had agreed to meet him so he could talk about something that was oging on with him), she was with them and they appeard to declared their love for each other on facebook. I was crushed. So, I guess what I want to know is if I was played or if it is possible for a man to love two women, just differently. I know he will eventually contact me back and he has told me that He will not gross the friendshiop line --- that I don't have to deal with that anymore (he has said that before, though); that he still does not intend to ever marry and that while he cares for this current girlfriend, she is not "the one". I know in my brain to move on; but my heart wants hope that one day he will be the man I fell in love with that wants a lasting relationship with me; not afraid to tell the world kind of love. Would appreciate your thoughts.
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affair, at work, cheap, co-worker, crush, divorce, facebook, fell in love, love two, move on, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Just really need a friend +, writes (9 September 2012):
Just really need a friend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes, male reader.. you are right and I am following your direction. But this is what is driving me crazy. Here is what just happened this week. I told him that he was a cheater and I didn't want to be friends with a cheater and not to contact me if that was the kind of person he was. This happened four days ago. Today, I got a text from him that says: "the joys of being singel and working 65 hours a week or more" Then he ask me a question about my job search (since I am looking for a new job). This is the kind of thing he does. Last week I told him not to contact me unless he had changed. He can't let me go but he won't give me a relationship. I know, I know....I'm not answering his text. I know, I know...I should block his text....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): I think everybody has answered your question pretty succinctly, vulnerable woman cries on man's shoulder, who uses her for sex while cheating on his GF.He is not your friend! He is/was using you!I agree, you need to take some time for yourself, you have kids, focus on them and making a new life for yourself. Once you find your inner harmony and balance then can you move forward and find a man who will respect you and give you what you want.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Just really need a friend +, writes (9 September 2012):
Just really need a friend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was one of the those things where he just said she was a girl he was dating...like he was dating around...then it was "the" girl he was dating but not "the one"...then it became his girlfriend. I guess I just want to keep thinking that, while I wasn't the one for him, he is still a good guy and it was me not him....but, I guess he really is just a douchbag in tin foil. In admitting he is a real shit, I have to admit that I was real stupid...didn't want to have to admit to that, either.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 September 2012):
 I'm sorry if I offended you with the affair comment, but honestly wasn't it one? He has seeing someone who he called his STEADY girlfriend, so what does that make you? You were aware of this GF right? You had a choice to say no to sex?
You may not have realized that he saw and opportunity to use your vulnerability. but you are now, so that means you need to be in CHARGE of your own actions.
He is not your knight in shining armor, more like a douchebag in tinfoil.
Again, sorry if I offended you. I can only go by what I feel & think when I read a post and answer it as honestly as possible.
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A
female
reader, Just really need a friend +, writes (8 September 2012):
Just really need a friend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate both answers. What I didn't include before is that my divorce will have been final for one year in October and the late night chats with my ex where just the four months that we were supposedly trying to work things out...when we were still sharing a bed and I had not yet moved out of the bedroom. However, I think the reply about my having an affair is what is distasteful to me. It was never the way I wanted to see myself and I thought I had made that clear to my guy friend...however, over the year and half that we have been dancing, I have realized that I am the one as to how the relationship goes. I think that my worse fear came true because I was afraid that I would find out what is probably the truth. Someone that I loved and trusted was not a real friend to me after all....
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2012):
 If'n you were my Sister, I would slap you up side your head and say, "STOP having ANYTHING to do with ANY man/men for the moment. DON'T let yourself fall in to the trap of believing that you MUST have a "man friend"..... as if that is some sort of goal in life..."
Then,... "IF, after six months, or a year... or HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES for YOU to get comfortable with YOURSELF, you would like to seek out some man-friendship.... then, and ONLY THEN, look about and see if there's any guy who you would like to spend time with....."
C'mon, Just Really, you KNOW that you need to step back from the turmoil in your life.... AND you can't make any adult decisions until you do!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 September 2012):
I'm not sure why you would in a sense" degrade" yourself to having an affair (cause that is what is was) with this guy, he HAS/HAD a steady GF. I don't care how much he SAID he wanted to be with you... You should have held off as he was seeing someone else.
YOU are responsible for YOUR own action. You say that HE will not cross the friendship line, but you think he would because he has in the past.. SO have YOU. It takes 2 to tango on the sheets. You CAN actually say no. Hopefully.
As for your husband, I think a divorce was right for you and I honestly, would cutter the late night chatter with the soon-to-be-ex husband.
I think, and this is of course my own person view, that people SHOULDN'T date til the ink is dry. It only complicates everything. The divorce and alienation might have been YEARS in the making, and you and your husband might have emotionally separated YEARS ago, but for all intend and purpose you are STILL married til the divorce is final.
I also think, that the SMART thing to do is TAKE some time and adjust to NOT being married before jumping into something new. Take the time to become independent and figuring out what you KNOW you want from a new relationship.
You are not a victim, so don't let this "friend" cross that line.
And last but not least, ever heard the saying - don't crap where you eat? Which is a good saying for DO NOT do office romance.
Good luck.
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