A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is is possible when a guy says that he doesn't want a relationship to change his mind through time??I have met a guy recently who has said that he is not ready for a relationship but last time we met - we talked lots and he did say that I spoke alot of sense with some of the comments that I was making about some of his past feelings on relationships i.e deal with the issues and move on and live life or continue to feel the way that he was feeling and go and live in a cave!!!After all - you can't blame every woman for the actions of an ex.Would love to hear from men on your thoughts on this. So this guy has been hurt and has been keeping everyone at arms length but we get on really well and the sex is incredible between us. I appreciate that it's early days but is it possible for a mans emotions to change when he has met someone that could be right??? We have agreed to see what happens - no pressure but of course I am keeping everything crossed in the hope that it works out!Many thanks
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (23 September 2009):
 Hey - some never figure it out.
;-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Lola - your very sweet!
Yes - easy to slip back into old patterns and I have to count to 10 before I respond to anything! But feeling like I am in control and basically not feeling crappy anymore after doing something that only makes me feel cheap as I can't deny my emotions - it's a good feeling!
Sheesh - only took me 38 years to get a little better at this dating mularkey!!!!!
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (23 September 2009):
GREAT! Good luck and enjoy!
Now, while you are finding success, keep it up! Keep the words everyone has written in your mind and do NOT go back to your old ways... (I say this because often people change a behaviour, find success and then go back to old patterns).
I think everyone here is very proud of you... Have a great weekend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a little update!
I haven't pressured this guy BUT have some set some very clear boundaries - I won't see him just for a few hours as that is a booty call to me and I have turned down meeting him a few times now when I have thought that I deserved more than what he was offering. I honestly think that though it was rather frustrating to do (i love seeing him!!!!) - it has worked wonders in how he views me :-)
We're not doing the whole exclusive thing by any means yet but there has been a whole different change in his attitude which I like - he is actually coming up to see me at the weekend - thats a 2 hour drive which he promised that he would do so I feel as if he is standing by his words now.
Time will tell on this one but I am feeling a whole lot more clearer about the situation now. Thank you everyone for your responses!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Lola, yep - I kind like the idea of not mentioning it until he contacts me again but we had been texting today so would feel a little mean if I didn't acknowledge it at all. So - an ecard sounds like a great idea!
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (18 September 2009):
If you do anything, have it be a card or an e-card. Make it a funny one, not a cheesey mushy one.
I would prefer not to acknowledge it until he contacts you again. Then say "Oh, you had a birthday, didn't you? Next time we're together, I will buy you a drink!"
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anonymous - yep, what's that all about 'pop over'!!!
To be honest - my instincts are telling me to hold on for a while longer. Am by no means being treated like poop and he never just dissapears, he always is in contact and I never just drop everything at his beck and call - never! I think that he beginning to get that it's all or nothing but I do appreciate that this will take time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): Well, may be there is a hope. W/my guy i would turn him down (it's funny he liked to use this expression pop over also) and he couldn't care less, he would just dissapear for a few days and then showed up like nothing happened.
Plus he would take me out at first to little something, like a drink or beach, and then stoped it alltogether. Only couple times for Christmas and one more time when I insisted.
Glad, it's over. Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust following on from all of this - now it's his birthday tomorrow.Sooooo - do I get him a card and a little something or - just a card?? Or shall I just send him a birthday text....Siiiiiiigh, I am one of those women that naturally gives so I have to reign myself in sometimes.....
Any thoughts???
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Anonymous - I have kind of come to the conclusion that I don't want to pressure him but as you say - I have set boundaries so he really does know that I am serious. For example - I happen to be near where he lives tonight and he said thatI could pop by. But it really sounded too much like a booty call so I said no etc. He came back at me and said that his motivation for seeing me is not purely sexual...I think that we are reaching a different level of understanding through communicating and I have turned him down a few times now to make a point!But I am really not prepared to wait - if he can't make up his mind - then I really will walk.
No - I really don't know if he has a harem. He is very sweet with the dates that we have had and has been generous so that has been okay. I am dating others but am not serious with anyone as my feeling are obviously with this guy - but he knows I won't wait - simple!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): Just want to ad few thoughts. A lot of women here say:Don't pressure him, giv him his space, wait....I completely disagree. if you give man a space, he wil take it as long as a lifetime.This is when women should send boundaries. Men like children need that. This is what women do ---THEY WAIT.This what I did- was waiting and waiting for him to change, to realize, I am the one. never hapened.Also, how do you know he doesn't have other women along w/you?. Men like to do that very much.This is when "I don't want to be in a relationship" comes into play.Women ussualy don't like to do that, they like to find that only one, at least majority of us, men like to have a little harem going, and these days they can even get away without spending any money, because we let them not to court us anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous number 1 - to clarify, when I say I am dating other guys, no - I am not having sex with other men at all. I think would just get a little too crazy even for me :-)
I hadn't had sex for a long time before I met this guy - thats why I guess I do feel for him as I was really wanting to get intimate with him when I could have with so many other guys but had no wish to do so.
Yes - I won't dwell too much on what he is saying. Iguess there's a saying that actions speak louder than words - so time will tell.
Anonymous number 2 - a year huh? Well I guess thats the thing, after a relationship earlier this year, a few more lessons have been learnt and I just would never give it a year. He is trying to work out what he wants and I have totally backed off and am in general very busy. There's no pressure on him but I have made it clear that if we are going to continue to meet - it will not be just as f*%k buddies. Why do I like him - no, it's not because he is unobtainable. He is a great guy and has something about him that compliments my personality and I like that.
Thank you both for your thoughts - lots more food for thought!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): I've been in your situation for almost a year now - great sex, great connection on so many levels, but no relationship and no commitment. Maybe it's because I haven't seen him for a couple of months now (he's taking some time to work out what he wants) but I'm starting to think we're not as right for each other as I once thought. Like you, I'm dating other guys too and recently I think one of them has overtaken him as far as I'm concerned. So maybe make sure that there's a lot more to your feelings for him than the incredible sex. Also (in case you're anything like me) think about why you want to be with him - is it partly because he's currently unattainable due to his lack of commitment?My guy has finally realised he does want to be in a relationship with me, after a year, so it can happen to you if that's what you truly want. Just don't pressure him in any way but continue to live your own life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): I reread your responses, and this is what I see. You prefer him to other guys, but still date other men. basically you choose to be in several relationships big or small at the same time.
i don't know what you mean by dating, sex included?
You obviously want to find the right one, i would stop sex w/your guy and concentrate on finding that right one.
I had the same situation w/my 'favourite' man, was dating others, was all over the place. Until I droped him, and stoped having sex all together for a few months, that is when the right man came along.
Unless you want to full around... which is o.k. too, have your fun, girl!!But don't dwell too much on what he is saying. All these talk could be just to keep up a conversation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank rythmmandblues - yes - I do agree that the whole I have been hurt line is all very weird at his age...
Yep - I guess the no sex route is a way to go down - (hate to say it but thats kinda hard as there is something incredible there) but yes - I am looking for a whole lot more than that and I do owe myself more than what he is giving me. So - will try and bite that bullet and make those changes.
Thank you for your thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): Any man 36 and over (your stated age) that tells you he does not want a relationship because he was hurt in the past, unless he was dumped in the last year, is feeding you a line. He doesn't want a relationship with you. And if he continues to have sex with you on those terms, you are already F buddies.....so your No to that question doesn't mean much at this point.
If you really want to see if he could change his mind, stop having sex with him and see if he wants to hang out with you.....my guess would be, no, not at all. You don't owe him sex, and if he just wants to be friends, then be a friend, or accept casual sex with no hope of this ever going any where else.
Right now, he has absolutely no motivation to change anything about how he thinks of you and your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Softtouch - yep - I can see that he may possibly never settle down. But to clarify - it's not been a long term situation - only a month or so so I haven't by any means given up lots of time or had my heart broken etc..... I just really like the guy and back to my orgininal question -I guess I was just wanting to know what the possibilities were of him changing his mind.
And really - after years of allsorts of experience - I won't tolerate bad behaviour and this guy has by no means hurt me or treated me like poop. The sex has been incredible and between 2 consenting adults so no harm done. He is confused no doubt and I guess the romantic in me was hoping for a change. But - life is carrying on so time will tell whether I walk away or not.
Thank you for thoughts and comments.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (17 September 2009):
 With some of the additional facts that you've put down, I have to say that unless you want some sort of friendship with sexual benefits, I'd cut him loose and find someone that can commit to you.
It looks like he's not interested in settling down with you anytime soon.
Basically you'd be letting him use you.
May I make a suggestion? Start thinking about setting up boundaries with the kinds of people you want in your love life. What will you tolerate? What goes beyond that? Think of looking at your own character and what it is that you respect in yourself.
But this guy seems to be a player. He won't settle down until he's ready and that may be never.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYep - agree oldersister, it isn't his business but he does ask and I guess I have never wanted to lie and at the same time maybe make him realise that I am not going to stop going out whilst there is no commitment from him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi - yep, we had the whole conversation about f*$k buddies and I said no. And he does care if I date - thats the mixed messages about the whole thing. He hates that I date but does rationalise that he is not a position yet to say not to.....
But thanks - am aware of what it could be about and really am not totally waiting and hoping without getting on with life too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): He told you he didn't feel that you are the one, you still went to bed w/him? You basically showed him you standards from the beginning. Guys are like that, they'll take what is offered to them without hesitation, why not?!
not ready for relationship, hurt by previous partner...
This is what I said when I was not that into guy, but for sex he was o.k. until I met THE ONE.
he is o.k. that you date other guys, if cared enough he would not be o.k. /that.
Sounds like he just wants to be f...ck bodies. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha!! Yep - I guess I was asking for mens opinions because sometimes men and women 'think' like we are totally different species let alone genders....
But all responses are and have been very welcomed!!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2009):
 You sound like you've got a very good handle on this. I guess we need to rustle up some uncles to answer on this question, as I see you did want some male opinions. Come on, boys, what do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha - I guess I would be settling for less if I carried on with this guy and not keep a look out for other possibilities - but I really am not just sitting on my laurels. I am feeling good about myself recently and for some reason - I am attracting lots of guys :-)
So - I guess I have given a time line for this guy until the end of October - if nothing changes then I will walk away....I seriously don't want to get hurt or waste my time.
Thank you for your comments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Lola - that makes alot of sense. It's true that I do need to hear from his own mouth....He would love me as a casula sex friend but I have said no to this as I could see this happening. I told him stop contacting me and when we last met up - we just talked. I was happy to walk away and never see him again as I had least told him what I had thought. But you make alot sense - thank you so much.Oldersister - yes he has been honest - and thats one thing I would say about this guy, he has only ever been honest with me. Hmmmmmmmmm yes - I am playing therapist aren't I and trying to heal his wounds :-) But I am dating other guys and much as I am crazy about this guy - life is not standing still whilst he figures out what is going on. And he has said he understands if I date other guys - he can't stope me getting on with life and he acknowledges that he could never be so selfish.Thank you so much for your comments - much appreciated.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2009):
I have to say that I agree with Lola and Oldersister. He's told you where he is and what he is and isn't looking for at the moment. If you are fine with a no-strings sexual liaison, then fine. But if you're looking for a boyfriend, he's not the guy right now, probably never. You're going to get yourself hurt here if you're hoping this turns into something more. He has what he wants. Do you? Why are you settling for less?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you softtouch - I guess I know's it's possible but just feel so scared and a little confused. I see something so great and I wish that he could see it too - but maybe he will in time as you say - we will just keep the communication going. It's the trust issues that he has problems with and that of course is time.He also said that he knows when he first meets someone whether he would know if he would fall in love or not - and with me he didn't feel that :-( But I kinda said - but love takes time, how do you know if you could love me when you didn't even know me.....He did say though that maybe he theory was totally wrong as he was ultimatley still alone.Anyway - thank you so much for your comments - much appreciated.
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (17 September 2009):
It is possible, but unlikely. You may have paved the way for another girl, though.
You get involved here at your own risk. Do not even allow your mind to travel into the "maybe-things-will-change" zone. VERY DANGEROUS. Soon you will be expecting it and you will be hurt and disappointed when he doesn't change his mind about you.
He was clear he doesn't want a relationship. Do not even consider other "possibilities" unless you hear from his own mouth without you bringing it up, that he has changed his mind.
It is far more likely that he knew you were trying to plant a seed and open his mind to thinking more of you than a casual sex friend. He said you make sense, he did not say he would change his mind. And trust me.. whatever you said to him, he'd already heard before.
And because you have slept with him while he hasn't committed, you won't be the "right girl" who changes his mind.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 September 2009):
Any person, man or woman, is capable of having a change of heart.
Once the bonds of trust, acceptance and of course intimacy are achieved, the emotional connections are made.
So based on that, its entirely possible that he is persuaded if not convinced, in time, that a relationship is not only possible but that he wants one.
I would say just stay together, always keep your communications going, look into each other's heart and just let it happen.
If the connections are there, you two could fall in love. Its that simple.
Remember though, that every relationship needs work and you can't neglect each other, but other than that, its entirely possible.
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