A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend coming up on four years, he is in an apprenticeship and I am studying at university. We see each other twice each year, typically spending a month or so together each visit, and then fly back to our respective countries ie. he's in Switzerland and I'm in Australia. It's not a pleasant arrangement as you can probably imagine but we make do with what we have and we have managed to survive as a couple.I complete my university studies in July of this year, but my boyfriend won't finish his apprenticeship until mid 2011. Until then I planned to work, move out of home and save up some money in anticipation of him coming to Australia to study in university once his apprenticeship was finished. This was our plan ever since we met four years ago - that once his apprenticeship and my university studies were over, we would move in and live together here in Australia from mid 2011.Now just a few days ago my boyfriend explained to me that now he is approaching the end of his apprenticeship, he has decided to spend another two years studying in Switzerland while working part time, meaning that he won't be able to move to Australia until late 2012-early 2013. This also means I will be spending possibly another two years on my own and stretches our long distance situation into six years instead of four. Naturally I got upset and complained that four years was already too long apart and that he didn't need to spend more time in Switzerland when he could always study AND work here in Australia without having to continue study in Switzerland. He explained that because he never finished high school (he dropped out when he was 16 and started his apprenticeship when he was 18) he wants to finish it now, and that it's something he feels he "needs" to do for himself and for his parents... which I totally understand and respect, but adding another two years onto what has already been a tough battle is going to make me so unhappy.It's not that I believe our relationship will fail, it's that I don't trust myself to keep maintaining this long distance lifestyle. Because of time differences and work hours, I spend all my weekends talking to him. It has severely impacted my social life to the point I have almost no friends left. I want to be able to go out and party and socialise without being the person who is "attached but unattended". I have also started noticing other men who pay attention to me, and thinking about how much easier things would be if I just split up with my boyfriend. I think I could do it, the only thing I am afraid of is breaking his heart, and believe me I WOULD break his heart, after all the time and effort he has poured into me and we have poured into each other...Anyway, I am just seeking advice on how to respond to this. Can a long distance relationship really survive six years this way, only seeing each other twice each year? If I've made it through four years, do you think another two would come easier or harder? Or should I just break up with my boyfriend, breaking his heart and mine, but setting us free to start our own lives the way we want?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): MY BF and I are in a LDR, as well. I am American; he a EU citizen. We met in the States and are both in academia. We knew getting into this relationship that eventually we would have to live in seperate countries, and most likely continents. It is hard. I hate it. But when he moved back to Europe (without really taking my opinion into consideration--he claims it was the only thing he could do since he isn't a US citizen, but I say he could have found another job here since he is in a high-demand field)I told him that the period of time that his new European contract was for was the amount of time we were going to be apart; that we both needed to do what ever it took to be together again ASAP; that his next job would have to take into consideration where I am able to work; and that if these weren't met at the end of his contract that I would be moving on. In short I told him that I was in a relationship with him and not with a cyber-man that I see in between semesters. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to not feel lonely; and if I feel lonely I have the right to move one to a lifestyle/relationship/what ever it may be that will make me happy. In short, put your foot down. If you don't you will be miserable and he will continue to think that there is nothing wrong. Indeed, I would venture to say that maybe he is too comfortable with his freedom and that is why he thinks that it is no big deal. Maybe the thought of loosing you will wake him up; if it doesn't, well, you have saved yourself 2 more years of feeling lonely and feeling guilty for being lonely. If he still insists on staying on, tell him to give you a call when he is through; that you have a life to live.
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (6 February 2010):
 He's probably happy and comfortable in this LDR. Sounds funny? I knew a guy who was with his girlfriend for 3 years and they were in a LDR.They saw each other twice a year,just like you.He ended the relationship because she was too jealous.He was single for a year when I asked him if he dated anyone else after him.His answer was no.He was very attractive and wouldnt have a problem finding another girl.Nor he was still attached to his ex.He focused on his college work and job...and hasnt dated anyone until now! I believe your boyfriend is kinda like him. His top priority isn't you.Can you really live with that? What kinda man is in a relationship with a woman for 4 years then tells her it has to be another two because of a high school degree? I really don't know. I understand where you're coming from.You see there are guys interested in you,you feel you missin out on things... I think you need to let him know that the most important thing is that you guys are together..in person.Can't you go to Sweden for those two years?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help, I just have some questions because you seem to understand exactly what I'm going through.
Whenever I'm with my boyfriend, I do feel like I can see marriage and kids in the future, because he has suggested many times that he wants to move to Australia and eventually marry me once he has finished with his studies. But the way he has suddenly announced that he wants to extend his studies (and therefore our LDR) by another two years lead me to believe that he's not committed to ending the LDR part of our relationship as much as I am. He's not cheating on me, none of his behaviour towards me has indicated that he's being unfaithful, in fact he's very faithful and trustworthy, it's just this one issue that has us divided.
I feel like if he was really committed to a future with me he would finish his apprenticeship and move to Australia straight away. But he defended his decision to study longer as "wanting to make our future more secure" in the long run... in his words he said "would you rather me be miserable and stuck in a shitty job for 30 years or wait an extra two years so I can get a good job and be happy?". Of course I don't want him to be miserable but it feels a lot like emotional blackmail to me. Is that what your ex did to you? Because I know he will resent me if I pressure him to move to Australia, but I will definitely resent him if he forces me to go another two years on my own. It's kind of a stalemate, one of us is ultimately going to get the worst end of the deal.
I feel like this year will be the make or break year for us. I graduate in a few months and will then be on the lookout for a job which will probably involve a two year contract. I've decided that if by the end of this year I am still unhappy with our LDR then I will break up with him because I am sick of being a martyr girlfriend and need to start building my own life and career.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Hi thereObviously this is really hard and i know what u are going through. I was with my ex for 8 years, in which we did long distance 6 years or long distance. It wasnt as far as switzerland and aussie but far enough. i was always in london and he was the one moving around, and everytime i thought wed finally be together he found another "opportunity" that he had to take. The thing is i knew he loved me but i doubted that he would truly stop "leaving". Eventually he got another opportunity accross the world and took it. he asked me to come but i said no and ended the relationship. It wasnt just coz he went away again but because there were also other things that did not work between us neway and i started feeling resentment that he kept moving away. My advice to u is if u truly think he is the one for u and u see marriage and kids with him in the future then maybe it is worth it to stay with him? If u feel like u are not sure about being together and his faults already bother u then think hard. Its also a hard decision as u have never lived in the same place or moved in together so its hard to know. Are you sure hes dedicated to u? Are u sure hes not escaping anything? Find out. The problem is if u tell him u dnt want him to stay in switzerland he will know u disagree and will resent u if he comes to live in aussie. Trust me the worst could be he resents u and blames u for that later. Think about what u want and whether those other guys are worth it more than him. And talk to him. Good luck xxx
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