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female
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anonymous
writes:I'm not sure if I'm stalking my ex or if I am taking proactive steps to get him back. I mean surely its OK to want your ex back and to try to do things to make that happen? But what if the things you had to do were really really massive and the chances of getting him back were really really tiny? would that make me insane? Or is it worth the risk?Long story but here goes. We loved each other. A lot. We wanted to get married, make babies blah blah blah. I know everyone says that but I just need you to understand the intensity of feeling and the strength of the bond we had. I had no idea it was possible to love someone that much. And neither did he. My feelings for him hit me like a double decker bus. The only problem really was that I was lying to him about pretty much everything. I lied about my job, I lied about my family, I even lied about my name! I thought my name was ugly so when I met him and he asked me my name I made one up. I manipulated the shit out of this guy. I played dirty and did all of the things I had to do to get him to want me. But it wasnt really me.It was a case of that old cliche one lie leads to another and before I knew what was going on I was full of sh*t BIG TIME.Looking back now, I have NO idea why I wasnt just honest. I have worked with a therapist and I'm putting it down to a difficult childhood (understatement) and abusive past relationships. But thats no excuse.Anyway, when he found out about the extent of my lies, he understandably wanted nothing to do with me. I understood that. To be honest I would've thought there was something wrong with him if he had still wanted a girlfriend like that. He said I needed mental help. And he was right. I did. And I got it. and got my sh*t together.He lives in Dubai now and I know he's happy. He has a new girlfriend and he is in love. They've been together for 6 months and from his track record I would say they will probably have broken up in another 7 or 8 months tops. He never really seems to have relationships that last more than a year or so for some reason. He can be very fickle but I know that he is crazy about this girl right now. I understand he is in love and i know what it feels like. I know that when you are in love that person is the only one in the world who will do. Nobody else comes close to them in your eyes. I get that. I have bad will towards him or his girlfriend.I'm not going to ask him to get back with me because I know it wont happen. But since I know he has forgiven me for the things I did and he did tell me once he would like to catch up with me as friends, I was thinking what if I was to move to Dubai? Not to break up his relationship. Thats the last thing in the world I would want to do. I've caused this man enough pain and grief. I wont hurt him again.But just so that if their relationship DOES break down at some point, and once hes had time to heal from it, I wouldnt be on the other side of the world.Is that insane? I'm already looking at apartments there and applying for jobs. But I don't trust my own judgement anymore because i have gone to extreme lengths before to get this mans attention and love, and at the time I thought "ok I know what I'm doing is a little extreme, but surely its worth it if we are both happy in the here and now." looking back now I know how wrong that mindset was.So right now I think "ok yes, moving to the other side of the world, changing jobs, leaving behind all family and friends just on the 1% chance that maybe possibly one day he might give you the time of day is quite extreme.... but its better than the 0% chance I have now!" I dont trust my own judgement at all though. I havent exactly got a great track record when it comes to this stuff. The term "blinded by love" was invented for me.I really am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to have this man back and I'll wait as long as I have to wait and pray as hard as I have to pray. Its fine. I'm happy to put in the effort and wait it out and get on with my life while he's with her. But am I just going back to my old "obsessive" ways? Its not the idea of him I'm in love with, its him. Lord knows he is so far from perfect, but he is perfect for me. Its not like I'm obsessed, I'm not checking his facebook 20 times a day praying she'll be history when I check it. I'm happy and I'm getting on with my life while he's with her.At the moment he obviously is not an option for me so I'm keeping busy, attending night school, going to the gym, seeing my friends every day, I'm even seeing a new guy but its not a relationship. I dont want a relationship. I'm happy to get on with my life while he's getting on with his but I'm just trying to get all my ducks in a row so that maybe one day in the future I'm setting the scene to possibly be in a position where me and him could give it another go.Can anyone here give me any mature advice?Thoughts? ps I should also point out he isnt my ONLY attraction to Dubai, the job I have applied for (Cabin Crew) has been my dream job ever since I was a little girl and the airline based in Dubai I have applied to are one of the best in the world, and a company I would LOVE to work for. And I feel like I could be happy there with or without him.
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reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 From everything you've written, you've told us that this man is your obsession, not your love.
He can't fall in love with someone that's deceiving him. Its that simple. And he certainly cannot sustain that love if he doesn't even know WHO he is in love with.
Deception and dishonest cannot make a good relationship. If he can't trust you, he won't love you ever again.
Its that simple.
If you truly love him, the way you say you do, then leave him alone. Let him live his life without the deceptions and manipulation. He's entitled to give his heart freely, not under false pretenses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): I understood that your motive in moving there was not to break up his relationship.
But do you understand how ridiculous it sounds to move to somewhere to follow a person just on the off chance they may be single at some point again? How do you know if he won't get transferred with his job, or desire to move back to where you met him, or any number of scenarios.
You cannot live your life based on a maybe. What you can do is learn from your mistake and do better next time in your next relationship. As it stands now this is clearly a closed book, it has already been written and cannot be undone by hook or by crook.
If you want to move because of the job and you love the job, then your decision should have no bearing on the fact that he lives there, too. Otherwise, this move would be a big mistake for you...you are moving for a fantasy? Come on, that is what I mean by you aren't done working on your therapy, I hope.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand can I also just say the title of this question isnt right? It makes it sound like I'm hoping to move to Dubai break up a relationship and live happily ever after.
I'm not.
I'm just wondering if I should do a few things to make it so that something COULD happen on the off chance he wanted it to. Right now the distance means even if he did want to give it another shot, it would be impossible. He will probably say no either way of course but Im not sure if I should work hard to improve my (already very slight) chances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You.
I dont feel like I am putting my life on hold, I'm still happy and busy. My life is good as it is now. Its just that I care about him so deeply and when I met him I had the choice of taking an honest road and having a long happy relationship with him, or taking the dishonest road and having him at a major risk. At the time I didnt know the first road was an option and I cant get the "what if I had just been honest" out of my head. Because I know the answer .... and its hard to live without it.
I cant really talk to him right now because he's in love and when he falls in love he gets completely distracted and loses interest in anything else. So he wouldnt even be interested enough to reply. So I'll just give him space and wait a few more months.
He's a different person when he's not in love.
I'm just trying to get back on the road I should've chosen and its so difficult.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Well your last paragraph is the only logical thing you have going on in your head right now.
I don't think you are through doing the work that you have started with your therapist and normally when someone is in therapy, I don't think it is ever a good idea for someone else to give you advice and interfere with that therapy.
I think you are still trying to manipulate a man in order to get a relationship. You need to get to the bottom of why you are doing this. You are living in a fantasy if you think you can predict the outcome of the future and his current relationship. The fact of the matter is that he broke up with you, doesn't trust you and he is now in love with someone else. You can't mastermind a plan to change the hear and now or even the future.
What you need to do is put your focus on you and live the life you want and stop following his in order to get him back. If you wanted to stay in contact with him periodically as a friend I don't think there would be anything wrong with that.
I don't know that you are stalking your ex, but you are wanting to repair the relationship. Where you are in trouble is that you want him back and for now it appears that he has moved on and it wouldn't be right to try and break them up, it will just make you look bad. If he falls out of love with her and they end their relationship then if he really has feelings for you he will be back on his own either as a friend or something more. Sadly you can't make a person feel something for you that they don't.
The only thing you can do is given a second chance, to try and be authentic and build an honest relationship....but you certainly can't put your life on hold for that.
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