A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My sister lives 6 hours away and we use to be close as children. When ever she is back in our home town 2x a year her and her husband and me and my betrothed hung out for a couple of hours and got dinner etc. My fiancé got to liking my sister and husband.My sister's husband is very flirty with all the ladies and my fiancé just brushed it off as just part of his personality. So when we were planning our wedding we asked them to be in it. My wife asked my sister to be a bridesmaid and I asked her husband to be a groomsmen. After the wedding at the reception my sisters husband started to hit on/make passes at my fiancé/new wife's 13 year old cousin who is built and looks a lot older than she is. The 13 YO cousin's mom was pissed off. As as soon as the wedding and reception was over people got upset over the ordeal. A few months went by and my wife found a website that stated that my sister's husband was a convicted pedophile who recently served time in jail. He was actually on parole while in our wedding. No one in the family knew it but my sister did. She was suppose to be watching his conduct. Now my wife is so horrified at my sister and and her husband. she wants nothing to do with them ever again. She deceived the family and now his ugly mug is in our wedding photo's forever. My sister is kind of a simpleton and a bit of a naive air-head. I suspect that she is living a pollyanna life of denial lifestyle. I am torn as to what to do. I will miss talking to my sister but my wife forbids me ever to talk to my sister ever again. I understand my sister lives in a fantasy world but my wife just feels swindled/duped. My parents are religious and forgives them all and still goes out to dinner with them when they are in town. I just don't know how to make everyone happy here. What advice do you have to manage all of this? Thanks cupid.
View related questions:
cousin, flirt, in jail, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, FriendlyGiantsGirl333  +, writes (15 July 2022):
First off, if this man is a convicted sex offender call local law enforcement. He is inno way shape or form ALLOWED TO BE AROUND CHILDREN! Also from a legal standpoint, if you know these things, that he is around children and that there is a possibility of ongoing child sex abuse or any kind of other abuse , YOU ARE REQUIRED BY LAW TO REPORT THIS OR YOU CAN ND WILL GET A FELONY CHARGE. these laws are put in place to try and help protect children. Knowledge is power. We must know the laws an act on them. I have a sicko sister that just met a convicted rapist that raped his OWN DAUGHTER. She is "in love" I have cut her out of my life completely. Just plain sickening
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): I am the original poster. I should mention that my sister and her husband are in their 40's She is my OLDER sister. Screwed up huh!?!? Luckily they cannot have children ….but from what I heard they take young people under their wing at church and "guide" them. They also befriend the neighbors that have kids and play boardgames with them. *SICK* huh!!?!? Have asked my parents for more information on where they attend church and all they tell me is they don't want to get involved. I was hoping that they could find out for me so my wife could call the law. That is messed up huh!?!?When my wife phoned the parole officer she asked her about the case he went to jail for. The young teen went on vacation with them and IT happened in the same room while my sister was asleep. my wife thinks this is total BS and how the heck could anyone sleep through that unless people were drugged!?!? My wife's motto is- If you stand by evil than you ARE evil. She says it puts her in mind of Eva Braun Hitlers GF. She stood by him again and again and evil was right in front of her and she did nothing so she is evil too.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): I think your wife forbade you from seeing your sister not just from a moral standpoint but also to have the conditions set for when you have children. She probably thinks that if you keep open communication with your sister, and she acts like it is no big deal, that you'll think it is okay to bring your kids around her too, despite whether her pedophile husband is present or not. You two are adults so you can defend yourselves but children don't have that advantage. And from your wife's standpoint your sister is a screw loose and she wants you to banish her so that this in no way will affect your children's lives. This went over your head this whole time so your wife is a bit skeptical of you and your sense of judgment. So to reverse that, you have to show her that you are not a fool and that you are just disgusted as she is. Your best bet is this: I think that if you want to keep in touch with your sister and at least try to help her you need to convince your wife that you are completely aware and 1000% in agreeance with her of how insane your sister's behavior is and acknowledge how dangerous it is to expose her or her family or your children to your sister. And convince your wife that you would never let that happen. Then explain to her that, even though you do not want your sister anywhere near your wife and family, she is still your sister and you feel it is important for you to be in touch with her and try to help her. Just you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (22 January 2015):
 Maybe he's abused your sister and she stays out of desperation for companionship, but a stable, level-headed person wouldn't stay - I don't necessarily think your sister knows how bad it is because your parents basically condone it, so she feels that it can't be as horrific as it is.
Personally, I don't know what I'd do in this situation, but I'd probably continue talking to my sister and just keeping the paedophile out of my family's lives.
That said, if your sister has kids or gets pregnant, please alert authorities because those children will need to be removed from their care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2015):
 To OP,
I don't think your sister HAS to have the same belief systems as this man to be with him, but she MUST be in such denial or fantasy land to actually stay. Maybe something she learned at home? If you see something "ugly" you stick your head in the stand and fingers in your ears going "nanana" and it didn't "really" happen.
Like Auntie Sincerely Yours's story told, sexual abuse trickles down. It a never ending cycle. IT should NOT have to happen to kids in this day and age. BUT it does. And I totally understand your wife and her attitude. Personally, I would have nothing to do with your sister and her man either. EVER. BUT I wouldn't tell my husband YOU can't talk to your sister. I think, if anything SHE needs a grip on reality and MAYBE you are the only who can give her that?
I saw a TV show about women who dates inmates. It was (to me) ABSOLUTELY nuts! Convicted felons/murderers of all kind - violent evil nasty men. And these women "think" they can "save" them with their "love", but what they REALLY do is enable these guys to manipulate and use them. I think your sister is a bit like those women. And THAT is sad. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I had a sister making SUCH a bad choice.
My FIL is an abusive, selfish, drunken, racist. There is no better way to describe him. I avoid visiting, but I DO "let" my husband go whenever he wants to, though I tend to keep our kids away too. Not that he is rude or mean to them, but I just don't see him being an influence that can help "shape" them into good decent human beings.
I think picking and choosing who we want in our lives (and the lives of out kids) is the only way to go. Even IF it's family we then avoid.
If you can be your sister's "conscience" and maybe TALK to sense into her, I think it's a good idea to still talk to her. But I would have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with that guy. Salt and pepper shakers you called them, I can do without the salt (or pepper). And I don't think if you talk to HER you also have to talk to him. I would however NOT go out to dinner if he is there. Just no.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (22 January 2015):
 1. This happened to my Aunt. She had twelve kids, then found out her husband had sexually molested some of the girls. He went to jail, got out, she let him back in and he molested the rest of the girls. My aunt's two siblings found out. One of them decided to forgive, such as your parents have. And the other refused to allow her children or husband to their house, but invited my aunt (but not her kids), to visit alone. She is now the black sheep of the family because for cutting off the pedophile. So why so harsh?Well those male children grew up molesting their younger siblings. The female children ended up in abusive relationships. 2. My niece and nephew were playing with a long time friend of my sisters'a son. They were all playing upstairs when my nephew came down upset. The boy had brought my niece in the closet and shoved her head into his lap and called her his girlfriend. (She was 7, he was 8). My niece didn't understand what was wrong with this, she was just annoyed that he was grabbing her. My nephew got into the closet and corrected the situation, but he too was unaware of sexual aspect of the circumstance. Turns out the boys mother is often demanded sex by her ex husband, in exchange for her child support payments. And the child sees and he is turning into a predator at a very young age. He is also a very misbehaved, mean little boy. My point: Your brother in law is a poison and he will spread. Your sister clearly needs help as she can't seem to understand the reality and seriousness of her situation. You are all adults, not children in danger. You may speak with whomever you wish. Your sister is naive but not a pedophile, I can not see any reason to ignore her for life. She has her head up in the clouds and is probably in denial. But I would most definitely not recommend allowing her husband into any aspect of your life. If you have children: NEVER. If they have children, sadly, I would keep them away from your children. Your sister needs to understand the potential for his evil to go viral. IF she simply will not understand and learn to respect your household and family, I believe she must be cut off, for safety reasons. I think she deserves a hard hit in the head, with a verbal dose of reality. But some people are unreachable. I hope they have no kids, I hope it's not too late. ~Sy
...............................
A
male
reader, dramafreezone +, writes (22 January 2015):
-I am the original poster of the question and yes honeypie, you are correct. My sister has never contacted us to apologize about the situation and the cover up. DOES she not comprehend that HER actions (in not telling) cause all that drama and fear IN her OWN family?? Well she lives in her own pollyanna world and is probably afraid to talk about it. It is easier just to pretend. Who knows to what point he has her bamboozled or maybe even threatened? My wife says that is her life not ours and we are to set up a roadblock against these two EVIL salt and pepper shakers that obviously go together. They all enable and share the same value system otherwise my sister would leave. yes?
My wife wants little to do with my parents as well because of this situation and for their metal history. They are hoarding borderline narcissists and looked the other way when this same man had hit on my younger sister on a cruise ship when she was underage. My parents just brushed it off to us siblings as a big misunderstanding. Told all of the other siblings that it was a big misunderstanding between the 3 of them when they all went on a cruise together. My parents told the siblings that my underage sister was drunk at the time, so who knows the real truth. - Their words (my parents) not mine. I was away at university at the time and never got the full story as all family news and events are filtered via my mothers mouth. yeah my family is a train wreck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2015):
So now maybe you understand why you wife feel so adamant about NOT having them in your lives?
I know you CAN NOT control what your sister does, but by being with this guy and ENABLING HIM, SHE put OTHERS in danger, KIDS who can't always FEND for themselves.
You parents then in turn ENABLE her to have this dysfunctional relationship.
I'd step back a bit from the situation and think on it. Talk it through with your wife. And maybe even have a SERIOUS conversation with your sister. DOES she not comprehend that HER actions (in not telling) cause all that drama and fear IN her OWN family?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): My wife phoned the parole officer and reported the interaction with the 13 YO cousin so they are aware. The area in which the pedophile husband and my sister live are very lax when in comes to the laws in regards to pedophiles. If he is leaving the area is is to have a chaperone and check in with the local police to report the hotel in which they are staying. My sister, his wife was suppose to be his chaperone. yeah I know….it is really a vomitus situation isn't it?
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 January 2015):
 Since when do they trust a WIFE to supervise a convicted pedophile? Doesn't he have a parole officer?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): yes I am the poster of the question. while on parole she was to be his chaperone. my sister has never contacted us to apologize for this mess.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2015):
A female reader, anonymous, BRING up a pretty VITAL suggestion :
(quote)
***Meanwhile, I'd suggest you report the behavior that took place at the wedding. The young girl involved had enough wits and enough support from others to be able to speak out and object. Other girls won't have this.
Just think of how many young girls this pedophile will come into contact every single day and how many opportunities this presents for him to re-offend.***
ALL this makes sense. Did you not state that your sister "She was suppose to be watching his conduct." ?
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (21 January 2015):
 What a mess!
Your wife is justifiably angry, but she shouldn't be asking you to stop seeing your sister. Your sister did wrong here, and I think you should talk with her about this and how it's made you and your wife feel (if you haven't already). You don't need to have any contact with her husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (21 January 2015):
Sorry wiseowl, you're way off on this one.
The guy is an active predator, the sister is an enabler and a Pollyanna, and his wife is absolutely correct.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): If your sister is being manipulated by this person who is a convicted pedophile and your own parents have effectively sent out a message that it's okay to be with a convicted pedophile because, through their religious beliefs, they are into 'forgiveness'. So, she probably won't have understood the seriousness of what she's implicated in with this person and definitely won't have sensed that she had a moral responsibility to tell you, prior to your wedding, about his past.Your wife, I think, is very wrong to insist that you don't speak to your sister again. Not only should no partner insist that their partner does exactly as they say, it will make the situation worse for others. If she will not/cannot understand you not speaking to her anymore, it will probably incline her to become even more bonded with the pedophile who will be manipulating her. He is probably attracted to her ways and will know how to pull her strings. Cutting her out of your life not only endangers her, it also endangers other children; under the cover of his relationship with a grown woman, he will be able to attend countless other events like your wedding and to abuse and manipulate children there. I'd suggest that you sit her down and explain in very clear terms that you have a different view from that of your parents, and that you do not 'forgive' this person for what he's done and that you are very concerned for her welfare. You may have to repeat this message over and again, in different ways, for a long time, so that it 'sticks' in her brain. You can say that you care for her as your sister, but that you do not agree with her relationship with this person and believe he is a danger to children and, for that reason, you are putting some boundaries in the relationship between them and you and your wife. Whether you propose this as an ultimatum along the lines of "it's us or him" is up to you - she will most likely choose him. On the other hand, if you don't get the message across strongly enough, then you are basically enabling the 'forgiveness' your parents very dangerously exert.Forgiveness can often be used in strange ways and is not forgiveness at all, but an inability to take adult responsibility for a situation because those involved either don't have the wherewithal to do so or simply cannot be bothered. They prefer to dine out with criminals rather than go to the hassle of calling them out on their behaviour because the latter would simply be too unpleasant and too much hard work. This sends a very dangerous message out to others and I believe is at the root of your sister's willingness to cohort with a pedophile. If it's at all possible, you might want to try to approach your parents separately to discuss this with them.Meanwhile, I'd suggest you report the behaviour that took place at the wedding. The young girl involved had enough wits and enough support from others to be able to speak out and object. Other girls won't have this. Just think of how many young girls this pedophile will come into contact every single day and how many opportunities this presents for him to re-offend. If the young girl at your wedding is 'built', as you say, and is womanly in physical respects but also still childlike in her thinking and approach to life, and still carries that childlike and innocent air about her, then this is probably the type he goes for - it may well be that he targets women with a low IQ or who have learning difficulties (as well as biologically young girls who look older in some respects) because they are easier for him to manipulate and because this mix of adult/child-like is his particularly turn-on. In the situation you're in, no-one is acting like the grown up and you are wondering how to step into that role. That's commendable, but to step into it, you must recruit the help of others - start with the police by reporting what took place and from thereon, talk to them about your concern for your sister and see if they can offer any other suggestions to those I've proposed. Please do not listen to your wife on this occasion - her responses are understandable but are not adult and will not resolve anything, but will instead force you to 'turn a blind eye' to a dangerous situation where others stand to be very hurt.Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): First, grow some balls. Your wife has no right to forbid you from talking to your sister. What kind of snob is she?
There is simple technology that can remove his face from your wedding pictures. They'll only have to be retouched.
I am totally with her as far as keeping your sister's husband away from her and her family. His flirtation with her 13 year-old niece was outrageous. He's a married-man on top of that! I hope you confirmed the information your wife found on the website with your own eyes.
You know your sister and her husband come as a pair. They're married. Your reference to your own sister as a simpleton was a little disturbing. However; his inappropriate behavior around your niece is an indication he is not totally reformed! I understand you have to keep the peace, but allowing your wife to forbid you contact with your own flesh and blood is nothing short of emasculating. There isn't a living creature on this planet that would deny me contact with my family. Trust me, dear fellow, you're starting off on the wrong foot there. There is equality in a marriage; your wife has no right to carry your testicles for you in her purse.
You can carry-on your relationship with your sister as usual. Be humane and tolerant of your brother-in-law; but keep him behind an electrified-fence; if he can't behave himself. I suppose you'll have to go visit your sister; rather than inviting them over as a couple. Alone if you have to, or with your parents. He'll understand why he's not welcome, if you explain it to him. Now that he knows the cat's out of the bag.
I'd respect your wife's wishes as far as your brother-in-law is concerned. That was his fault.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): oh yeah and I should add my sister never attempted to call send letter or email to apologize to me or my wife for this chaos.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2015):
I don't blame your wife for feeling duped and swindled. YOUR sister SHOULD have told you this, so that you could make the choice to have them in the wedding or not.
I can't IMAGINE your sister being SO naive or dense that she didn't know people might have a problem with this. And I would (as her sibling) call her out on it.
BUT, with that said, I can't see why you can't still talk to your sister. And I actually have a problem with your wife making that decision for you, BUT again, I kind of don't blame her. I don't think a wife (or husband) can DICTATE whom their spouse talks to. As LONG as it's done in a way that isn't detrimental to the marriage. Talking to your sister, where is the harm in that? The husband? Yea, I can't even (and I won't) get into what I think should be done to pedophiles. You can't SINK any lower than that. I'd have nothing to do with him. And I would want him NOWHERE near my kids.
She is your sister, no matter how piss-poor her taste in men are.
...............................
|
