A
male
age
41-50,
*pserafi
writes:I know this is long but need a few solid suggestions.Thanks to anyone who gives this a read and responds.Just recently got broken up with and would like to get back together if even over some time but would like indications whether this is possible or whether I'm wasting time. Here's the scenario. My girlfriend and I have lived an hour apart. We both have stressful jobs. She seems more the personality that stresses more about things past and future. She has also suffered losing her mother like five years ago. She is also emotionally less able to communicate feelings and such. I don't have that problem for the most part. I am more in the moment passionate and attentive. For some time (about six months) I tried to be patient about it but after that I have given her a hard time about it sometimes and now regret it. And I think at times when we get together instead of it being relaxing and fun it is stressful for both of us because I want her to be as relaxed with me as she is with her longtime friends and I think she feels she is walking on eggshells to do the right thing by me. But she doesn't communicate that sort of thing with me well it was just a feeling. The limited time we had together was about once a week for a few hours and either me or her had to work. And if she had to work she seemed tense and less relaxed around me. When we had a couple of days together however she would be much more relaxed with me and more herself and more expressive and this is what gave me hope for us. I felt we should move in together after about a year together (remember we only see each other once a week) because I was ready to move anyway and I felt if we were around each other in normal everyday situations instead of squeezing enough time for us we would do better and it may be less stressful. She seemed to agree. Only once was it mentioned that she felt we wouldv'e been better off if starting our relationship we were right down the road from each other. I agreed but she seemed still hyped about moving in together. Well we went on vacation for our one year anniversary and had a great time together but as soon as we got off the plane that relief just left her face. I could see it. She had to work the following day and she got up at 6:30am to unpack and clean house. I wanted her to calm down and not quite give up the vacation. Wanted to spend some time with her before calling the vacation done. So got her to sit with me and wanted to make out and she said she wasn't in the mood. That she was worried about work and wanted to get things done around the house so she could wind down before going to bed at 9:00pm. OK this was like 13 hours away. In a nutshell I got mad about it and left but apologized later. She called me up, came to talk to me later that evening, and broke it off. She said she didn't think she was the type of person I needed. That she didn't love me like I loved her. But I broke it down and she wanted to be more than friends in every possible way. Never mentioned just wanting to be friends. Said I don't know a lot. That's how it ended. Couple days passed and she texted me at work asking me how I was but kept it factual. I broke down and said that I missed her and loved her. She said she missed me and still loved me. Several days later still texting a lot just keeping up with each other stuff. I broke down and wrote a letter how I felt, told her she should read it, and respond. It was an apology for not being patient with her, a realization that moving in was not the solution, questioned why she never indicated that she was in any way unhappy or nervous about our move in til the break up, and suggested that I still move down like I planned to to be closer to work (and her), take our time, but wanted to get back together. I saw her a few days later to look at apartments. We talked mostly about what was going on with ourselves and things were good. I had to pull out of her what she felt about the letter. All she gave me was that she needed a couple of days to think about it. But she wanted to be sure whether she wanted to be with me or just felt like she wanted SOMEONE in her life right now. If she DID want to get back she wanted to give me her heart and soul. But still she didn't know. We left on good terms and even kissed as if we weren't broke up. Told her I loved her - she said he same. She even mentioned trying to find a less stressful job in her field. Texted her since and talked to her once. Twice I texted and said I love you and she didn't respond but it was late. She is away for two weeks and when we talked last we talked pretty good but never mentioned feelings at all to each other but she expressed interest in coming over to my new place when I move in, missing me, had some maybe responses when it came to doing stuff together like we used to. Given that what should I do to find out if we are moving more apart or if I am doing the right things and stepping forward when she does come back. I will give her all the time she needs as long as I can know for sure that we will get back together in time. If not I don't want to waste each others time and don't want to be hurt anymore. She makes it hard to read her and she is not much into expressing her emotions. She is much more subtle about it when she does. I don't know what to do but I do want her back and I think it's possible but it's a fragile situation and she's never been much for stepping it up and taking a chance if she feels like she really wants. I don't know if it makes her feel vulnerable or scared but I want her back. Help!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): All I can say is that you need to talk to her what she really wants, I assume you know what you want. You went on and on without knowing where this going to end. There are 2 answers either you move on with your life and move in with her if she agrees that's what she wants. If you want to move on with your life you have to be strong and do it and vice versa. Do you know why she's never been much for stepping it up and taking a chance ? Is she afraid of something ? I wish I could be more of help but I think you guys need to talk, if it's not going to work, just end it.
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