A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am gay my boyfriend has just broken up with me 3 weeks ago. He says he wasnt in love with me as he lost the spark for me but said he still found me amazing in bed so the sex has not stopped. We continue to have sex when we meet. I am trying to make sense why he doesnt love me if he felt the sex was so good. he did admit cheating on me on several occasions. If he liked me in bed i just dont understand why he felt the spark had gone ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): Are you dependent on this man to fulfil your sexual needs? There are lots of other men out there for you, have you tried looking? This guy doesn't sound very nice, but I suppose you can credit him for being honest. He has basically said he wants you for sex but isn't interested in you as a person. It seems as if that's as good as it's going to get, so you need to decide if that's good enough. If you just can't resist him or feel you can't bear to give up the sex, then feel free to keep on having sex with him, and try your best to accept that that's all he wants. But if you find the emotional hurt outweighs the sexual rush, then you should look for another man. It isn't nice of him to 'rub your face in it' by telling you all about his other men. Some of us just can't do monogamy, and can't seem to help slutting around from time to time. I've a thing going on with a guy that sounds vaguely similar to your situation. I like him loads, but we're not a couple, because I find it incredibly difficult to resist other men, and I know I can't be trusted to be faithful. Because I think it would be really unfair to be dishonest with him, I've been totally honest with him about this, and he accepts it. (When we have sex, he's always asking what I got up to with this guy or that guy, and I give him all the details - but NOT to hurt his feelings, only because I can feel how much it turns him on and leads to really hot jealousy/reclamation sex). If he's deliberately being cruel, that's a different story. I guess my advice, if you don't want to stop seeing him, is to start looking at him the way he looks at you, as a purely sexual deal, and try to not get too jealous or emotionally attached. But since you sound like the faithful type, your best bet would be to find someone more considerate. Best of luck, take care xx
A
male
reader, Mikes +, writes (28 August 2009):
 This boy of yours is having the best of both worlds here. Just remember your dignity. People can take your heart, your money, your hopes and dreams and much more, but they cant take away your morals. Find someone new who you can be in a relationship and have sex with. Im sure you are worth more than some ex bit on the side. m x
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A
male
reader, Mikes +, writes (28 August 2009):
This boy of yours is having the best of both worlds here. Just remember your dignity. People can take your heart, your money, your hopes and dreams and much more, but they cant take away your morals. Find someone new who you can be in a relationship and have sex with. Im sure you are worth more than some ex bit on the side. m x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): As with any relationship the beginning seems magical. You hope it will never end but if they are not your hearts desire or you are not theirs then it hurts. Love is a small word but so hard to find and it is sometimes mistaken. I like you, I want to be with you, i need you. Love only works if you need each other to live, not because they like you, or they need you or they want to be with you. Love is becoming the person you want to be with, Thinking as they think, feeling as they feel and loving as they love. When that happens the magic begins.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Thanks very much people yes it makes sense now that he is using me for sex and i am sure he is enjoying it but then he tells me of the sex he is having with other people its almost to rub it in my face. i am not sure why he has to tell me who he is meeting for sex. He claims to me that we are just good friends but friends with benefits. He is only 23 and I am 33 but he confuses me as he styayed with me the whole weekend this week and was cuddling me in bed making love to me etc and then we are only just friends ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 August 2009):
 He is confusing LOVE with LUST.
If you don't want to have sex with a guy who doesn't LOVE you then you need to stop having sex with him. He will NOT start to love you because you put out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): hey. it sounds to me like he is using you.. i know thats what everyone else has said, but maybe thats because its true? and perhaps you are doing the same to him? maybe by still seeing him and having sex, you feel somewhat loved still and that for you is better than nothing? either way, i think you need to clear it up to this guy that he CANNOT use you, for anything, and you have to walk away. its hard especially if you still have feelings for someone, but eventually you will realise its the better thing to do for yourself. everyone deserves to be treated properly, and he isnt treating you that way. you could move on and find someone who treats you with respect and with whom the sex is still great - but great sex physically doesnt mean love, its lust. emotionally, sex is very special, but its only special if its with someone who loves you. i hope this helps and good luck. let me know how it goes. AAJ.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Hi - I know you are thinking that the 'spark' is lusting after someone which involves desire and sex so yes I guess it is confusing but if its that confusing and he is not making sense then.... the answer is he is making up an excuse. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you so is using the old "there's no spark" excuse however his actions (just wanting sex) are showing you that sex is ALL he wants. If that is all YOU want then its fine. If its not then realise he is not the right guy for you and won't leave you feeling fulfilled (only sexually) in all areas. I think you are taking it personally but realise this is an excuse he is making and is all about him and his selfish needs. Focus on what you want from a relationship and if he cannot offer it you need to find someone that can.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): No not really, see take porn for example, Im not sure if you are into it, but you can look at a person in a porn movie, magazine and fantazize about having sex with them but not want to be near them in any other way.Im sure at some point in your life you have found someone physically attractive but not emotionally or personally attractive?However lets move away from what your ex wants. I think you may be hoping that because he wants to have sex that he still on some level wants you but he just doesnt know it right?Well Let me ask you this do you even want to be with someone who doesnt know themselves well enough to know what they want? You may say that your being kind by being there for him but on the flip side you may be and it sounds like you are being used by him.I know its hard to hear this but think on what you want and deserve out of a relationship and if this guy doesnt do it for you then as hard as it is for you, the right move is to move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): hi thanks for the reply but isnt having a spark for someone to do with sex ? why have sex with someone and feel attracted to somneone you do not have a spark for ?
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A
female
reader, smartnsexy +, writes (24 August 2009):
It's time to move on. He's using you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Well firstly it sounds like you are bing used.
Sex I find is divided into the emotional and then the physical. One is about a form of physical release and the feeling of wellbeing that follows, its life affirming.
The other is about communicating your deepest feelings for someone through a physical act.
Now the trick is to have both together.
As for this guy, time for him to hit the road unless you want to be in it for sex. Personally Id cut him loose.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): I am sure that as long as you give yourself to this guy in terms of sex he will never feel any spark. With respect I don't think you are gaining any credibility like that. Ok the sex is great - so what - you can have great sex with a number of people. He's just using you and maybe you are using him? Much harder and more effort to make a relationship great. At least he's been honest now - though again, he's cheated on you so he never cared enough. Just make sure you protect yourself because if he's still sleeping around and with you then you are at risk.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (24 August 2009):
 The "spark" he is talking about is not love, it is the feeling people have in the beginning of a relationship, that rush of feelings, butterflies in the stomach, cant live without you. Once that wears off, people think they are no longer "in love" but the truth is love is much more than that passion one feels in the beginning.
I cant think of the word for it, come on other aunts, you know what I mean!
Also, remember, good sex cant support a relationship. It is only a part of a relationship.
If that is all you want answered, well there is mine. I would, however, would hope that you think about why are you having a sexual relationship with someone that doesnt love you.
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