A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am the mother of a 15 year old daughter (soon to be 16). Her boyfriend broke up with her suddenly after going out for 6 months. He claimed he "loved her" even up until the night before her broke up with her. His reason for ending the relationship was that he didn't feel the same anymore. He is 16. My daughter has been through break ups before and so she knows eventually she will get through this one. But to make this situation more difficult, she was in love (or so she thought) and lost her virginity to this boy after only going out for 4 months. My husband and I were very upset when we first found out but then spent time talking to her and educating her about sex, pregnancy and STDs. We also told her we wished she waited until she was at least 17 or 18 and that they were going out for a minimum of a year. The relationship ended before then and if she had waited my thoughts now are that she probably would still be a virgin for much longer. To be honest I never really liked or trusted the boyfriend but I couldnt stop her from seeing him although I had a feeling she would end up getting hurt. My problem now is how to help her now get thru the obvious hurt she is feeling?? And how to try to have her wait much longer in the future before getting intimate with someone?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): thank you for all your responses! a week has passed since the breakup. sometimes she is all smiles and is flirting with new guys, while other times she is melancholy. she found out last night he is already pursuing other girls to date and that really hurt, but it is also a good lesson for her in the future - how guys use lines to get what they want and maybe the strong feelings you felt were not really love after all (at least from his side). i think she will wait before jumping into anything in the future. and it stuns me how many guy friends are already hitting on her to hook up or do things beyond making out (other people don't know that she and her ex had sex thankfully or it would be worse.. at least that is one promise he kept to her)
i still feel awful and my heart breaks for her that she has to go through this. she is an amazing person and a beautiful girl (inside and out).. i am not just saying this as a mom.. other people notice it also.
if you have any other words of encouragment or advise, I would love to hear your thoughts! thank you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): I agree with everyone who has commented.
As her mother it is obvious you will feel angry at you daughter's ex, slightly annoyed with your daughter for not listening to your advice and disappointed that she decided to lose her virginity so early in the relationship. This is understandable.
You need to be there for her and put yourself in her shoes. Imaginge you lost your virginity at 15 to a guy you loved who dumped you soon after. Talk to her but only say that you are there for her and when/if she decides she wants to confide in you, you are always happy to listen. Also as anon wrote, tell her stories that will make her feel better, if not about you, pretend it was about an old friend and now she is perfectly happy with a guy that loves her and they have children etc.
I do agree with mikefromms' answer but only tell her to see a counsellor if you notice she cries constantly, appears distant, keeps her emotions bottled up, if you notice a change in her sleeping, eating or behaviour patterns. You should not send her straight to a counsellor as this may make her feel like no one understands her and she may not feel able to open up so soon.
You need to rremember three things;
1) DO NOT pressure her into talking to you, she will confide in you when she feels like it. If you pressurise her, it will push her away making her feel iscolated.
2) Be there for her and listen when she wants to talk and cuddle her as she cries her eyes out.
3) Most importantly ASSURE HER EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY! This may be just what she needs to help her get through this.
I hope this helps and it all works out okay.
Tell me how it goes
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Talk her through your own experiences even if ther made up what helped me with my breakups when i was younger was hearing it from someone who was older and wiser and knew how to handle things the best time to do it is before she goes to bed at nyt it helps her to sleep spend a few hours talking to her on your own and try and make her laugh with her ex boyfriends flaws... tell her to go out with her friends more and even if she dusnt think it sounds like fun at the time her mind will soon be elsewhere! tell her that time heals the pain and she is too young to be worrying about things like this its too late to do anything about her loosing virginity but if you give her the right advice she will definitley know for next time!! this will happen so many times over but love is a learning curve. she may have plenty more boyfrends before she finds the one and will of learnt something different from each one on how to cope and this will make her stronger i hope i have helped it always seemed to work with me
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A
male
reader, mikefromms +, writes (12 May 2009):
Take her to a professional counsellor. As adults you and your husband know about the hormones in teenagers. Girls feel loved by some slick talking guy, he gets his way and moves on only to use the same sly talk on another poor trusting girl.
If she'll go, go to a professional. The last thing you want is for her to sink into depression or get into a rebound relationship. Another thing, this guy may try to come back if he can't get with another girl on the weekend. She doesn't need him--you alredy know this.
Just suggestions.
Mikefromms
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 The fact that your daughter didn't wait is not really of importance anymore-it's done so there's no point worrying about it any longer. You say you don't know how to get her to wait longer next time but I don't think you'll need to. She will have learnt a valuable lesson from this and I'm sure she won't be in such a hurry when she meets somebody new. I can completely understand both sides of this because I was young and rushed into things when I lost my virginity and now I'm a mum myself I know I wouldn't want my daughter to make the same mistake. Try not to bring up the fact that she should've taken things slower anymore, just be there for her when she needs you. You sound like you have a good relationship with your daughter so I'm sure if she needs to talk, she'll know she can come to you. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Griim +, writes (12 May 2009):
 You can point out a road for someone to take but you can't expect them to take it. I think you are already doing the best for your daughter, educating her about sex and pointing her in a direction that you would like her to follow. Apart from comforting her whilst she is feeling upset there is little more you can do.
If you try and push your views onto her and attempt to force her to share your opinion on when is or isn't the right time to sleep with someone you would be over-stepping the line, even though you are obviously more older and wiser than she is. You can't stop her from making her own mistakes. Indeed, if you try and force her, as a teenager, she is more likely to rebel against you just for the sake of rebelling. I'm not suggesting that you are forcing your views onto her though, just that you should be careful not to.
Best of luck helping your daughter, I'm sure she will recover! After all, it is not the end of the world! :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): your her mum and I feel for you, you warned her and she didnt listen and now she is in pain , but like you rightly say she will get over it.
Be there for her,listen to her cry hereyes out, she may come to you, she may not . Do not bring up the whole sex thing at this point she will realise that herself and I honestly believe she will wait in the future, just comfort her and be strong for her in a couple of weeks she will be over him, as far as being a virgin is concerned, that wont be importnat to the person whom really loves her trst me on that.
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