A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I bought this guy that i was seeing a Christmas gift a few weeks before we got into a huge fight. Things were left badly where he blamed me for things that weren't my fault, and still blames me for something that i did almost a year ago. (i wrote something about him on my facebook after we got into a fight. I never posted his name or anything and no one knew who i was talking about as it was a generalized statement) I apologized a few months ago and i thought he forgave me, but he brought it up during our last argument and just doesn't seem to care or believe how sorry i am. The last thing he said to me was that he wanted nothing to do with me and hasn't responded to any of my texts since the fight(last week in October). Is sending him the Christmas gift a good idea if we haven't spoken since the fight? Will my kind gesture just make him even more mad at me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2014): "What everyone else said. However, I would like to add that it seems that you really don't understand why your passive-aggressive Facebook post was a bad thing: the people reading your "generalized" post aren't stupid, and every single time I've seen such a thing, it's obvious who the writer is posting about. It always is. The honorable and integrity-filled thing to do would have been to take up your grievances WITH HIM, and your public (not-so-subtle) airing of them was not only tacky, it was a betrayal. Just let that sink in, and never ever ever do that shit to a man again. I have a feeling that if you indeed "apologized," it was in the vein of "I really don't think it was that big of a deal, but ugh fine! I'm sorry already! Now just forget about it!"Actually that's not how i apologized at all. I explained everything to him and we were able to move on from it and i haven't since done anything like that since. And yes people on my facebook are stupid because i never post my relationship status online nor talk about my personal life online or who i'm dating. I made a generalized statement that actually applied to men in general a few weeks after our fight and when we weren't even together. He read into my post thinking it was about him when we started talking again and he went snooping through my posts and thought it was about him because i said something similar to his face, but my post at the time was not directly made towards him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2014): What everyone else said. However, I would like to add that it seems that you really don't understand why your passive-aggressive Facebook post was a bad thing: the people reading your "generalized" post aren't stupid, and every single time I've seen such a thing, it's obvious who the writer is posting about. It always is. The honorable and integrity-filled thing to do would have been to take up your grievances WITH HIM, and your public (not-so-subtle) airing of them was not only tacky, it was a betrayal. Just let that sink in, and never ever ever do that shit to a man again. I have a feeling that if you indeed "apologized," it was in the vein of "I really don't think it was that big of a deal, but ugh fine! I'm sorry already! Now just forget about it!"Just move on and learn from this situation - and don't send the gift.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 December 2014):
 Do Not stir the pot...The intent of the gift will be misread by him and he'll see it as a reason to "get back together'
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2014):
 Nope don't send it. Walk away and keep walking. This doesn't sound like a good or healthy relationship and a gift won't change that.
Either take it back to the store and refund or find some other use for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2014): He will not see the gift as a gesture of goodwill, he'll see it as a bribe. You used social media to humiliate him publicly; so he has to get past his anger before anything you say or do means anything. If you want to make a good gesture; send him a card with a handwritten letter of apology and leave him alone. For good! He has broken-up with you. Accept that.
Give the gift to someone who loves you and will appreciate it.
Don't waste your money or your time trying to bribe someone for forgiveness. Refusal or destruction of the gift would be a way to hurt your feelings. Don't set yourself up for that.
You can apologize only so many times. When the person is too petty to see past something you're sincerely sorry that you've done; then you forgive yourself. People will forgive you when they've gotten past the pain and anger. Not one second before that. Apologies don't erase memories and don't always repair the damage you've done. Let this be a lesson to you.
Fighting a lot ought to register in your brain that you and this guy don't get along. You're incompatible. Postpone your guilt for awhile. Direct your time and energies to those whom you love, and love you back. Not someone pissed-off at you.
By the way, it didn't matter if you didn't use his name, he knew the comment was about him! So did everyone else you've discussed your boyfriend problems with. If you can't keep your disagreements just between him and you, what does that say about you? Saying mean things on Facebook about him was spiteful. It wasn't what you said so much as the fact you are capable of such actions. Although we can't dismiss the fact the wuss carries a grudge an awful long-time.
The more he knows you're suffering, the longer he will refuse forgiveness. That's weakness in his character. Take it as a red-flag and a deal-breaker. You fought because you can't get along, and now you're forcing yourself on him. Take a hint. He's done with you.
This is what cruel and destructive behavior will get you.
Why would you want to be with someone who's unforgiving and blames you for sh*t anyway? Even worse, someone you can't even get along with. Your motive is not simply his forgiveness, but to get him back. He hasn't spoken to you for over a month. He dumped you. So he can shove it!
It's time to move on. He has decided that he doesn't like you for what you did, and isn't interested in seeing you anymore. Now you're the one who will have to face that fact and leave the guy alone. Don't ruin your Christmas begging for his forgiveness. It's over. Find joy with your friends and family for the Holidays.
Don't go on some futile mission trying to mend things in-time for Christmas and New Years, you'll end up depressed and frustrated. He'll see to it! You'll ruin the holidays for yourself and your family, moping over this guy. You should be using this time for healing and getting over him. Preparing for the Holidays! Celebrate that you've survived a month without his petty ass! Move forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2014): He has done this before as this is how he reacts to situations and has said similar things in the past. I understand where he is coming from since he is mad, but I'm just looking for closure and i don't think it comes off as desperate at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2014): I would not give him it as i very much doubt he will thank you. It does not sound like you two were very serious- either that or you were both very immature.
I would let him go, let him have his silly tantrum and find someone else to put up with it.
Meanwhile, learn to keep your private life off of Facebook. I know you did not mention his name etc but he knew what you were getting at and he felt stupid. Best you keep your dirty laundry were it belongs.
I certainly would not send the gift, try to return it or see if a relative would like it. If he loved you that much, he would have been intouch.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 December 2014):
 No, it isn't a good idea. Whether he was right or wrong, he's made it very clear he wants nothing more to do with you, and the fact that he's made no effort to contact you since then tells me he means it.
Sending him a gift is not a kind gesture, but a desperate one. It would look like you were trying to bribe him into coming back to you and that you had no self respect.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (6 December 2014):
 How long had you been dating? If there was that much animosity, I probably wouldn't send the gift and would try to return it. I sent a boyfriend a birthday present a week after we broke up, but our break up wasn't bitter and there was no anger. We both just wanted different things in life and still really cared about each other. It was a gift that he really had wanted and I knew how much he would appreciate it. You two haven't spoken in a while..I wouldn't bother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2014): Don't send him a gift, it would come across as stalk-y.
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