A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can use some advice on what to do next… I put myself in a pretty sticky situation through a series of poor mistakes and bad relationships, and now I am not sure where to go from here or how to move on. It all began back in 2010 when I was let go from a high paying job. Without work for eight months, and with items and vehicles that I was no longer able to afford, my finances and credit had been adversely affected. At the time, my partner whom I was very much in love with, left me due to the emotional and financial strain that followed. I have been single ever since and I find dating or meeting other guys very difficult. Recently however, I happen to meet a great guy online (yea, you can see where this is going). We had been chatting for several months and I haven’t felt so happy in years. I am from Los Angeles, California and he is from Montréal, QC, Canada. He is a handsome Québécoise man who is two years older than me. After some time I ended up moving to Montréal to be closer to him. I felt the move would also allow me to reestablish myself with a new clean credit score and fresh work prospects. I sold everything I owned to make the move. Everything was fine for a few months. We did so many things together and he quickly became my lover and best friend. He was the only person I had here in Montréal. Then one day he decided we should just be friends, but now he refuses to meet with me in person and won’t even speak with me anymore. I have spent most of my savings and have so little left that I am practically forced to move back to the States. My problem is, I can’t seem to let go. I realize that I should not have made this move in the first place, yet I am compelled to stay here because I am still so attached to him. I have spent weeks mourning and somehow I cannot come to part with losing him. I gave up so much to be here, to be with him. I have been very depressed at the thought of having no home here in Canada or in my own country. How does someone who gave up so much and lost it all recover from their mistakes and fix a depressed and broken heart?Thanks for your advice.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 April 2013):
The things I say are just based on my opinions. Firstly, you didn't give up anything "for" someone or even yourself. You blatantly put yourself in a terrible situation, putting all your eggs in one basket. It was a high risk move you made by making your life in Canada but you had no back up plan or anything. Just because you did more in this relationship and sacrificed more, doesn't make it any more unique or special than any other relationship. Reason being, you didn't know the guy enough to move to him. At the end of the day, no one forced you to give up your life in USA.
So where do you go from here...well you just need to remember how to love yourself again. You don't need a high paying job to make you happy, you dont need a partner to make you feel loved and home is where you make it. Wherever you are or end up, Canada and US, make a decision to stay and just do your best. Start over, make some new friends and just move on and forgive yourself for all the mistakes you made and stop blaming yourself for them. Learn so that they wont happen again but try to progress to being a happy person instead of a bitter one as well.
I am not saying it will be easy. I am saying that if you work hard and do your best, you too will be happy when you decide to be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): I too displaced myself for the love of someone else. I made the decision; therefore, I must stand by it. You centered your world around the other guy. You did it because you love him, and wanted to be near him. Some of us prove our devotion by making a big sacrifice. You made the most dramatic swan-dive into another guy's world! You left yours far behind.The lesson learned is, sometimes you really have to be sure when you make these decisions; that you are also prepared to deal with the consequences. Don't dwell on regret. It was really good while it lasted. There was some good in it too. That should bring you some inner-peace.You"ll learn to move forward by always seeing the adverse as a lesson learned. You have, and will survive it. You made an adult choice, and your only true regret is that he left you. Not that you came to be with him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. There is always some measure of risk.It hurts, but you'll be more careful about sacrificing too much, too soon. You were swept away by his looks, charms, and the dream. That's what being young and in love is all about. Your strength will return. The wounds are still fresh. You know you have the capacity to love, feel deeply, and you would go far to prove it. Love doesn't always require sacrifice. It always requires thought, responsibility, and compromise.He gave you a time of happiness in your life. Memories to keep and cherish when you're older and wiser. Experience to dwell on and pass on. You experienced heart-break, to learn what it feels like to be on the receiving end. So you're more careful with the hearts of others that love you. You know first-hand what pain you can inflict when you break someone's heart. Empathy. You saw something in him and you saw a future with him. That isn't always the outcome of falling for people. That's why I advise people to slow down so they don't make hasty decisions. You can follow your heart, but you still have to use your head. The heart (and the penis) knows no boundaries; that's what your head with two eyes is for.You sold everything you had to make a new start. You're learning what it is to survive. Frugality, and how to appreciate what you have. Being depressed about your loss will drain you, and you now feel a sense of hopelessness. You must pull yourself together, and use the very same resourcefulness that got you there in the first place.He dropped you hard. So now you have to spring back. Start searching for another job. You'll need two. You must get your finances back in order. You won't have time for partying and fooling around. You need work and you can't waste the time moping around over that which is now over. Don't depend on the kindness of strangers. You know what I mean about that!He will survive, and you shouldn't let him steal too much of you. You've given him enough. No more tears, take a deep breath, wash your face, blow your snotty nose, and go find extra work.You're over 25, so you've been around long enough to have had your heart broken before. You'll became more cautious, maybe a little less trusting. Remember, when you met this guy, you were able to find passion; and you went buck wild.You left your past life to find a new one with him. Dreams come to an end, and reality hits.Well, here we go again. Right?It's a good thing you've posted this. I can say I've also learned a little more. I think back, and realized that I am displaced; but I met someone special because of it. I can tell you that life is the journey that has a lesson at every turn. Some get smarter, and some just give up. Don't give up.You'll learn to recoup and survive your financial losses, you have lived away from the U.S. and learned what it's like to live away; and see the world from a different perspective. You have the courage to take a giant leap of faith, and you'll learn to land on your feet. Pass on good deeds and they'll come back to you. Sounds sappy, but it works.You haven't reached the end of the road; just because you lost a dreamy guy that you gave up too much to be with. You're crossing a bridge that is going to help you correct your past mistakes, and avoid repeating them in the future.Now you're no longer in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. Pun intended.Here's more advice:Don't be forced to jump back into a relationship on a rebound. Get out of the house and into the fresh air to clear your head... and to get out of your head! Call your family for moral support, and get in touch with some old friends. Save every dime, or whatever they call the unit in Canada.Go get yourself a good laugh. Avoid too much alcohol (you can't afford it). No more pity parties. Get a new haircut. Send out some resumes and ask around about temp work. Don't come home penniless. If you stay in Canada, do it for yourself.You'll find your way home.
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