A
male
age
36-40,
*amie A
writes:Dear Cupid,I am a 23 year old gay guy living in London. I have really strong values and want to meet someone decent who is kind, genuine and caring. I find it really difficult because most people my age just want to get drunk and sleep around and that really isnt me. During the middle of September I went out and met by chance a guy who at the time didn't think much of but a few days later he text me and we he came around for dinner. We chatted and just clicked and it was blissful and after he left I could not stop smiling. The only problem was that this guy was from America and was studying over here until Januaury 11. Although this was in the back of my mind I decided it was silly not to make the most of the time we had together. He text me every day and asked how I was and said he missed me when a few days would go by and we did the most lovely things togehter, walks in the park, picnics, went to see musicals, it was perfect. He was 21 and Im 23. You just don't meet people who want to do things like that. After a month I was just really falling in love with him. He was handsome, kind, intelligent and gentle and he was like a best friend as well as someone I was attracted too. He stayed over at my house one night and nothing happened in a sexual way which further more proved he was not using me. One night we went out and both had a bit too much to drink and in the heat of the moment as I was so happy I said he meant the world to me and I felt like I was falling in love with him. I said I was so worried as to how I was going to feel when he went back to the states. He said he really really liked me too and that we should make the most of the time we had together and it would be difficult for us both when that time came but it was a good way off. Looking back now I know I should not have given my heart away so soon but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. After that night we met up a couple of days later and he seemed a little bit distant but I know he was busy and would often be like that and I think I was just being paranoid at times. He was very affectionate and put his head on my shoulder when we were on the train and when we left he kissed me on the lips even sending me a text when he got home to say he had had a lovely evening. Since then it has been 3 weeks now and I have been in bed feeling terribly depressed. I text him to arrange meeting and he said he was not sure when he was free. Then he rang me and said it was getting really serious and he needed to take a step back from it all. I played it cool and said that was fine and another 2 weeks passed and there was no contact which killed me. I then sent a text asking to meet up and it would be nice to see him and he sent me one back saying he hoped I was doing good and that he needed to focus on himself right now and could not hang out. I sent one back saying I was not sure what he meant and was he saying he did not like me no more and I just wanted an explanation. He has not replied and now I don't know what to do. I feel like I have stated my case and the ball is in his court. My mind is in over drive and I just dont get what he is thinking. He just does not seem like the type of person who would make excuses and its not hard if he doesnt like me anymore to say if your hiding behind text messages that he just wants to be friends. I keep thinking he is in turmoil about it all because he really likes me and is pushing me away. But other times I think if he did like me he would be with me and I would not be feeling like this. He really did make me so happy and we met up such a lot over the 2 months we spent together. What do you think I should do and what do people think could have happened? I know it is difficult with him going back to the US but really if you love someone and it's meant to be in my mind there are no boundries. I would do anything for him. Do you think he might come back. Please help I am crying now just thinking about it all and hurting so much.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Hi Jamie, I just wanted to say thank you for your followup, I saw it and just remembered I wanted to check in with you.
I hope you have managed some brighter days and are out and about.
You are right, you did a brave thing, you made yourself vulnerable by sharing your feelings. There are many people in this world with regrets that they DIDN'T take the emotional risk you did. You at least can look back on this knowing you have done what you could.
Sometimes life is about timing and sometimes the timing is just flat out lousy and awful. I'm sure there are many people out there who never got together with a compatible person because of the timing, or distance or energy deficit, or family emergency or illness or any of a thousand things that can keep two people from connecting.
You took your best shot, it wasn't you, it was him and his timing. You just keep on thinking positively about what you have managed to accomplish and do not look back in regret.
Look back with fondness and happy memories and now I want you to look to your future and KNOW that there are more lovely memories waiting to be made with a special person. You have to be open to the opportunity though, and if you get caught up in someone who cannot ever be yours, you might miss him!
Okay? Be strong, be brave and above all, be true to yourself. You won't go wrong. Take care.
A
male
reader, Jamie A +, writes (11 November 2010):
Jamie A is verified as being by the original poster of the question To the 3 people who have kindly so far commented thank you very much for taking the time to do this.
Actually, just last night he did respond to my text message and said that he thought I was a lovely guy and he promised it was not me, but said that he realised that it was getting really serious and that he was over here to study until christmas and then had to go back home to finish his degree which ends next June. He said he tried to explain on the phone to me but did a poor job. He said he was trying to say he thought under the circumstances he thought it was best not to meet, and that it was not me it was personal to him.
I sent one back and said I would love to say goodbye before he goes home it seems such a harsh way to kiss me goodbye the last time we met and then that be it forever. I would love to just say goodbye and give him a hug and explain how I feel just so it comes to a nice end. I know I can't put my life on hold and cling to hope but I really deep down feel like he was the one. He made me so happy, he was sweet, kind and intelligent and just not like the typical gay guys you meet. Some might say if he was the one I would not be feeling like this now but to be fair, he does have to go home to finish his degree and he is just starting off his career and if that is what he needs to focus on then I can't just expect him to up sticks and leave all that behind.
However I would love to keep in touch with him on Facebook and maybe one day when things are different we will meet again and this time he will realise what he is missing. I know I have got to get on with my life and I agree with the lady who said I am starting to wallow totally. But this is so unlike me and when I take stock of the situation I realise to feel like this he really must have been something special.
I am proud of myself for staying true to who I am and for telling someone my feelings and know from experience there are few people who out there who can do that. Maybe one day he will look at my pictures, remember how happy we were and look back and realise he has to find me. I guess it's the whole if it's meant to be thing.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words, I really am sensitive and hurting so much, I keep walking the same places we did and sitting under our favourite tree, its the memories that hurt. I do understand I can't compare my situation to someone who has lost a husband or wife but to me now in this moment I am hurting so much. God Bless.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Well, it seems to be the American way. No one here wants to be attached to anybody. Most American boys just want to have fun. They are afraid of any kind of strings.
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A
female
reader, soinlovededra +, writes (11 November 2010):
I agree love has no boundaries. but i think you should give him some space dont text or call him let him chase you. If it is love his actions will show it. you said you wish u had given your heart away so soon. somethings we just cant control. Love especially its just so powerful it brings joy & pain. Just express your feelings make them clear to him. Either he'll except them or he wont. Long distance relationship can be kinda rocky. Everything will work out in due timr he'd be a fool not to love you, you seem really sweet with a really big heart. Then also you have to think about his side he stays all the way in America his emotions running all wild with you he's studying for this stuff it may be rather stressful i say just give him sometime then try again if not it wasnt ment to be. He can always be a great friends maybe even with benefits (:
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2010):
Hi Jamie, I'm sorry this has been a difficult relationship for you. You made yourself vulnerable and revealed your feelings to someone you cared a lot about and to be ignored and pushed away is very hurtful. I don't know why he hasn't replied, I could hazard some guesses but maybe they are all off base.
The basic thing is that he's backed away and unfortunately this means you have to mourn the loss of the potential relationship, and pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get yourself back out into the world now.
Three weeks of crying in bed is long enough, for the relationship wasn't that long. I know, we tell people the mourning period for relationships is as long as you need, but I think you've reached the point where you are wallowing.
You need to get yourself out of bed, have a nice fresh bath with some lavender scented soap and a good scrub. Get the blood moving in your veins again.
Stop eating all the junk food or start eating if you've stopped. You need some lean protein, some nice tasty filling complex carbs and perhaps some good mood altering chocolate. A lot of nice lovely dark chocolate.
A nice brisk walk in the outdoors and some people around you. Get your friends to support you on this, okay? A sorrow shared is a sorrow lightened.
Maybe he was afraid that you came on too strong. Maybe he has a boyfriend at home already, and doesn't want to come clean. Maybe he's a great big reluctant chicken. Maybe he hasn't come out to his family in America and doesn't want to explain it. Maybe he's living a double life. Maybe he's a flaming arsehole who just happens to be an amazing nice guy impersonator.
Whatever the reason, it's probably not going to make you feel any better that he's treated you so shabbily. You don't need this, okay? You need to be taking good care of you and cherishing and nurturing yourself, if he doesn't have the wit to realize that you are a great catch.
So there. Take good care of yourself now. Start tomorrow. Good night's sleep, get some good breakfast tomorrow and turn your face toward the sunnier days you'll have ahead of you.
Take care.
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