A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So after almost four years together I am now trying to figure out if I want to be with her.I am in a same sex relationship (female) and it's gotten to the point where I am becoming very depressed and upset with the way things are going.She doesn't seem interested in me, always seems to be peed off at me for some reason, she takes alot of her anger out on me and I have to question if she even wants to be with me anymore. With other people, she is never like this but just by coming home and being with me seems to set her off into being really grumpy. We rarely have sex and I just feel so unloved and unwanted. I moved cities to be with her and right now, I feel so alone. It's not an option for me to move out and find another place and she is very stubborn and has said that if we split up, she will not be moving. I have no one to talk to about this. I tried to talk to her earlier but she was a bit drunk (she does drink alot) and even when I say I'm not happy and that I fear the relationship is in trouble, she won't even respond. Whenever I try to have a serious talk with her, she turns it around and accuses me of giving her a hard time. Why would I unless she behaved this way?I know most people will think it's over and I should just move on but I don't have the money or get paid enough to afford my own place. I know that shouldn't be a reason to stay but I just know that if I say I want us to break up, she will never move out.I feel so sad that things have gotten to this point and if I thought there was anything I could do, I would be doing it because I want us back the way we once were and I feel so desperate and alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Thanks for all your replies.I have looked around for a place but this place is the cheapest around and we share the rent so finding a flatshare is always gonna cost more. She earns more than me but I know she will never move from here. When she split with her ex, her ex moved out and left all furniture etc so I get the impression that my gf is not gonna let this go smoothly if we do split. I don't really have any family, my dad lives overseas and my sister lives in another city - they don't know I'm gay. Since I moved here, I have made a few friends, mainly through places I've worked but don't really have anyone I can turn to or rely on. Coping with this atmosphere and situation on my own is making me very miserable. These moods and strops have happened before and it usually ends up with both of us being miserable, having a ruined week or holiday and then when I force the situation and have a yelling match she usually crumbles and admits that the thing that originally made her grumpy and treat me like this is something really trivial like getting frustrated about her computer not working. This of course makes me worse.Think what I'm trying to say is that we do get back on track but only after I act like the adult and force her to speak. A half-hearted sorry doesn't cut it anymore, it doesn't make up for the way she behaves.I hear what you say about relationships are meant to make you happy and I think right now, both of us need to ask whether we are getting anything from this anymore. Sometimes it feels like I'm just here cos she doesn't want to be on her own, I can be her doormat when it suits her.And is there anything here that might be making her behave like this? We recently both stopped smoking as she had a cancer scare, this made her moods even worse but these problems have been around for a long time. I've tried to tackle the issue of her problem drinking but she sees nothing wrong with it, even tho most of the time these situations start through her behaviour when she's drunk. Only time she will change her ways is when I tell her best friend about it - she will listen to her but not to me.I'm beginning to wish I'd never moved here as I now realise that I'm about to lose out and my gf will probably just carry on unaffected if I move out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): You sound so sensitive, genuine and loving, so I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation with your partner, and unlike the two other response so far, I'm not supporting that the relationship is over, nor that it's impossible to get back on track - but realistically, you must also face you cannot make a relationship thrive alone.
You say you have been together for four years, so there must have been god times, when you felt she loved you, where she was giving to the relationship. I note you say, she's grumpy around you, she drinks a lot, and you rarely have sex.
So what has happened say over the last 12 months to her? Has anything changed in her life, not your respective lives together, but personally for her. Has she any problems, work wise, family, depression, has she always drunk as much as she does now. There is so much more going on here, I feel sure of this. Most times, posters, don't always give background details, or when changes occur, but those are KEY areas.
Now whether you are in a same sex relationship ( Lesbian) hate the term, as love is love, but I want to make a point. Your partner is female, there fore her emotions, and if she feels somewhere along the line, she is not getting fulfilled in some way - females do have a tendency to withdraw sometimes, it's there way of showing their partner, they're not happy. Which of course is evident, but I'm trying to get you to see, this may or may not be anything directed at you - she may have problems outside of your relationship.
Marriages go through real bad patches, and couples don't give up at the first hurdle, and this may be your first hurdle, so if you love her, tell her, tell her calmly that whatever is wrong, she can talk to you, that you want to get things back to where they were. Leave it at that, let her think about that.
Equally, don't let your own life slip away, take care of yourself - and as much as I know you feel lonely, and for that, I'm sorry, I have been there too in my life, it's not good. But you cannot stay with anyone just because you cannot afford to live alone. One of the reasons it is never a good idea to move in with someone, unless all the finances are resolved before your move in. Who pays for what, what will be split if you part, yes, I know not very romantic, but life is not a fairy tale, and we must be logical sometimes, because once we've done that, we can then get on and make our relationships romantic.
Not sure how long all this has been going on, but perhaps give yourself a deadline to work to. May be six months, where you try to encourage her to open up and resolve these issues. It then gives you time in the future that you know is not endless emptiness for you, meaning, you set this deadline for either moving on to counselling for you both, or re-evaluating the situation and deciding IF you can continue with her. That way it will give you some respite in your mind, that after six months you put a ceiling on it, and make your decisions for YOU, and what is best for you.
I really feel for you, please don't feel all is lost yet, as when we live with someone it's real life, and full of lots of downs, that we can't escape, life is not like that.
Good luck, hope I've helped a little.
X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): First of all (((hugs))) to you. I think she is alcoholic so the best thing is to break up at least for a while. If she won't talk to you or go to counseling there is not much else you can do.
Discuss a break with her and see what will happen with living arrangements. Maybe you can share with others until you get a better job.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 You cant force someone to try in a relationship, they need to do that themselves hunny and she is just not willing to work on it. You answered your own question. I think its time you both need a break. I can understand that you might not have the money to rent your own place, well maybe you should look in to flat sharing until you get on your feet. I think you know that the relationship has come to an end as she is not even willing to work on it. I think flat sharing would be far better than living in an unhappy environment. It is only going to drag you down if you continue like this. So its time to become independant tell her how you feel and if she wont move out tell her that you will and go and find shared accomodation and start your life over again. You dont need her. Goodluck Sweetie.
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