A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been with my wife for 5 years. Our relationship started off very passionate and exciting. We used to be very touchy and sexually intimate. Over the last 2 years or so, this spark has significantly died down and now we're rarely physical. In many ways I feel like I'm being pushed away. Things recently got pretty bad between us and during an argument my wife told me that she wasn't happy. I told her that I felt the same way. We agreed that we love each other but don't feel "in love" right now. A few nights later, I went to use the computer that we share and I saw an email from her ex-boyfriend that she dated until just before we met. It sparked my interest, and I started searching for more emails. It turns out that they have kept in touch for quite some time. The emails aren't explicit, but they do close with salutations like "miss you" or "kiss." Ever since I discovered this, I have continued to watch her email, which makes me feel a mixture of guilt and sadness. It's not that I'm a perfect angel, but of course it hurts to read these things. Today I read that she is going to be in the same town as him in a couple months and they are planning to meet up. This greatly concerns me. I know that it is wrong to be reading her emails and I can't confront her about this without also revealing that I have been doing so. It will also mean that I will likely lose access to her account, so I will no longer know what's going on. What should I do? I don't want to make the situation worse, but I also don't want to be some weak dope that stands by while this guy makes a move on my wife. Thank you so much for your thoughts.
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her ex, move on, spark Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your answers so far. The perspectives are very helpful. It's a tough situation but I feel fortunate to have your advice and feedback.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): If you just stand by, and do nothing, then you ARE a weak and another guy is going to spread your wife open. The sin of invading her privacy is done; you can not un-ring a bell. When you do confront her (unless you are weak) she will hide the shame of getting caught with anger and indignation of her privacy being violated. Admit it was wrong but do NOT let her make it the primary issue. Secondly, this might be the confrontation that either of you might not want to happen. This is where you need to discuss your unhappiness and problems. If things are that bad, divorce might enter the conversation. The point is that you both have to deal with this now. Not after she has a lovely time with her soon to be lover.
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A
female
reader, B123  +, writes (18 February 2011):
 OK I would let her meet up with him. It sounds to me like this is an issue of trust. You are scared that you will lose your wife to this other man. I want you to go to Youtube and watch a movie called Fireproof - it's on Youtube in 12 parts. It will give you a few ideas on how to get the spark back into your marriage. You need to tell her you want her. You miss her. You miss the good times you guys used to have and want them back. It looks like she is projecting onto her ex bf what she really wants in you as a partner instead of working at your relationship. So now you ask her directly that you are concerned that you do not feel 'in love' with each other right now. You want to fix that but you need her help and that you can't do this without her. A woman needs to feel needed and appreciated and well liked I say you saw these e-mails when you shouldn't have..now you have to pretend like you haven't so that you can still keep tabs on what she is getting up to. You are going to drive yourself mad if you keep to do this. What I would do is try to get your intimacy back. If you want to make love - then you tell her you want to bring her away and treat her to something different that you don't want you relationship to go stale just because its gotten routine. Tell her you love her to bits - surprise her..as you see in that movie..its the little things that will help get your marriage back to the way you once had it...might take you 40 days...like I say watch that movie!!!! for ideas. As for her meeting the ex, even if she does, I doubt she will have sex with him on a first meeting even if she misses him. She is merely curious to see if she should have been with him instead of you. I know you don't want to hear that and you know deep down that this is the real issue here - you have the advantage here as you have been with her for years!!! why will she be so quick to throw that away for an ex who she is not even sure won't hurt her again?? remember an ex is an ex for a reason. She is prob just wondering what happened in his life as they have been out of touch for so long. She is possibly a bit bored. I think its curiousity causing all this. You need to look like you trust her even if you don't. Otherwise you will grow further away from her and somehow I don't think you want that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): You are in a difficult position. Maybe the best thing you can do is to open a conversation with her, with the help of a therapist. If you are going to reconnect and regenerate the spark in your romance, you need a bit of a push to get past the current inertia. You also might need to listen openly to why she is unhappy. You may want to express your own dissatisfaction too. You are not alone. It's not easy to sustain the kind of intimacy that leads to emotional connectedness on an ongoing basis. You have a bit of lead time before the proposed visit. Use it. You can't control what she does, and you don't want to give your 'bird's eye view" away, much as you wish to come clean. You need it, in my estimation, as a means of follow-up when she returns. It may let you know if more came of the meeting than just a reunion. You might also ask her point blank if she is putting her emotional energy elsewhere, while admitting if, and whether, you have done the same. It's expensive, stressful, and destructive to divorce. If you can get a successful reconciliation and be mindful in your approach to the relationship, and if she does the same, you might be able to recover. Don't beat yourself up either way. You may not have seen this coming. She may not have either. The best you can do is to deal with the situation as it is now, with renewed commitment to moving towards the future. On second thought concerning the email. You may very well want to bring that into the open in advance of the her departure, in the office with the therapist. You can admit your ambivalence about continuing to snoop, but also allow her to "own" continuing an emotional association with a man who used to fill the role you do now. I guess I am a bit old school, but I would not be happy to find a correspondence or regularized and undisclosed,body of communication with an ex. If it's all above-board, he should have been an acquaintance of BOTH of you. Otherwise, the tendency is to view the grass as "greener", either in memory, or in an imagined future. Best wishes for good resolution.
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