A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some help trying to understand my feelings... I went travelling alone for 3 months leaving my boyfriend behind. I have always wanted to travel and it was a now or never decision. We talked about it and he was happy for me to go. We had been long distance before then so I felt this wouldnt be too hard or change anything. But it did. We had had our problems for a while. Although we loved each other, the "spark" was gone. Looking back I think it was down to bad timing for us. When we began to date there was a spark. After we had to do long distance, for my studying, things began to get strained. Anyway, when I was travelling, I felt more self confident and felt the need to distance myself from him. I felt that I had become dependant on him and being away made me feel comfortable being alone. So I basically moved on and decided to split with him when I returned. When I returned, he guessed I wanted to break up and he said he understood and said that for him the spark had gone. He said I am nice, but he sometimes thinks he'd rather be with a bitch who he has a spark with. I was very hurt by this because I always kept a spark alive for him(until I went travelling and took a mental "break"). He said he still loves me and wants to be friends. Despite the bad times, he has treated me really well. Bought me nice things and helped me out so much and been there whenever I need him. He said that he wants to always be friends and if I ever need anything to call him. He has given me mixed messages that he is very sad loves me and misses me, but then when he is strong he is very practical about it and says feelings will be up and down for the next few weeks then we will start to get over it and eventually we can go for a pint together as mates.I have now become very confused. I am greatful that he was agreeable with me, but I still feel awful. I feel like I have failed him, because I told myself I would love him forever. Seeing him again brought it all back. He is such a good guy and we can get on very well. I just feel sorrow that the timing has never been right that we could have a chance. I believe that if we could have actually been together without knowing that we would have to separate again, that the spark may have been stronger, as we could have been closer. But he told me that he only thinks that our relationship lasted so long because we were together then apart then together, because it kept it interesting. He said that he loses interest in all of the women he dates after the first few months... this is a patern for him. I however believe you have to work to keep things going and if you love someone you will do whatever it takes. So I was hurt to hear that he basically lost interest in me and that would explain a lot of our issues. It just hurts because I really felt like we had something special. Very special and I worked so hard to keep things going. I was prepared to be with him forever because I loved him so much. I never lost interest in him, as a person or sexually/romantically. I think he partly has been holding back to protect himself as he has had so many failed relationships. Well, I thought I was over him, and was happy to move on. But after seeing him and talking about breaking up, I suddenly had all these memories and feelings come back. And I feel like I've failed us. But I know it is just life. One of those things that is no ones fault. I just worry that I am letting a good thing go and I know I am. But I just fear I would have to compromise my life plans too much to make it work, as I do not know if he would be prepaired to compromise at all and we both want to do different things. It just breaks my heart, because I saw him out and my heart was pounding and I couldnt think of anything else. So I went to say hi, just because it felt like it would be rude not to, and I could tell he still had feelings. He was looking at me as I left. I guess I am just confused by it all. It just seems so unfair :( You find someone you connect with and love so much, yet somehow it is not meant to be :( I had decided I want to live in another country but he does not. Now I am back home this doesn't feel so certain anymore, or like I am afraid I will not enjoy it now because I will always be wondering if it was the right thing to do :(Has anyone else been through something like this? How did it work out for you?
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long distance, mixed messages, move on, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): Before you invest your heart again, take a look at a guy's history. Your ex lost interest in all his relationships and not just yours. Many women think they will be different so they ignore the lack of character in a guy and it's not a good gamble.
Do you normally fall for the bad boys or the distant ones? I don't think it's bad timing but the kind of men you choose. They guarantee disappointment and shattered dreams.
You say he is a good guy but a good guy is not going to announce he loses interest in all women after a few months. He said that so you would work harder in the relationship to prove you are different and the gain to him is he gets to be greedy and get more than he gives. A bitch would not let him get away with this.
You sound very nice and kind and your qualities should only be wisely invested in guys who earn it before you give it so freely. Your flaws aren't those qualities but giving those qualities away to someone who won't appreciate them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous just to clarify... I did not leave the country to make him fall in love with me... I went travelling for myself, and had the best experience of my life. Which allowed me to see things from another perspective and be happy being alone, and thus decided to break up with him. Yes I probably was too nice and tried too hard. I invested too much of myself into the relationship and not enough into myself and my own happiness. I know this is true. I know I cannot make him be "in love" with me. And I have realised how much I am worth. I AM a nice and a good person and I deserve someone who will love me for it, not lose interest in me for being "nice". I am much more than nice anyway. My kindness is just 1 of my good qualities. I know I make a very good partner as I put my all into a relationship. I will probably not be able to change that as once I love someone I find it hard to stop... hense this question. But I deserve someone who will appreciate that and give me the same in return.
Ok, I guess I may still be in denial. It's true if he really loved me he would have faught for me and the relationship. Instead he let me go. It breaks my heart but I guess I will just have to keep strong and come to terms with it. Now I am free to persue my dreams of living in another country. I will just have to separate myself from him mentally and emotionally. I just feel so dissappointed and sad, because we did click. We did have a good connection. I'm hurt that he lost interest in me for being "nice". I'm really insulted. I thought he saw more in me than just "niceness". If that's all he thought of me then he can get stuffed! I do deserve more and it is his loss because I would have done anything for him in and out of the bedroom. He does not know how lucky he was.
I guess it does teach me I need to be more open when I am angry/unhappy. I need to learn to assert myself in relationships. Then maybe I won't be mistaken for nice anymore. I am through with nice. You work so hard to be good to others and think of them and you get repayed like this. Well thats bullshit! Well I am not going to talk to him, he has to come to me. He is the one that let this die. All I have tried to do is love him. If the spark died for him why did he stay with me so long?
Sorry to ramble. Well thanks I think you've helped me see sense. I just wish I could keep sight of this and stop feeling regret and thinking he really loved me :(
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (2 January 2012):
 You two will find your way back together if the feelings you both have for each other remain strong. However, it's also normal after a breakup to not only question the decision, but panic and believe you made the wrong one. He was someone you were with for a long enough time that you became used to having him in your life. Now that he no longer is, of course it feels like something is missing, and it's easy to fill that hole with mixed emotions and misconceptions.
I have had many relationships, but I've only really felt what you're feeling now once before. In my case, ending the relationship was absolutely the right thing to do, but it took time to get to the point where I could realise that on my own. It's hard after you break up; you convince yourself that the feelings are still there, but you haven't yet let them fade.
My advice is to give it time. If you're still feeling as strongly as you are now in a few months, I'd suggest talking to him to see if he feels the same. If he doesn't... move on, because that means he already has.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): Sounds like you are a bit in denial still. Your ex probably cared very much for you, probably even loved you very much, but wasn't in love with you. You were probably too nice, did too much for him, and your overeagerness and intensity made him lose interest. I think it's very common for guys to react that way when you make them your only focus. The trip away did nothing to renew his interest so the romance is dead for him.
He broke up with you and the right guy for you would not do this and not say what he said to you. The guy just wasn't in love with you and now you know you can't make someone feel that way, even leaving the country for three months will not make a guy not in love with you fall in love with you.
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