A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well this isn't a very original problem, except for now its happening to me and although a lot of questions I have been reading hit close to home, I have to ask anyway... My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 years and living together for 4, I just found out he avidly downloads internet porn(about everyday). My boyfriend and I have a really great relationship which I am very happy with, however, this habit makes me very uncomfortable. I told him I didn't necessarily want him to stop, just do it less, like not everyday, maybe cut back to 2,3 times a month. He said he was going to stop completely because he didn't want to do anything that hurt me... I'm sure it comes to no surprise to any of you that less than a week later he was back at it. He said he changed his mind and that I was being puritanical and that men have different needs that women will never understand. I'm sure this is true which is why I didn't ask him to stop in the first place, now he doesn't even want to compromise by doing it less. I work and go to school which means I'm out a lot when he's at home and all I can think about is how he's probably drooling in front of the internet and wanking off.I just want to know how to deal with this situation. Breaking up with him seems extreme, but if I can't stop obsessing over it, I think I'll go crazy. It makes me nausea and depressed knowing how much he enjoys watching other women's bodies and getting off on god-knows-what. What is the deal with men and internet porn, seriously.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): your partner seems very into porn and i can see why its a problem you haven't asked him to stop which means you aren't being controlling about it, asking him to cut down and him agreeing then doing again seems like he was just trying to get you off his back. you need to talk to him about it and how you feel and ask him what he thinks about it, if he cant understand why your hurt then you need to discuss things more seriously thats what i'm doing with my relationship so i know how hurt and untrusting you feel its not fair for women to feel like this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your advice, its really helped me to gain some perspective.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): Yeah, I hate it too.
And I can see him becoming desensitised.
If he sees me naked, he doesnt even look up anymore. But boy, any other porn women and he cant look away.
It hurts. I cant do anything to appear new and exciting to him again.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (28 August 2008):
 The deal is that it is just so incredibly easy to get to porn on the internet. I live in China, a supposedly repressive, totalitarian state, with tight controls on the internet (if you believe what the media tells you :-) ) and yet in under 10 seconds I could have pictures or video of any kind of beautiful girl doing any thing to anyone.
Never before in human history have men been able to get themselves turned on so easily and so quickly. It seems at first as if there is really zero cost: you don't have to pay any money, you don't have to be embarrassed by seeing a shop keeper, you don't even have to move from your seat.
They did an experiment with (male) rats which had electrodes wired in to the pleasure centres in their brain such that they could effectively give themselves an orgasm by pressing a button. Guess what, they starved themselves to death as they sat there pressing the button with big stupid rat grins on their faces. If men could keep on having orgasms we would do the same thing as those rats.
So, it is partly just the ease of it and then there is a curiousity factor. Men are perhaps, on average, a little more curious than women and so there's an element of "I wonder what that looks like" and then that leads to "She's going to do WHAT with that!" and then it escalates as you become desensitized - a naked woman does nothing for you and then a couple having sex does nothing for you and then ... and then ...
I'm fortunate in that I don't have a problem with porn but I know that I easily could.
I think that putting pressure on him to stop is, I fear, going to achieve nothing because the forbidden fruit is only 10 seconds away.
Indulge me here but think of Orsino at the opening of 12th Night:
If music be the food of love, play on,
Give me excess of it; that surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That's the line I would take if I were you. It is no longer forbidden but rather you encourage it, you insist on it. You want to watch him doing it, you want evidence that he's wanking 3 or more times day .... pretty quickly it will lose its thrill. There is of course the danger that my theory is wrong and that you will have turned your man into an utter loser but hey, you're thinking of leaving him anyway.
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A
female
reader, Befuddled1  +, writes (28 August 2008):
 I'm in the same position girl...except my fella has developed that much of a fondness for porn that we rarely have sex anymore.
He told me loads of times that he will stop then i end up snooping and find more.
He has however disposed of the porn and given me access to his pc stuff...I'm now the porn police!!! i hate it though and feel like an old nag!
You say that your relationship is good otherwise so it seems you are still both being intimate which is good.
From what I can gather the vast vast majority of men watch porn and feel no guilt about it, I'm not anti-porn myself and I like to watch it but not at the expense of my relationship.
I dont think its easy to stop, it is an easily accessable high, no mess ,and there is nobody else to take the trouble to satisfy. apparently it releases a powerful chemical into the brian that relieves stress and this is very addictive.
I can totally understand you going to work feeling gutted that he is spending him time looking at other women. god...I know how that feels. women you feel you cant compare to. The thing is... I believe its not the actual woman he is drooling over but the scenario and fantasy that turns him on. You should not feel not good enough because these women are paid to look that way and undergo surgery to look like that...Its their job!
It helps me to see them as actors...they are scripted and directed and probably hoping for the (often uncomfortable/painful) scene to be over then they can go home. AND to be honest a lot of them aren't that nice anyway...
The men are usually not the best looking men alive which makes it even worse for us ladies...whats in it for us?
I hope it helps to know you're not alone and you're not being puritanicle.
As long as he still compliments you, wants to be intimate with you and respects your feelings you might start to feel better.
But...you did try to compromise...you didnt say he couldn't watch it atall! he is not some horny teenager who hasn't got a girlfriend to fantasise about is he?
If its makes you unhappy he should respect you and cut back...lifes too short to put up with crap
Good luck, may the force be with you
x
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A
female
reader, Missappletree +, writes (28 August 2008):
Try to take a step back and chill.
Done? ok good.
You have a few options, but you need to think about how important this issue really is, it obviously matters quite a lot to you, so he should respect that. Try and work out why it bothers you so much? If it's just cos you think it's sick, then..all guys have habits.
I don't know if this is making a lot of sense..
Basically, work out if/why its important to you, then go from there.
"My boyfriend and I have a really great relationship which I am very happy with" -try and focus on the good side too!
Hope this helps..at least a bit ^^
Good luck
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