A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everybody. Thanks for choosing to take the time to read this. So, I was involved with a married man. Over time, it started taking its toll on me. (He initiated the flirting, I stayed away because I knew he was married, he started initiating alone time, then he kissed me, and... not too much time after, we became involved.) I gave him plenty of outs, and myself, too. I never thought I'd be involved with a married man, but now I understand how it can happen. I'm not saying it's right, but there you go. Anyway, it came to the point where it started to get too much. I really supported his decision to make a change in his life. (He said his marriage was over for a few years already, but they hadn't done anything about it because of their kids and because he didn't like confrontation.) I wanted to make sure he wasn't taking steps to end his marriage because of me. I didn't want to be that person. He reassured me this was something he was going to do regardless. We got close. We had a connection. He was the first 'boyfriend' to really support me, to not run away because of occassional mental health issues, and he was really open and willing to have that serious talk whenever it was necessary, and so much more. Months later and he hadn't yet done anything about his situation. We exchanged advice and suggestions often. This eventually lead to me telling him that he should think about what this is doing to him, and to his kids. (I'm a child of divorce and knew what was going on even at a young age. Kids aren't stupid, they know when something is going on.) He said the entire time he's been thinking about what it's doing to me, and apologized, stated again his fear of confrontation, and that perhaps he got lazy, and also he's afraid of telling his kids about the lie he and their mother have been living for years now. So, about a week ago, I told him he needed to fight for himself, for his kids... and for me. In order for me to invest more, I needed to see some action on his part. I hated having to do that, but the ambiguity was hurting me, and quite frankly, I started to worry he might lose custody of his kids if we were found out. I couldn't live with that. So, it was ultimatum-ish, which I didn't like, but I needed some kind of action either way. Light a fire under his bum so to speak, and stop the constant "we have feelings for each other" but can't do anything about it cycle. A few days ago he came back and told me he started taking steps to move out, and then tell the kids. Finally, right? He also said he "can't do this" right now. His feelings for me hadn't changed, and he didn't want me to think he's running away because of the personal issues I disclosed (like previous bfs had) but he can't be there for me the way he'd like, or the way I need, and that it was hurtful for us both. Agreed. I'm a very emotional (in the sense that I wear my heart on my sleeve) individual, but that day, I felt so numb, so emotionless. I was very quiet even after he asked if I wanted to say anything. I said no. What was I going to say, really? He asked if he could hug me. I didn't deny him that. We hugged and then he left. I've been feeling the need to cry since that day, but as soon as my eyes water up, the urge stops. I'm really confused about my reaction, or lack thereof. I know it was the right thing to do. The ambiguity is gone. Where did my emotions go, though? It's almost like it was too easy. I've had amicable breakups before, but even then I showed more emotion (on my own time, mostly). I don't understand. I also don't know what I'm really asking from readers on here. I guess I just needed to get this out in a 'safe' place perhaps. Anyway, thank you so much for reading my long ramble. If you feel struck in any way about any of this, I would like to hear from you. Much appreciated. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNJDakota, thank you so much for your thorough reply. I really appreciate the time you took to respond. You hit on some very key items which really resonate with me. I still have yet to cry or react really, but I'm going to try to make peace with that in the meantime. If it happens, it happens. If not, maybe I've already started healing unbeknownst to me. Either way it'll take time and I'm okay with that. Thank you again for your time!
A
male
reader, NJDakota  +, writes (28 April 2013):
Being in a relationship with a married partner is rarely fun in the long run. It is almost always a relationship filled with highs and lows, (with a lingering presence of mental illness as you stated can never be a good thing) you need and crave consistency and stability and as you have described the honeymoon phase wears off rather quickly and when there is no commitment or change the relationship ends. Whether married or not any break up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it jades you. The hardest part is dealing with the break up and moving on to happier and healthier relationships. When dealing with situations like this I have always told friends to first look at what got you into the relationship in the first place. I could go down a list of instances but it seems like you pretty much summed them up 1. He chased you - Mr. Suave knew all the right moves, all the perfect things to say, he was persistent, he showed courage and initiative, made the first move and TADA! You became involved. You yourself said that he was the only man you have ever been with. I think it is funny because most of the answers you are looking for are right here in your own monologue. You put the word boyfriend in quotations because you already know inside despite whatever you had he really was never truly yours. He always belonged to someone else at the end of the day regardless of what you two had. That is where the lack of emotion comes from I believe because in your heart I think you knew he would never leave and he proved that. Perhaps you were lonely, insecure, had low self esteem, lost sight of your self worth, needed a man for validation, or had you convinced yourself that a part time relationship was better than none at all. You have to question yourself and think that in retrospect "What was he really looking for?" sex, a confidant, a playmate, an escape from the norm, or some spice to his life. Let me guess, you gave him attention, listened to his complaints about his life, wife, marriage kids and all the while you were comparing yourself to his wife and telling him how much better you could treat him then his current wife. As you said you waited in hopes he will leave his wife for you. I am sure you believed he was a good man and felt sorry for him. I also think from the way you right that you gave him certain freedoms for accepting you the way you were. You had compassion and love for him, you felt sorry for him all the while not realizing that there are two sides to the story and somewhere in the middle is the truth.
When you pushed to hard for him to do the divorce deed he pushed you away and ended it. Don't ever subject yourself to less than what you truly deserve based on insecurities. Just because you have mental illness (which you mentioned several times) does not make you any less worthy and love and relationships. You deserve every iota of happiness obtainable. I feel he preyed on you, he saw you in a state and feed on that. You stood up for yourself and demanded he act, in my humble opinion, I think you gave as you put it "an out" with this action. It was really you who ended it, knowing he would not leave his wife. Kudos to you!!!! I think his gesture at the end what you think was the breakup was him saying goodbye. Give yourself more credit have courage and move on from here with knowledge and experience.
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