A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need opinions...So my husband and I are ending things. For our own personal reasons. My husband was and is emotionally abusive and can't seem to change. We have a mutual friend that we both just starting hanging around. I, ( knowing that I will be single again soon), have developed an attraction to him and I feel that the attraction is mutual. He is very polite about it knowing I am married and not knowing that my husband and I are ending things. He is not at all inappropriate. I have a place to live, but it's 4 hours away over the mountains in the desert: I would have friends over there ( I lived there previously for a year) but I really don't want to move that far away from where I am now and my family. They are over here where I am now.So I was thinking of asking this guy if I could room with him once everything is finalized ( I wouldn't mention it to him until it's finalized) I know my husband would be pretty mad if he found out. But he will be mad no matter who I live with. I also don't want to rush into another relationship but it would be way more convenient if I could live within 1.5 hours from my family still. If I was upfront with this guy and told him I didn't want to rush into anything maybe it would be okay just to be roomies with him for several months before we move on? What's your thoughts? Is it a horrible idea? ( this guy is kinda my dream guy) or so it appears I know ppl can be decieving. I guess j am afraid he will get a serious gf and then I won't have a chance. I'm probably being really immature? I just haven't been out dating in 9 years. To say I am a little freaked out in an understatement.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): Yes I agree with everyone else; a very bad idea. I too left an abusive marriage and although I initially felt a lot of relief and joy I also went through periods of sorrow and unhappiness. I was up and down and could not have coped with any relationship for quite some time.Few people would want to move in a newly divorced person, whose ex is a friend and can be abusive then start a relationship. In fact I think if he did agree with it it would indicate he didn't view you as a long term prospect. How would the first few months work? Would he "be allowed" to date other people? If so how would you feel about it? Essentially you'd be having ownership of him from the word go. I think you imagine the following scenario. You move in with him, you get to spend loads of time with him, everything goes swimmingly and you live happily ever after. Unfortunately the more likely is one of the following:1) You move in and although he has an attraction to you he doesn't want to act on it as you are too close for comfort and he is friends with your ex. You get upset and do/say something. He ends up rejecting you and you feel humiliated.2) You move in and he thinks "Yeh, great, a woman on tap" You end up having sex with him but he doesn't really want any more and you end up feeling used.All in all you're better off either living alone or with other women. You could still in time develop a relationship with him without the pressures of living together and being newly divorced.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 Bad idea .
Why must the choice be between living 4 hours away and living with this guy ?
Why can't you simply stay where you are , and live alone, or if you cannot afford it, share a place with (female ) roommates ?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 June 2016):
 Seriously bad idea.
Reading between the lines you have been in a relationship for 9 years since you were 16 or younger. That relationship has been abusive for some of that time.
Basic rule of thumb, you should not get involved in any relationship (including the possibly one sided emotional affair you are in now) For at least 9 months, and those 9 months should include therapy (individual counseling).
I honestly think you would be better off 4 hours away in the desert, assuming there is a good counselor there. But if your support is where you are then that makes staying close a good idea. So instead of Shacking up with a guy, look for an apartment where you can live alone, and get used to taking care of your self by your self. That is an important part of overcoming abuse.
FA
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (14 June 2016):
 I agree with everything Aunt Honesty said.
You just got out of marriage that was abusive. And now youre already creating scenarios in your head of a romantic relationship with a new man. It's not healthy. Its not wise. Nor is it mature
Right now you need time to figure your life out. Go find a place with another woman. You need support from the women in your lives and youre still really young. You need to focus on areas of your life that need healing, not another romantic relationship with another man
My advice is focus on YOU for about year, then you can start casually dating and having fun. Its a new beginning, dont rush into anything just yet.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2016):
 At the end of the day what you do is your decision and your business once your marriage is over. But if I am honest with you I think this is a terrible idea, you have a crush on this man, you are not divorced yet and already you are dreaming about living with him. You need to take time out for yourself for a while. Get used to the fact of being on your own outside of the marriage before jumping in to living with another guy. It almost seems like you are scared off living alone and being independent. Again it is your choice but I don't think it would be a wise one.
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