A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Yes, this is incredibly bad timing. I have been in a relationship for 4 years and have known for a long time that something wasn't right. I wasn't ready to admit to myself that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship - until yesterday. My feelings became crystal clear to me during a discussion with a friend about how the relationship was going and how I felt about our future (I think verbalizing all that was wrong was cathartic). I now know that I am ready to end the relationship. Now about the bad timing: it is two days before Christmas and we are scheduled to spend the holidays with his family who live in another state. His family is great and excited that I am coming. I am really torn up about whether or not I should tell him now or wait until afterward. He is a very sensitive guy and I don't want to ruin his Christmas, yet I don't want to hurt him more later when he finds out that I knew the whole time. Advice please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): my ex was a heartless bstrd and dumped me 4 weeks before xmas 2007 it caused me so much pain i hated everyday for weeks especialy xmas i even attempted suicide on xmas day as i was so low,but 12 months on and im going to have the best xmas ever as i also got a great man to share it with whom loves me
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): if i were you i would leave it until after Christmas.
My partner has just broken up with me and it has truely ruined my Christmas. i wish he had of just waited until afterwards.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (23 December 2008):
 You are very welcome. Yes I have been thru this and much more. I hope that something I can say here will be a real blessing to others. It's great news that he isn't physically violent towards you. I think that you will be able to handle this all tactfully and with Grace.
Don't forget to Pray and my best wishes for you and your boyfriend. I hope that it all works out for the greater good.
Don't eat too many Christmas goodies cause that's a problem of a different dimemsion. *LOL*
Blessings,
Blue_Amgel
^(**)^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again, Blue Angel. I can see clearly that you have gone through this yourself, and I appreciate your openness.
To clarify, he has never ever been physical with me or anyone else, and I do not see that as a potential threat.
Happy Holidays to you as well!
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again, Blue Angel. I can see clearly that you have gone through this yourself, and I appreciate your openness.
To clarify, he has never ever been physical with me or anyone else, and I do not see that as a potential threat.
Happy Holidays to you as well!
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (23 December 2008):
If you love him I know how hard it can be to walk away. I can also see how it is to leave if he gets angry and could possibly cause you harm either verbally, mentally or physically. I have been on your back door step many times, on the front door step and even in your house@ It hurts to know that you can seem to help him no matter what you do. A certain amout of fear creeps in. The fact that he is seemingly a good guy makes it hard to walk away because you STILL have hopes.
Everyday you feel like you are walking a thin sheet of ice and at any moment it could fall thru. Afraid to anger him so you will let things go until you are about ready to EXPLODE yourself. Feeling sad and lonely because he won't really let you in and you can't deal with his problems because he won't let you. This makes it even harder to deal with your own and you soon begin to loose your coping mechanism. You can't grasp his feelings entirely though you want to try, you can't fix him, you don't know how. He wan't try to get the help he needs so you are powerless and spinning out of control.
Loving someone shouldn't have to be so hard. Loving someone shouldn't make you feel so helpless and alone but you do! You start to give up. You won't to leave, but you find it hard to. You make every excuse for your feelings and you make every excuse for his attitude and problems. The biggest Problem is that he is really dragging you down and you still CAN'T fix him~! Now you are becomming a nervous wreck, feeling guilty for the things you do or don't do that make things harder on him. It's a neverending spiral going downhill all the way and YOU DON'T HAVE ANY BRAKES! You pull out your last DiTCH EFFORT and you do something again to APPEASE him and make him happy.
You have to be strong hon. If you don't choose the right thing for you, your life when always remain lost. YOU truely can't fix him as sad as that seems. No matter how you try to help him. You have a good heart I can see this. Chances are he does too, but unitl HE DECIDES To get help and tries to get himself in a better state things will only get worse over time.
I would suggest telling him how you feel open and honest. By now I am sure you know how to be a bit tactful so you don't upset him as much. Let him know that unless he gets help you can't stay any longer.If he is a violent type person where he might hit you or cause you other serious harm, write him a letter too. Go to a safe place and stay for a few days. Send the letter with out an address if you need to. Let him know that you LOVE him dearly but you can't Cope with this anymore. If you want to be with him tell him so but you should set the pace for want you expect and make sure you stand on it. If you are fearful PLEASE exercise the utmost caution.
My best to you and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Don't forget that God works in mysterious ways....
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat a lovely response! Thank you very much for taking the time to answer my question. I really like that idea of keeping all things gracious.
The reasons I have for ending the relationship are based on his anger and victim issues. I find myself completely drained and sick every day trying to guess if something I am going to say or do will make him upset. His victim issues keep me second guessing everything I do and think even though I can clearly see his point of view is as consummate victim (ad nauseam).
I have had a difficult time coming to this conclusion because: 1) he is a genuinely good human being; 2) when times are good, they are very good; 3) we have a lot in common.
I have been upfront with him about his anger issues since the first big argument (3 and half years ago). He has said that he knows he needs to change this attribute, but 3 and a half years later he has not acted on this senitment (though I have continued to gently remind him everytime he falls into that pattern - so, about once a week on good weeks). Most of the time he feels that I am at fault for his being angry. In fact, he was reprimanded at work for his anger issues and order to receive anger management, and he decided that it was the other employees trying to get him fired. That was over 8 months ago and he has yet to attend anger management therapy.
I love him, but I feel this relationship is unhealthy.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (23 December 2008):
It's going to hurt either way hon. Personally I believe it is best to wait until after the holidays because you will be likely to ruin his entire holiday if you do it before.
I know it might seem like you are leading him on by going on the trip and meeting his family but it's a GRACIOUS way of ending the relationship.
I would suggest writing a short letter to his family after the event, thanking them for the nice time you hopefully will have. Let them know of your inentions and say that you really didn't want to hurt him and you hope they will understand. You really didn't want to do this all before Christmas and ruin it for everyone. Make it short and simple.
After all of the holidays are through break it to him gently, letting him know the same. Express your care and concern but be honest in your feelings. Don't rush things but again don't for too long, you could wind up hurting him more. Be sure of yourself before you tell him that you want to leave the realtionship.
I have to say that 4 years is a long time to throw away. Please think it through before you act upon your feelings. Who knows the Christmas season just might bring you a new outlook on things. SANTA might be ready to deliver you something that you never expected!
And GOD is in the MIDST! With HIS HELP all things are possible. Give much thought before you let this guy go, you stayed this long so there had to be a good reason. Figure it all out and if you must go, leave him with GRACE.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
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