A
female
age
30-35,
*inkbunni3xz
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and lately we've been having more conflicts than usual. We've been spending a lot of time together these past months and seeing each other almost every day unless we each other have plans. He's usually pretty good about spending time with me unless he has plans to go sports or to hang out with his friends which is couple times a week.He's recently got a promotion at work which requires a lot more time from him. I've been feeling pretty emotionally dependent on him and always looking to him for comfort and security. Lately fights are been happening a lot more and I'm debating whether or not we should take a break. I would want a break because I feel like I'm starting to loose myself and I'm always waiting affirmation from him. With him, I've noticed him very impatient with me every time I want to bring up something to talk about between us. He looses his cool immediately and shuts me up with his frustration. I was pissed today and he said "If you're going to keep being like this we don't have to see each other on Sundays anymore". That hurt my feelings a lot because we were already apart and I left his house to give him space.I guess I've been holding resentment and getting affected more easier because I feel problems are never really resolved because he's never 100% paying attention to what I've said. I'm wondering if a break will help us or break us. I don't normally believe in breaks because I feel like if a couple is going to live together and get married one day, they need to be able to talk things out and work through problems without resentment. My other solution would just try to spend less time together on a weekly basis just to give each other more space.
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 days* not weeks, silly me!
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (14 April 2014):
I think like you said you need to attempt to to talk this out first. I think you should both sit down with eachother and tell eachother what you feel is wrong, if it breaks out into an argument then just walk away from it. Taking a break won't help unless you attempt to talk things out with him, otherwise they will go back to being the same thing day in and day out. Make sure you tell him you don't want an argument and then just talk to him about how you feel and how he makes you feel, let him tell you his side too and then see if there is a way to sort out the problems you both have with each other. If he doesn't want to coorperate or listen then I think a break is nesscariy, but even with that, it could still mean things will go back to being the same but then again it could just be the built up irrtation from seeing eachother to often. I think four to three times a week is enough when you are seeing someone or it just gets rid of the excitement you have when you haven't seen someone in a while. If your seeing him every week, thats just too much, so if that is the case, cut down the amount of times that you are seeing him. Also doing more fun things together can help, you should go out for a drink or a meal, or get some of yours and his friends together and go for a night out x Good luck.
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A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 A break or break-up will never fix things. So if you are serious about him and your relationship... please do not consider this.You mentioned that he recently received a promotion and needs to spend more time at work. As his GF, I would advise you to be more supportive. He may be taking on new responsibilities and a new role that he is working hard to adjust to.. hence the short temper and less time for you. Allow him more space and be more patient with him. If he needs to chill with his buddies, allow him that time. If you miss him, write/make him little encouragement cards to let him know how much you love him and support him. I'm sure he will appreciate it. If there is an issue you want to bring to his attention, maybe write him a letter/email or give him a chance to settle into his new position before bringing it up. Sometimes it's about action vs reaction. If you sense that he's already short tempered and frustrated, it's not a good idea to face him head to head.Try a little understand and patience... a break or break-up is definitely not the way to go. Best of Luck!
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (14 April 2014):
 If you're just going to continue doing the same things after the break that you were doing before then, no, a break won't help. In fact it will create more problems because it confuses expectations and blurs the lines. You're together but not together...you're single but you can't date anyone...or can you?
By your own admission you're together almost every day and you choose to spend a great deal of that time being validated and talking about your feelings and the relationship. I can't say I blame your boyfriend for not listening. He's heard it all countless times before and he doesn't see you doing anything to fix your end of the problem.
Instead of a girlfriend he can be proud of and be happy with, he's got a psychic vampire slowly sucking the life out of him. He's bored, fed up and he's getting ready to leave. You have nothing new to talk about because you're not doing anything new.
OP, you have got to be a whole person. You have got to have a life beyond your boyfriend. You need friends, goals, hobbies, other interests. You need to learn to enjoy your own company and to rely on yourself for validation and affirmation.
Remember how you were when you first met him? How you put your best foot forward because you wanted to make a good impression? You have to do that and keep doing it for the rest of your life. If you want to hold someone's interest then you have to keep being interesting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): Careful about using the "break" option; because most guys consider that a "breakup," and they will move on completely.
You admit that you are dependent, he spent almost every single day with you; until he got a promotion at his job.
You seem very immature about handling the fact that he has responsibilities he must fulfill. That means it requires more of his time. You only "allow" him a little time away to be with friends and do other things. Not the usual amount of time most people need who aren't married.
You are too demanding of his time. So, if you don't get your way, you will punish him by threatening a "break."
Or throwing a tantrum like a spoiled little girl.
Taking a break is a precursor to a full-fledged breakup.
So if you take that route; be prepared that he'll enjoy the peace and just won't bother to comeback.
You have to behave as a woman. Learn to be more independent and not require him to fill all your time. Stop awaiting "affirmations from him." You don't look to other people for comfort and security. You'll smother him to death, and he'll get tired of being around you. In fact, he'll find every excuse he can, just to get away from you to breathe! The tighter you hold on, the harder he will struggle to break free. That's why you fight!
When you need someone for comfort and security, that is a dependency-issue that you really have to work on.
When you were a baby, you used to cry to be picked-up.
If left up to you, you would be in your mother's arms constantly. She had to ignore you, and let you cry in order for you to sense your own independence; and not always seek shelter and comfort in her arms. You had to feel secure alone. Sometimes you literally had to cry yourself to sleep. That is how we learn not to be over-dependent on others; even in infancy.
Well, you are now reliving that moment in development. Not always being coddled for security. You must get used to it, or you will always be emotionally at the mercy of other people to make you feel safe. You will lose your ability to think as an individual; sense your own strength, and rely far too much on functioning as a "couple." You'll feel like dead-weight. A ball and chain.
Over-dependent women find themselves often going from one relationship to next. Serial-relationships that quickly end. Men like this, usually frighten women; and they find it difficult to have long-term relationships. The women break free. These guys often exhibit stalker-behavior.
Women do too.
Men will start to breakup with you, time and time again.
They will get tired of coddling you, and your clinging.
It will not be as difficult at you might think. Just don't respond to your inner-urges to panic when he's out of sight and out of reach. Keep your mind and body busy. Entertain yourself and have some fun; just being your own best friend.
Hangout with your friends, get a part-time job, and get him off your mind. If he is on your mind 24/7, you have a serious problem to work on.
You may require professional therapy; if you have anxiety attacks when left alone.
He will not be able to deal with that, and it is 99.99% the reason you fight.
I hope you chose to let up and deal with the dependency issue. Just be mature and learn to become a strong and
independent woman.
It would make life so much easier on you and your boyfriend. Needy-people drain the life and spirit out of you. You don't want to be that kind of person.
I do not recommend taking a break; just lighten up with the clingy insecurity. You'll notice things will settle-down once you relax your grip.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): Female anon is right, OP, you sound very needy, demanding and like you're smothering him.
You're with each other every day, you need to talk about "us" so often that it's causing fights, you demand more time and attention from him even though you do see each other every day, you resent the fact work is taking some of his time and you got very upset that he said he might not see you Sundays.
With all due respect, get a life. Figuratively and literally, OP, you need a life outside of this relationship.
Can you not see how much of a nightmare it would be to see a woman every day who just wants to discuss serious shit and problems that really shouldn't exist?
Your other solution is correct, but it's not going to solve the problem, OP, because all that will happen is you'll sit at home messaging him all day instead and not have a life.
OP you've actually reached a stage here where your "need" to talk about "problems" is the biggest problem. You say he doesn't listen 100% my feeling is because you say the same shit every time you talk and not only that but you only feel he's not listening because he disagrees with you.
OP you've made this guy too much of your everything, your entire social life revolves around him and you do nothing else. of course it's going to piss you off and worry you that he has less time to give you because you have nothing else.
Start living outside the relationship, start hanging out with friends more and going to gigs, or clubs, and doing lots of interesting stuff without him. That way you'll have something other than demands that he 100% listen to you because you'll have interesting shit to talk about not just the same old lets talk about our problems.
Take a couple of days off this week to go get pampered with your friends or head to the cinema with them. Start having days off every week to do something else or nothing at all.
OP you're giving him no time to miss you at the moment, you're always in his face and you sound very demanding too.
Having a life outside of the relationship will make you a lot less worried and a hell of a lot more interesting because you'll have stories to tell, not just serious ass discussions all the time that lead to fights.
Breaks don't work, OP, and certainly not in this situation. He'll either realise that freedom from you is so amazing he can't go back or he'll miss you and forget how bad it actually is between you only to go back and realise it didn't fix anything.
You need to become you're own woman again, you need to have life worth sharing, not a life dedicated solely to him.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 April 2014):
 I'd recommend a "time out" from one anotrher for at least 2 weeks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2014): you are quite right in your thinking. Breaks don't fix things. They delay the inevitable be it a make-up or a break up.
My advice is to start finding yourself again within the relationship. Have interests and activities that occupy your time and energy apart from him. it is stifling to be the only source of interest for another person, I don't blame your boyfriend for feeling suffocated. Hang out with your own friends and have your own hobbies.
Even when a couple lives together they still have their different jobs etc and their hobbies. So dont try to spend as every waking moment doing the same activity with him. Not even marriage is that needy.
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