A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm looking for some advice about my partner. I've been with my partner for 4 years now and we don't live together but do see each other 3 times a week, either he stays at mine or i stay at his. The problem is that I have always known he looks at porn, which I didn't think was such a big deal as such. However he recently said that the porn he likes is 'violent' but he says 'I don't watch the films or look at the pictures I just read the stories'. I was upset when he said this - we were joking about porn and it just sort of slipped out .. then he said I was overreacting and he said to me 'you are acting like i'm some sort of paedophile'. The other thing is that he told me he once had a brief affair with a woman who was the victim of domestic violence and she had contacted the police - my partner is a police officer! I was a bit shocked that he had slept with a woman whom he had met through her reporting domestic violence but this was over ten years ago he says. These two pieces of information shocked and upset me, about the violent porn and this woman. re the porn am I overreacting and about the woman, I feel as though I have lost respect for him (he has been loving and generous to me but can also be verbally abusive at times and his ex wife divorced him and said that he had undermined her in many ways and I know this because I saw the divorce petition but he denied that and said her lawyers were just telling her to write that stuff). Am I overracting about this stuff? I would really value any advice that anyone has to offer. Thanks.
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affair, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, porn, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (16 January 2010):
 well here is the thing.
liking violent sex aka pulling hair and spanking a woman while doing incredibly rough anal is not synonymous with an abuser. I do that all the time, consensually.
What you should worry about is him verbally abusing you. If he has a past history, and he is telling you you are worthless etc.? leave him for that reason.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 December 2009):
 Read "Forbidden Flowers" and "My Secret Garden" by Nancy Friday. Violent sexual fantasies are very common, and they are not always about hate or causing people pain, but are often about control issues. It is good that he only reads stories, visual images of sexual violence is a whole other ball game. He reads these stories, but is he the man who controls women, or dose he picture himself as a woman being helpless and dependant on someone else. Fantasies are a very funny thing, and that's why they are fantasy and not reality. In Nancy Friday's book, rape victims enjoy thinking about rape, feminist enjoy being in control, meek housewives suddenly become the agressive attacker. What people imagine and find a turn on is as extensive as the air we breathe.
If he has committed no violence in real life, and just enjoys reading some stories, then it's no worse than women who read romance books, "bodice rippers", where they attacked by pirates or vikings and make to submit. Many women read romantic sexy fiction, where they dream about marrying a prince or millionaire, even though they've been happily married for a lifetime or more. Dose this make them bad, do people who dream of being spanked be classed as abnormal and suicidal. It's fantasy, and in fantasy we should be able to imagine what we like, as long as it stays only in fantasy.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (2 December 2009):
 Hmm this is a hard question to answer in all honesty as I have read your question and porn can ALWAYS been something that causes rifts in a relationship, I should know it was very much involved in my long term relationship.
Porn has evolved it seems from being in magazines and men going into little shops and coming out with magazines in little brown paper bags and maybe the bags and raincoats have disappeared but now it is so easily available on the internet it seems as though anyone can get to any kind of porn these days.
I think the violence angle is something that wouldn't totally sit well with me as it seems as though this is something he is openly admitting he is drawn to. Where does he read about this kind of porn btw? Is it on the internet or anything that he accesses through work etc?
You also say he dated someone who had been the victim of domestic violence? Was this a case he worked on or was it soemthing he got involved with afterwards, as they normally say this is a conflict and could compromise any sort of investigation with the victim and police being involved?
I know it happened a long time ago but why did it end? Did he ever tell you about that.
It really does depend on whether the violence is aimed at adult females or children? The Paedophile referral leads me to believe it is against people under the age of 16 - am I right or wrong on that part?
Whether his ex wife divorced him or not is neither here nor there in my opinion but the way in which he talks to you and the reason he gives for being verbally abusive is something that I would be concerned about.
I think it is a good thing that you don't live together as I do think your independence is important in this relationship.
I would have all sorts of alarm bells ringing in my ears but that is just me. OK he was being honest as you were laughing about porn but I would watch out for the abusive outbursts, no one has to tolerate with those.
Consider how much YOU are actually getting out of this relationship and whether you consider this going anywhere, you have already said that you don't have the same level of respect for him that you used to since the revelations have started to come out.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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