A
female
age
36-40,
*cogirl
writes:So this is kind of a long story...My boyfriend and I have had a pretty great relationship, up until about a week ago. We met last April. He told me he had broken up with his last girlfriend almost a year ago. She did cause some issues because she had been evicted from her apartment and he and his parents were letting her stay at s house his parents own where they used to live together. She was only supposed to be there for about 2 weeks, but it ended up being 3 months. She ended up trashing the house, not cleaning up after he two dogs and stealing some of his stuff from the house when she finally left. Besides this though, our relationship was amazing. The only problem with this situation was that he let her act this way without confronting her, which made me mad. A few months ago, he told me he wanted to marry me in the future and started talking about when he would want to propose. This freaked me out at first. Before this relationship, I had been hurt several times and was single for about two years because I was so scared of getting hurt again. Eventually, I started to like the idea of starting a life together. Soon after, he had to move about an hour and a half away to start his new job. I am currently still in grad school, but graduate this spring and have begun looking for jobs near him.Well, his ex wanted to be friendly again about a week ago and we fought about it because I was mad that he still wasn't mad. The next day he admitted that this whole time he had lied about how long his ex and him had been broken up. Really, it had only been a month, not a year like he had said. Her and his behavior and her reason for being in his family's house made a lot more sense. His relationship for this ex, he was with her for 7 years and went straight into a relationship with his last ex after about a month. I said that worried me some and I was upset that he lied to me, but ultimately forgave him.Well now, he is debating whether he should be with anyone at all because he has personal issues he needs to work out. He was a Navy child and moved around a lot growing up, so he says he thinks he has problems viewing his partner as not temporary after a while. He feels like he gets nonchalant after a while because of this. He also becomes emotionally distant as a result of his childhood. He is trying to figure out if he can work through this while still being with me or if he needs to be alone. The third option is that he realizes that is just how he is and I will just have to deal with it and try to pull him out of it when he gets that way. This is a pretty deep-seeded issue and I feel like it will be hard for him to just get over.This insecurity in our relationship has really been taking a toll on my life as well. I am stressed and worried all the time and am having a hard time concentrating on my school work. I am trying to be supportive, but it's hard because it might end up ending our relationship. I have been crying all the time. It's just, I believed all these things about him wanting to start a life with me and let myself get invested and all of a sudden he is doing a 180. I don't know what to do because I love him so much and just want things to go back to the way they were. Everything was pretty much perfect. I just want us both to be happy together.What can I do?
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female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 i agree with lauren. He is making excuses for his choices in his life. We walk the paths our life has instore for us. Not our past or our childhood it only defines us. At any point he could change if he wanted to. I think you should focus on your studies and your own life, spend more time with friends see how you feel, do you want to put up with this crap from him on a long term basis. him using his past for present mistakes. I think your a strong wonderful person who deserves happyness! dont let him drag you down. good luck xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): I don't think he was any where near ready to be in such a serious relationship, but it isn't your fault because he was the one who lied and suggested marriage and that in the first place!As tricky as this is and it is easier said than done, I think you need to tell him to sort his own issues with commitment out and deciding what he needs to do as a single man. You in particular do not need this stress in your life when you are so close to graduating. Breaking up would be hard but with good friends around you and your studies to think of it just seems the most sensible option. You could ask him to think about what he genuinely wants from life, you don't need to be putting up with his baggage and tolerating it he has lead you along and then done a total u-turn and you can't spend the rest of your life living like that.As difficult as it is focus on your studies as that is your priority, you or no one else can fix this guy he has to take the steps himself to get the help he needs. Occassionay you do find that people who as a child lived life with military parents find it hard to settle as an adult whether they can't settle in a place or with partners etc... it's just one of those things. Counselling might be his best option. If you can't bear to call it a day with him then at least ask him to not distract you from your final studies and that you will be there to support him but only if he tries to see someone and work through what he wants in life and if it isn't you then ask him to be honest and tell you so you can move on. This is just how I would feel if I were in your shoes and totally understand my ideas might not be right for you but I hope I've been of some help x
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