A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidMe and my bf of three years had a bad fight tonight and he is not talking to me, i stay in his house. He is terribly druck after fight , fell in the bathroom, refused to take my help asked me to get out. I did leave him there, didn't know what else to do. I'm scared for him and for us. It looks like this might be the end of us, i really do like him but I said few things he didn't like . He is terribly upset about it.I am planning to crash on my friends place tomorrow night to give him.some space. Pls help me how to make this relationship work. I was terribly sorry for what I said, but I don't think he wants to listen it.Pls help
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2018): You're in your 30's, and I assume he's in your same age-group. I think he has a problem; and public drunkenness will either get him arrested, or he will lose his job.
You can talk, but talk is cheap. He's a mess, with a drinking problem. He's too old to be so irresponsible with his drinking; and when he starts becoming abusive, a line has now been crossed. Insist he gets professional counseling. It doesn't sound like just one bad night. He just went over the edge.
Set a time-table and give him an ultimatum. If he tells you go screw yourself, dump him. When drugs and alcohol become the problem in a relationship, it calls for drastic measures. Talking isn't enough. It demands serious action, and the drinking problem has to be resolved. You don't dance around the problem or get sentimental.
Alcoholism is a life-threatening problem for everyone involved. Falling-down drunk is a drinking problem. You have to accept that fact, even if he doesn't.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 November 2018):
 This is a couple of days later, and I hope things have been able to be talked out.
You wrote in the night of the fight, while your boyfriend was still wasted and stumbling drunk. It was probably the best thing to stop talking that night and sleep it off.
Hopefully you waited until both of you were sober and talked out the fight rationally, which neither of you were unable to do while the drink was in control.
I need to say - does this happen often? The stumbling drunk thing?? You have been together for 3 years. Sometimes stuff like this happens due to relationship stagnation.
Many people disagree with me, but I believe in the progression and growth of relationships. Sure, there are FWB's, flings, summer romance, crushes, and the like, but I see a natural result of a loving and successful relationship to be marriage or a similar life commitment (like a civil partnership for same sex couples who live where gay marriage is not yet legal).
Too many people mistake domesticity for commitment, where they move in together, start paying some bills together, and have children before they marry, and it's always one of the partners who is able to invest their finances while the other spends theirs on the upkeep of the house and family, realizing that there's no commitment, and when a relationship ends, they are left holding the bag because they made financial or career sacrifices that the other partner didn't. (usually the man doesn't). Yes, divorces happen, but that's when the law steps up and equalizes the investment with child and spousal support or life insurance and such.
So instead of commitment, there's domesticity. You're playing house, and the relationship, stunted in its progression after a few years, falls into a rut and starts rotting from the inside. I see that in people together for 3, 5, 10, 15+ years without marrying. Being married doesn't mean the huge, expensive dress and rigmarole.
You two should have a long talk about your future and where you want to go. It's time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2018): How often does he get drunk? He may be an alcoholic. If so, my advice to you is to give him his space forever. Run.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2018):
 If he is in his 30's like you and can go out without getting THIS drunk, then he has issues with alcohol and that isn't likely to change - whether you give him space or not.
ONLY he can make that choice to seek help and get totally sober.
How do you really see this relationship moving on? You have JUST seen him at a LOW LOW point, and at this low point he wants nothing to do with you. What is there to fix?
You two might have had a fight, said some nasty words, but HE CHOSE to drink himself silly, fall in the bathroom and act like you mean nothing to him.
Give him space is fine, but the thing with relationships is to MAKE them work you BOTH have to be willing to put in some effort, to put in the work, to talk, compromise and respect each other. Is that even happening here?
Take the time away from him to figure out if there is something to salvage here or not. Ans remember you CAN NOT fix a relationship all on your own or have a relationship that is one-sided. It just doesn't work.
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