A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:In my current state I feel lonely, depressed and unable to get over recent rejection with the *only* person I've had feelings for so far.To give more insight, I'm 15 years old and far from being attractive. In fact, I've not been favoured once by someone before. I've essentially become an 'eww, I'd never go out with him' idol. I've been good friends with a girl for a couple of years now. She's probably my closest friend and, more recently, I begun to develop feelings for her.Although I might seem young, I've been searching for a partner for a while now, looking for anything in a person that attracts me. Nobody else harbours anything that draws me in besides her. No one ever has. And given that I'm unattractive as it is, it would be a miracle if anybody would feel the same anyway.So I'm now really feeling for this girl. In the beginning, it seemed obvious that she was into me. Everybody I know was certain. But I was always weary that she wasn't, which at times made me doubt trying with her at all. I tried my best to power on. Eventually, after a long period of building confidence, I decided to tell her. Unsurprisingly, I was rejected straight away.A long while later, and it still hurts. More than it should. I can't stop thinking about the whole mess. She told me that I just didn't start a 'spark' in her. Nothing more, nothing less. I told her that it's fine if she just wanted to stay friends (again, we're very close). No means no. I know that. I accept it. Yet, despite that, I'm still unable to move on. I've asked for advice, they all tell me 'move on'. I can't. The hellish thing about it is that I dont know why.Perhaps it's because part of me is torn. I can't help but think that, maybe, one day in the future she will feel different about me. I desperately want to accept that. I would still give anything to be with her. Ridicule me for being 'only 15', but I love her. I want only for her to be happy, and I want to think that someday she would be happy for us to be together, even despite being rejected once. On the contrary, no means no. Other people, and part of me, believes that this is an impossible outcome. But I'm torn, and I feel that I'll only be able to move on when I know for sure that it will never happen.Because of all this, I'm lonely, depressed and the only thing I think about is the great faliure I've made of myself.Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you to anyone who answers in advance.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2018): Hey, I know how bad rejection feels. It feels like crap!
This is a little lesson in real-life. You don't always get the girl you want. So grow-up, and learn to deal with it!
I will not take you too seriously about the "unattractive" part; because you're in the awkward-stage of growth and development, just after puberty. Your arms and legs look too long for your body, you have a face still kind of boyish, a squeaky-voice, and some baby-fat; but you're still changing.
News flash! Most people have the "ew-factor" when struggling through that stage of development. We can't see you, so you may be the typical teen who is way too hard on himself.
Other mean-ass teenagers don't help; and really need to go look in a mirror themselves. They have dark souls and babyish-brains; regardless of how they look on the outside.
You feel worthless because she said no. Even though it hurts that she said no; it doesn't change your feelings. It just makes you feel awful and embarrassed. I know how that feels too. You also feel bad, because of all the people you know; she is the only one you can trust. That's why you developed feelings for her. It's easier to feel for people you can easily get close to.
You're below the average-age kids should date; which is usually 16 or 17. Younger-ones like you don't handle rejection very well; or can't take being teased. Their schoolwork suffers for it; and it takes them too long to come-around after heartbreak. You can't help how you feel though! You do have to avoid feeling too entitled; and thinking you have to have something, when it's not yours to have.
If you like girls, you'll have to understand things about them; before piling all your feelings on top of them.
You'll get over your hurt feelings. It takes a little while. Trying to remain friends after rejection; is like being stung by a bee, and going back to stick your hand in the beehive. You're likely to be stung again.
Take a little break away from her; to give your feelings a chance to straighten-out. Trying to make her be regular friends after she said no about being more, is hard on both of you.
BTW, in your age-group, anybody can be "ew-ish!" Because girls your age think they're "looks-experts," and know what cute is. They can only compare it to what they see on TV, some sappy recording artist, or an actor; but anything or everybody is gross! Or, they wouldn't date them. So please don't put yourself down because of this. They're just being girls; but for you to believe it is unhealthy.
Give yourself some time, buddy! Someday you'll be the one breaking hearts! Don't do it intentionally; but the day will come when you'll have to say no yourself.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 October 2018):
 We’ve all been there believe me, I’m almost certain that everyone will feel this heart ache at least once in their life where your ‘love’ for someone else in unreciprocated.
I’ve been there twice and it hurts, but it’s honestly not the end of the world. It seems like it is at the time for sure but I can assure you it’s not. Okay so you’ve let your feelings be known and this girl doesn’t feel the same. You’ve told her that you’d still like to be friends. Let’s be honest here, you wouldn’t like that as it would be torture for you, hanging around daily with someone that you like and they see you as a friend really isn’t a good idea. Your feelings will never subside and eventually the friendship will fade anyway when she sees that you can’t drop your feelings.
You need to distance yourself from her. It’s not what you want to hear but it’s what needs to happen. You need time to work through the rejection and to take it all in. We all face it at some point in our life, we can’t have everyone that we want and you need to face it. You can’t just roll up in a ball and stick your bottom lip out feeling sorry for yourself, you need to accept it and own the situation. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and should never be expected to. Take the rejection like a man and move past it, the way I saw them in life was as as a confidence booster if anything, that I had the balls to ask out someone that I liked, although I didn’t get the answer I wanted I stepped out of my comfort zone. The more times that you face it the more you get used to it and the less it phases you, thus building your confidence to ask girls out in the first place.
Believe me, there are billions of girls on this planet, each and every one of them are replaceable as harsh as it sounds, don’t get too tied up on each one. Just accept that she’s not interested and move on, don’t hold any pity parties as it really won’t do you any favours.
Get your chin up, be proud that you made the leap and prepare for many more, you’re a very young man and have plenty of years ahead of you, good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 October 2018):
 OP, none of us has a crystal ball and can see the future.
Tying all your hopes and dreams of a relationship up in a girl who has already rejected you, will NOT change the outcome.
I get that you REALLY like her, and that she likes you (as a friend) but pretending to be friends (which you are, pretending that is) is NOT going to help you move forward. It is a CONSTANT reminder that here is the ONE girl you would WANT to date, who rejected you. It's the equivalent of peeling the scab off so you can keep pouring salt in the wound. Not a good way to heal a hurt.
Another thing with being 15 (trust me, we adults have ALL been there!) is the highs and lows of emotions. It's either "flying high" or "depths of despair". It comes with all the added hormones and a brain still developing, social skills being fine tuned, "new" discoveries. So when you say you LOVE her, and more "mature folks" say it's infatuation, they most likely speak from actual experience of both LOVE and INFATUATION. However, that doesn't mean your feeling doesn't matter or aren't a bit overwhelming for you. But the thing is, YOU loving HER doesn't mean SHE will automatically LOVE you back. Ever.
And it doesn't mean YOU are a failure. Or un-lovable. Just that this ONE girl isn't the ONE for you. LOVE goes both ways. It builds over time.
You did something pretty brave by telling her how you felt. It didn't go as planned, but that doesn't make it any less brave. And another thing, IF you have the ability to find ONE girl who lives up to your "ideal" (for lack of a better word) then IN TIME you CAN find another. She didn't make fun of you and your feelings, she didn't run a mile, she seems like a decent girl. EVEN if she doesn't FEEL the same as you. And she won't be the ONLY girl to reject you in life. In time YOU might be the one rejecting a girl or two as well. REJECTION doesn't FEEL good, but it IS part of the human experience. I don't think I have EVER met anyone who hasn't been rejected by someone they fancy, a job, a house they wanted to buy, a loan, or any other mundane things.
We don't always "get" what we want and life isn't fair. THAT is reality. So what to do about it? ACCEPT it and keep going. Find the silver lining in life. One of yours is that you have EXCELLENT taste in girls. A skill that might help you when you DO find someone who likes you back.
Being "far from attractive" is YOUR view of yourself. Maybe not the World's. And for many (especially boys) the teen years are an awkward phase, physically and mentally.
One of my middle daughter's good friends was a short guy in 6th grade, then shot up tall and almost gangly guy at 15 when they entered high-school. After 2 years of Lacrosse and football he looks nothing like the guy who was short then tall and awkward. He is still the same guy, same sweet personality, less shy and more confident. Confidence takes work. And he does put in the work. And guess what? HE got rejected by the girl he asked to Winter formal. (not that he was trying to date her but he asked her out to a dance first).
So yes, EVERYONE meets rejections in life. You are going to HAVE to learn to roll with the "punches". Get back up and keep going.
This was ONE girl, ONE time. LIFE goes on. You will meet MANY more girls, think about it, HALF the World's populations is female.
You have to accept that SHE isn't into you the same way, you are into her. And that happens. Then you have to DECIDE does being "friends" HURT you or HELP you move on. Because being friends with her WILL NOT CHANGE how she feels in time.
And you also have to decide ARE you really being a friend to her? If you are hoping she will change her mind the more time she spends with you? Which means YOU have a romantic ulterior motive to be around her. THAT isn't friendship. Can you really handle HER wanting to date someone else and then having to be her friend having to hear her gush all about this guy?
Keep working on your confidence. Have hobbies you enjoy, make friends and have a healthy social circle. Be good at talking to girls even if you ARE NOT interested (and I'm not saying flirt with them but CONVERSE, something your generation is sorely lacking). Be positive about life, find things you enjoy. YOUR happiness is YOUR job, your task. While you CAN share it with others, one or more and share in theirs, it IS your responsibility to find YOUR "brand" of happiness.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2018): Dear 15 year old welcome to the human world.It is all totally normal.You can't accept it because you have a decision making problem and this is when you learn to deal with it.Firstly unless you are in a life and death situation, no decision is fatal and final.Your life lies ahead of you but you torment yourself with the feeling that you didn't do things correctly.You don't control the universe but you can learn to control how you react to things.The girl gave you a very clear answer.Its a 'no!'But you have reworked that answer to mean that further down the line she may show an interest and become your beloved wife.That is not even in the script.It could be if it was a movie and if you were the director you could have a happy violin, tearfully joyous romantic relationship to the sound of wedding bells.Except it is real life and you are miserably rejecting yourself again and again.O.K. what else do you enjoy apart from day dreaming about happy endings?Somewhere there is a girl whose confidence is low who would love to be asked to the movies, even just as friends.Look out for her.She will not be looking the best of the best but maybe a quiet girl who would like more friends so get to know this quiet girl and at least share a pizza.Dont look at it as a prelude to sex or marriage.You are too young to take yourself so seriously so just try to make a few friends and meanwhile get interested in anything else such as studying or learning a skill or anything that doesn't depend on the approval of your side chick.Also remember you will change vastly between 15yrs and 17 yrs and 21 years and ask yourself why you ever imagined you would find a bride at your young age.I mean what are you able to offer?Have you got a house for her and a car?Do you do your own laundry and cook your own foods?These are two essentials for lads of your age because you need to be able to look after yourself before you talk marriage.Have you got a bank account stashed with cash?You may be very capable but at fifteen it is totally unrealistic to hold onto the idea that a teenage friend of yours could be your future wife.She is a teenage friend.She doesn't want to be exclusively your friend so when you feel ready you can ask someone else out to the cinema etc.Your friend will feel happier if you do this more than if you clung to the idea that you could perservere and cling to her.You can do it if you let go of her a bit more.She is a person, not a person on a piece of elastic that you can ping back to fulfil your fantasies.Allow yourself to make more friends with other people.And accept her answer that no means no and stop pining and thinking 'if only!'So many of us have done this and realised later that we closed doors on ourselves.If you need to carry on pining consider it part of your personality and enjoy it.Please write a pining diary about how dreadful it is every time you see this girl and she says 'hi' and blanks you.Loads of people will remember what its like to be fifteen with a first rejection because it happens to you and loads of others too.It can be the diary of being a perfectly normal pining teenager.But don't forget to include the bits where good things happen and another girl seems interested in your company enough to go to the movies.Dont forget to notice the shy girls who aren't pushy.You may find that they have quite a lot to say when given the opportunity.Avoid the divas who will toy with you unless you want a chapter called 'Boy meets diva who dates for a week and breaks his heart again!'Dont look for a future wife.Dont look for a soon-to-be sexual partner because you are too young to be considering making babies.Dont feel you have to kiss any girl on the lips after a first, second or third date.Do expect the girl to pay for the cinema or you will get used as an easy evening out.But be gracious and buy the icecream or popcorn for you both.Dont look at a girl and think 'I want her to have my babies!' because you are both too young and not ready to look after a new life.Slow down and avoid romantic movies unless they are laced with comedy.Do practice computer games when you need to unwind and stop stressing but try not to get addicted as you may have a personality that gets rapidly addicted to anything.Try to avoid all the other pitfalls of your age group and still communicate with your parents if you have any as they maybe old and outdated in your opinion but they not dead yet and still have much to offer.Have you thought of aiming to go to university or a college of further education?If you have a dad who has £30 he could spare, then ask him to take you to a go-karting track.It could be a good bonding experience and will get your adrenaline flowing and you can imagine you are Lewis Hamilton winning yet another Grand Prix.If you are not from a monied family then realise that monied people have a wealth of opportunities to boast about.Trips abroad etc but do not make the mistake of seeking company from internet chat rooms as they are not good for you due to the high number of perverts who pretend to be youngsters to lure real youngsters out of their life.Look up C.E.O.P. if you are in the U.K. and if you are good at technology consider it a possible career choice for when you are older.Your broken heart will mend and you can make your pathways in life over the course of the next ten years!So I hope that gives you something to get started on.Or if you are the practical kind get hold of an old car engine and strip it down piece by piece and oil every part and put it back where it was before you forget where it goes.Its very relaxing and teaches you a lot of skill in mechanics.Or get a drum kit (starter) and learn to play drums or a keyboard and get started on that.And finally read the news a little bit each day because it teaches you to think beyond your own life.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (31 October 2018):
 OP, it hasn’t been long. You’re 15, so you haven’t had time to be “looking for a while now”.
It’s okay to be hurt and disappointed, but you need to accept that it will fade over time.
Go out with other friends. Spend time with family. Distract yourself. Play games. Read books.
It’s your first proper crush and heartbreak, but you will move on. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN and you can’t hold on to hope for years. She likes you as a friend, but not as a boyfriend. You need friends, right now, not a girlfriend. You’re obsessing and it’s common at your age, but not helpful for yourself.
You’ll also need to stop being so close with her or you won’t be able to move on. You can still be polite and friendly, but talk to her like you’d talk to your guy friends or a sister, not a girl you have a crush on. This is an infatuation, not love - trust us because we’ve all been there!
Please see the school counsellor or speak to someone at the Mind charity who can help you. It’s okay to be upset, but you also need to be realistic.
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