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female
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anonymous
writes: my boyfriends little girl died 2weeks ago when i was up north with him! but it happened at his ex's! the funeral took 2 weeks to happen it happened a couple of days ago and since he went home and he has spent alot of time with his ex!! and the night of the funeral he stopped at her house. he was then avoiding me and she rang me sayin their back to together and tryin for another baby, but he denies all this to me?? he is now saying he doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to see us both! his family hate her and i get on great with them! i carnt loose him, it will kill me, wat do i do??
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (18 May 2006):
 My dear I am so sorry to hear about this, Dr Pete seems to be taking the words out of my mouth, I totally agree with all he has said amongst the other responses too. Just go along with what your boyfriend wants, if he says he cant see either of you dont question him, just accept it. Grief is a terrible thing, you dont think straight, you get moody and irritated and agitated and you act out of character. Tell your boyfriend as the other agony aunts/uncles have said that you are going to be there for him, tell him that you are ok withhim spending time with the ex because they are both grieving. He will realise that you are not a jealous person and are prepared to let him deal with his grief without questioning his actions. Tell him that any rumours you have heard you dont believe them, tell him and reassure him that you completely trust him and love him and will be there for him as a friend or as a lover if he wants. If he has cheated back with his ex as she alleges, then he will confess that to you I believe if you show him that you trust him completely. But during this time, let him grieve, it will take a long time, grief has no time limits, but just be there for him. I know its easier said than done, and its almost as if I am suggesting that you completely forget yourself and your feeling, but at this time, he needs to grieve for his sad loss. All the best and take care. xXx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): I agree with Dr. Pete. You need to assure your b.f. that you will be there for him... and mean it. He will definitely want to be with his ex now because what he lost is something only she will understand and share. Right now, everything else will not be of much importance to him... not his family, not his friends, his work, his life, you... nothing. I think it will be easier for you if you can accept this. I agree that his ex should not have called you and told you all those things. By doing this she is only addressing her insecurities. Maybe she suggested having another baby to console herself... and maybe at that moment your b.f. agreed too... but, that doesn't necessarily mean that they will get over everything in a jiffy and start living like nothing ever happened. She is his 'ex' for a reason and he is with you for a reason. Please understand that at this moment, everyone is an outsider for him... including you. The loss, if you realize, is just his... and hers. Please continue to make yourself available to him whenever he should need you. Take his calls, meet him if he wants to... but, do not call him / go see him on your own. Every chance you get, let him know you love him and miss him and that you are only waiting for him to clear his mind and come back.Try not to worry yourself thinking about what he might be doing with his ex. And whatever you do, don't use his family's dislike for her or preference to you as an excuse to drive your point. All you really need to do right now is give him time on his own.I know this must be devastating for you... it is a terrible situation. But, you love him and this should help you understand and be strong. Once his mind clears up, and he is sure his ex is stable, I'm sure his thoughts will come running back to you. Good luck sweetie... I hope all goes well for you. We are all here if you should need us. Lots of love and luck. V.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (18 May 2006):
 My brothers baby died a few years ago so I have some understanding of what your BF must be going through. At this emotionally distressing period, he and his ex will not be thinking straight or rationally. She maybe putting pressure on herself, and him, to have another baby (not to replace the child that has died but as a distraction). My sister in law certainly responded to the whole situation by wanting another baby right away. I can understand that you must be feeling very hurt at the moment, but the best thing you can do is to stand back and give your BF some space to think things through. If the child died suddenly without time for them to prepare it will be very distressing and his ex maybe feeling very dependent on him at this time, and a bit jealous about you. He may also feel obliged to support her since they have shared the experience of parenting the child, and he may feel that rejecting her at this time would be just too harsh. Just give him time. There is no point making a big fuss as the whole situation is emotionally strained enough already. In time he may come to his senses (after all he did separate from his ex for some reason in the first place).
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A
female
reader, mariaelizabeth +, writes (18 May 2006):
surely hes feeling a bit vunerable although he might not say it, so be the better woman and tell him that he can have all the time he needs and that you will be around if ever he needs to get away from anything or talk. theirs no telling how long he will take to get over the worst of it, so stick in there, and show him how caring and thoughtful you can be by really letting him know that you mean when you say your there for him. Its gonna be hard for you, but think in your head...shes his ex for a REASON, and it shouldnt take too long before he is reminded why again. No doubt hes just feeling confused, and she is the ONLY other person who knows exactly how he feels so hes going to feel more of a connection with her because the death of his child is all hes thinking about right now. He probly doesnt know what he wants, he probly cant see that he'll pull through in the end, and being around him all the time might bring you down and ware you out emotionally. so make it clear you want to be his shoulder and he'll see a wonderful side of you when his tunnel gets brighter. Whatever you do, try to ignore his ex. xxx
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (18 May 2006):
 it sounds like he feels under alot of pressure, and his ex dosent sound like she is handling what has happened very well.
he left her or they split for a reason and he chose to be with you for a reason.
those reasons havent changed, just maybe got a little confused.
if your boyfriend denys they are back together maybe his ex is trying to cling onto the only thing she has left that reminds her of her little girl....your boyfriend!
its understandable considering the pain they must be feeling but i think your boyfriend feels caught in the middle which in this difficult time probably explains why he is rejecting you both.
however , his commitment is to you, not his ex, and i do not think that they need to be spending the night with each other to get over thier loss or indeed so much time together, your boyfriend has you , you need to remind him of that , infact of all of this, and maybe ask him to suggest his ex seek professional help or the help of a good friend or family member to help her grieve her loss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): What a terrible situation for you all :(
I think you are going to need a lot of strength to let your boyfriend be with the mother for the time being. They need to mourn the loss their child together.
You sound surprised that he is acting strangely, I think you need to put yourself in his shoes and imagine just how confused and hurt he is feeling right now.
The mother is probably beside herself, and you need to accept that she may be thinking a lot of crazy things right now.
You shouldn't feel paranoid that they are going to get back together and have another baby and you don't need to concern yourself about his family disliking her, etc. All of this is just your natural worry that this disaster will mean you loose him, but this won't necessarily happen.
You love this man, so let him be with his x-girlfriend so they can both get through this horrible, horrible experience. In this time you need to put his feelings before your own, and not kick up a fuss about him seeing her, because no matter how much he loves you, he WILL choose being with her over you if you put him in that situation.
I hope you have some people close to you that can understand your worry and feelings about what has happened?
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