A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What do you do when your bf wont LET you dump him ? I mean honestly... Its really hard on me because i really DO care about him so much, and if i knew a way id make it work if I could... But he tends to put his own needs first and put mine aside... He had a colesore on his lip and kissed me with it, even though Id told him not to do that because it might make me get sick, and guess what, it did... I was a week off my final exams and he kissed me in my sleep when he was sick with vomiting and diarea... I got sick the next day, but I got over it in like 6 hours... Fewww.I love so many things about him, he's fantastic with kids, just amazing... Etc. But he can be such a jerk.. Sometimes... And I want someone who's good for me, encourages me to try new things, lets me talk to my family on the phone without constantly interupting and who isnt so needy and naggy for my constant attention... I've tried to break up with Daniel like a million times in the yr and half we've been together... But i never seem able to do it... First of all he burst into tears, gets sick, loses his job and loses his wallet, phone or anything else you can think of whenever we take time off... And I genuinely miss him... Im alone in this new country i've lived 2 yrs now and he's really my only friend... My other two friends moved abroad so i miss him like hell when Im not with him... But i know he's not good for me in the long run.. He makes me less of a person and has already forced me to be sick 3 times with variouse things and is kind of controlling... But he's SO nice after an attempted break up... Promises to change, just needs some time, please can i give him another week or two and then it'll all be differant... And trufully he has changed a lot for me other time, but it takes a LOONG time.. I cant live with him and Im SO lonely without him... And to make it worst he falls so much apart that he overdosed in sleeping pills one time... When he thought I was going to break up with him... He said it was accidental but I know better... Then an ex flame called me up on my birthday, wants to meet up, still loves me... etc... I told him we have to be friends right now... But I feel i cant break up with Daniel while im this way, and he's this way... I need a solution that will see me safely to independance and him safely to indepentance... My brother killed himself when I was 8 and he and I were very close... So i feel worried ... What Ive dont is bad, I keep talkint to my ex... Who doesnt know about Daniel, Im afraid if i tell him he'll leave again. My ex lives too far away from me to be "cheating" but I feel bad... Im leading him on, unsure if I;ll ever be able to be brave enough to leave Daniel... I dont want to hurt anyone... And If Daniel found out i was talking to him on the phone he'd go pycho as well, and feel cheated on... Because this is an ex... Not just a new friend on the block.. Im stuck, feel hopeless, feel like a HORRIBLE person and feel so lonily in my guilt and fear... Deep down Im really afraid of ending up alone again... Because i was alone until I was 27 and I had very close friends... I dont want to go back to spending all my time with my mother for friendship again.. And Im afraid Daniel will go on drugs, ruin his life, die etc after I leave... I do really care for him... I worry about him a lot, and I feel responsable... I know im NOT, but how do I stop feeling like I am ??
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (9 September 2011):
 The only way we should get or stay involved with people is if our happiness in the relationship is not dependent on them “changing”. You are in the middle of a very unhealthy situation and you have to make some tough decisions – and live up to them once you’ve made them.
It is not a matter of whether or not he will ‘let’ you dump him. It’s not up to him. He doesn’t have a say. It’s YOU who won’t let you dump him. It’s you who allows yourself to be manipulated by your feelings of guilt and fear and keeps you trapped in a toxic arrangement.
You are afraid to be lonely. In truth, you’ve spent two years with a controlling person and made yourself unavailable to making new friends or potential partners. You keep yourself locked in this emotionally toxic cycle – he is the only one I have so I will stay with him, but I stay with him so he is the only one I have…
Do you miss him when you are apart or do you miss the company of someone you know and feel ‘safe’ with?
If you want to be out of this relationship, then it is time to take responsibility for yourself – and only yourself. Daniel is aware of the guilt you feel about the loss of your brother. He likes your guilt, your fear and your isolation. With it, he has found the JACKPOT of manipulation tactics to keep you exactly where he wants you… with him and lonely, except for him; his willing emotional crutch.
We can not control what others do or think or feel. We can only control ourselves. His ‘accident’ with sleeping pills was no accident. It was also no accident that you found out about it. It elicited in you the desired effect and guaranteed you would stay with him.
And he isn’t doing this out of love for you. He is behaving out of love for himself, as usual. His needs and desires come first – he wants to kiss you, despite it making you sick, so he kisses you. Someone who loves you puts your needs first – you know this because it is how you love people.
You are far from helpless. You have the awesome power at your disposal called, “self-control.”
Listen to empowering music or watch a movie that fills you with strength. Call him up and tell him it is over. Keep the conversation brief. Keep the goal in mind as you speak, “I will feel this way when it is done, I will have these freedoms. I am letting him own his own feelings and actions and I am owning mine. I am not happy in this relationship and I want out – I deserve to be out – he doesn’t need to understand or to be happy about it.”
If he asks for more time, you can simply say, “We’ve been through this before.”
This will hurt him. When someone appears to ‘reject’ us, it hurts. It is a necessary hurt. People have been through worse and bounced back. He can grow up now. Remember that if you must deliver news that will hurt, then it is better to ‘cut him with a knife’ – quickly - than to gently try to cut him with a spoon – let him down gently and spare his ego and give him umpteen chances – he will heal more quickly and cleanly if you just let him hurt and get over it.
Treat yourself to something special when it is done and remain vigilant. You are the LAST person who can help him through his grief. Grief is normal and his successful navigation through it will make him a stronger person, but that is up to him. Any harm he does to himself is meant to hurt YOU; to manipulate your guilt and fear – a disgusting behaviour which is indicative of his lack of regard for your well-being. Do not fall for it.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): Okay, you've got a lot going on so here is the things you need to know.1) Texting an ex even if you're not having any type of sex talk is cheating. It's called an emotional affair, which would be really easy for you to slip into since you have no other friends but your b/f.2) Controling behavior from a b/f is abuse. Abusers get mean and then after their anger or whatever it is blows over they become extra nice. "I'm sorry, I promise I'll change. I won't do it again." That's an abuser's calling card. Controling behavior is a form of emotional abuse, and making you feel like less of a person is abuse.3) Going into a complete tail spin like he can't survive without you is manipulative and dangerous behavior. This goes with #2. This co-dependant behavior also raises red flags that he has some sort of mental illness that is untreated, but only he can choose to get better and seek help.4) I'm very sorry for your loss of your brother. Suicide is never the fault of the people around the person who takes their life. Suicide is a symptom of a much bigger and deeper illness. It is not your fault your brother died. It is no ones fault. Your brother was ill (such as with cancer,) and unfortunately his illness took his life. You cannot live in fear the rest of your life that your actions will cause those around you to committ suicide. :( You do need to get away from your toxic relationship. You need to seek therapy for support over your grieving of your brother, and begin to build yourself a healthier you. Once you break up with him you need to make the boundries clear, and if he continues to track you down make sure you keep records of all contact he makes with you in case it turns out he's a stalker and you need to alert the police. I know that's scary, but you do not deserve to be treated like less of a person.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (9 September 2011):
He doesn't have a choice if you want to end it.Tell him it is over, and do not give him mixed messages. Get him out of your life, he can not be a friend. Give both of you space so you can both get over the relationship and the breakup.Everybody feels bad after breaking up with someone, and everybody is afraid of being alone. That is NO reason to stay in a relationship that clearly isn't working out.If he wants to act needy and guilt trip you in to staying with you then that is his problem, not yours. You can't stay with him just because he is acting such a loser. He's manipulating you, and blackmailing you.The sooner you end it, and start moving on, the sooner you will start to feel better about yourself. And hopefully, one day, your boyfriend will also learn from it and hopefully be a better guy.
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