A
female
age
30-35,
*iralynnlove
writes:I have been with my boyfriend now for 6 months. I have fallen madly in love with him. We have been talking about getting married after he is done with basic training for the military, and want to be with each other forever. He was staying the weekend at my house (i live alone) and he was using my computer to get some work done. He started going through some of my stuff on my computer, and he found (in my trash bin) old pictures of my ex from over a year ago. He also found a short story a old friend is writing. It is about a man hating his old love, and how he used her as she had used him.. My boyfriend thought it was about me.He flipped... He told me he was leaving and called me a liar and a slut.. I ran home from work to talk to him.. He had already left but said he would come back to talk to me. A few hours went by and he got to my house. We fought and screamed.. He was broken hearted and accused me of cheating. Which I have never done. I told him I never did. He then asked me how many times i had slept with an ex. (different ex than in the pictures) when I first met my boyfriend before we started dating I told him I had had sex twice with thee same guy. That was a lie. It was 3 times but I just lied, i dont know why. He said he loves me and we are still together, but he said i need to get his trust back because i have lost it.. He said he will think i am cheating on him no matter what. What can i do to show him I never cheated?? and i never would.. I want to know how i can get his trust back and how i can show him he is the one, who i want to spend eternity with..
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jealous, liar, military, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kiralynnlove +, writes (18 July 2010):
kiralynnlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe worked everything out. We are getting married :) he is in basic training right now and proposed a couple nights ago :) I've never been more happy in my life :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Please listen to the advice you are getting here. Snooping, name calling, anger and irrational jealousy are all big warning signs. You can't make him trust you because his accusations are not based on anything you have done. The problem is in his head and this is a tactic to get the upper hand and have power over you. Now you are on the back foot, apologizing to him and working to keep him but you know you have done nothing wrong. Ok you told a small lie, but did you lie because you were afraid of his reaction? Given his behavior since that would be understandable and why does he need to quiz you on that stuff anyway?Think about it this way, most people feel jealous from time to time. Occasionally they do stupid things, feel insecure and maybe ask questions they probably shouldn't about your past. But usually they don't flip out over minor things and they don't call you names. Assuming they do lose it, afterward they realize they have made a mistake and apologize to you. They do not turn it on you and act so hurt that you are begging for trust and forgiveness when you have done nothing wrong or to suggest that you will hurt them. If you do something hurtful, but apologize and are obviously committed to them then a healthy person can move past it rather than hold it over you. His anger and his upset have distracted you from the fact that he was snooping and is making false accusations. You have the right to be annoyed by this, but you are the one apologizing because that's what he wants. You have only known him six months but have decided to commit to him, which is why you are inclined to overlook the fact that he seems unstable and is manipulating you. The longer you are in this sort of situation the harder it is to leave, which is why everyone tells you to get out now. I suspect you won't but at the very least take a big step back from the relationship, slow it down and be more objective about this man's character. If he can't cope with that, don't take it as proof of love. It's likely more evidence of his unresolved issues.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 June 2010):
Leave NOW. This man is displaying all the signs of a seriously jealous and angry man, and that points to someone who is unsafe to be around. How long until he punches you, I wonder? Don't do the classic abused woman thing and stay with him. It's a waste of time. He's even made it clear that he will think you're cheating no matter what. You don't need that in your life. End it now, or be prepared for extreme misery. You only have to look at other posts on this site to show how bad it can get just from something like this. He's not worth a second of your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Listen to the advice to never set the precedent to grovel while innocent. I currently have a question active on this forum asking help with issues with my husband that too involve jealousy. But only we've been together 8 years, not 6 months. Get out of this. This relationship is bad news. Don't stay together any more time don't get any more attached to him don't create any more memories together. You need to LOSE HIM. Wish I could follow my own advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): You didn't cheat on him. You would never cheat on him. You are madly in love with this guy. And he doesn't trust you? ok...
You had pictures of your ex (like EVERYBODY does), you lied about one sexual incident (like EVERYBODY does). What do you think makes him feel so unique here that he thinks he has the right to get livid about things that I have no doubt in my mind he is also "guilty" of? I am curious to know how many chicks he's banged. Or what is in his computer.
And that you have behaved in a fashion no different than any woman he has been with or could be with, he should feel LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY to have a woman who loves him as much as you do.
My last two relationships were physically and emotionally abusive. They destroyed my self esteem and my safety. I had to go to the police, relocate, and live in hiding for a year. Both of my previous abusive relationships started JUST LIKE THIS.
That is ALWAYS their hook line and sinker...that's the test...that's where they get you and the abuse begins...right when they UNFOUNDEDLY find something "suspicious" (back over here in reality there is NOTHING suspicious or wrong about that stuff in ur computer) they then get all mad, "lose" your trust and make you WORK and PROVE to them that you ARE worth his time... this is a losing battle because you are WASTING YOUR TIME. Because the cycle will NEVER end! You will live the rest of this relationship proving and proving and proving and he will never get the point. Because its all a line. Its all a tactic. This is an abuser's tactic to get you right where he wants you so that he can ABUSE YOU!
I have had HEALTHY relationships before and its a totally different experience. Sorry to break it to you but this guy does not love you...
Not only that but he could turn out to be extremely DANGEROUS. If I were you I would walk away from this one. A guy who LOVES you would NOT put you in this predicament. Mark my words, this guy is bad news. Walk away...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 June 2010):
 You can't show him that you never cheated, and he doesn't deserve you to crawl to him on your hands and knees. He blew it the first time he dared to call you a "slut".
Here's the thing. He went and snooped all over your computer. It takes some real paranoia to look in the TRASH BIN of a computer. If you stay with him, and especially if you marry him, his rage and jealousy will get worse. You will have no privacy, he will put pressure on you to not go out and to abandon your friends, and nothing you can do will placate him.
If he's calling you a slut NOW at this current state of your relationship, he's going to be breaking things and hitting you when you're married and he sees something he thinks means that you're cheating.
You NEVER EVER EVER EVER set the precedent that you grovel, crawl, or will do anything to gain "trust" when you're innocent. He either accepts what you say or you walk. You've done nothing to be ashamed for, and it was a bunch of crap that he snooped all over your computer like that.
HE should be the one earning YOUR trust for what he did and said. Another thing - it's none of his business how many times you had sex with your ex. If he was asking that specific of questions, that's a warning sign right there.
You do NOT want to spend eternity with him, unless you want to get screamed at, your privacy and life stomped on, and be emotionally and verbally (at LEAST) abused on a regular basis. He has a severe problem, and you need to drop him right now.
You've been dating for 6 months, and I would say that that is not long enough to really get to know your partner. You've gone off-balance with your feelings about him, and that's how he's able to do what he did to you. That's why you can't stand up to him. Blind love is a dangerous grip.
He's going into the military, so there's a false sense of "all or nothing" drama element in the relationship. If you learn while young that you can never approach a relationship this way, you will save yourself from a lifetime of hardship.
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A
female
reader, QZ +, writes (20 June 2010):
 It sounds like your boyfriend may have some trust issues - perhaps he was cheated on before? I think you need to talk to him about not only you trusting him but him trusting you, and he needs to know that it's not okay to go through your things (like on your computer). You need to be up front and honest with him and ask him to do the same.
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