A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Myself and my boyfriend have been together for 6 yrs! we both live at home still. He is with his mum and brother, and im with my mum and dad. Over these years i have been saving up thinking we will move out, get a mortgage sometime. But he isnt so good with money. He had a credit debt that he has now payed off, Which is good, but after talking about saving away each month (being the next thing for him to do) he is still not really doing it, he has some savings, but i know its not enough for his half of a deposit to put down, plus other costs and things we would need to buy to set ourselfs up living together. He dosent seem excited about getting a mortgage, i know its a big step, but i feel its the best thing to do. I dont want to waste money on renting. We have started to talk more about moving out, and now he seems really excited about renting somewhere in the city. He just says it will be fun for a couple of years, he can walk to work, be close to shops and everything. But im not so excited about this idea. i tryed to comprimise and suggest we can get a mortgage on a flat in the city which would be a good starting point, something cheaper to get onto the housing ladder. But he still talks of renting. When i asked him whats putting him off getting a mortgage, he couldnt really give me a good reason. maybe we want different things. maybe he doesnt really want to settle with me permanently? maybe we should rent after all, or maybe now im 27 and he is 29 should i be telling him to grow up? Im not sure what the right thing to do is anymore. please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your answers, sorry ive been a long while giving feedback! i have a new question soon so hopefully you can help me again. thanks
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 September 2009):
 I know it seems like he is trying to shy away from committing to buying a house with you but he is actually being very sensible. I know you have been together for quite some time but you never fully know someone until you move in with them (I found that out the hard way!) so in my opinion renting is the best way to figure out if things are going to work before you make the massive commitment of buying a house together.
Renting isnt really throwing your money away - the deposit you pay upfront you get back when you move out providing you havent done any damage to the property. While the housing market is so unstable at the moment you are best to rent - if you bought a house you could end up with negative equity due to the recession so it is too much of a gamble at the moment to buy a house. yes they may be cheaper than they were last year but the chances are house prices will fall a bit more before the market recovers, so you could end up with a house worth less than what you paid for it! Now that truly is throwing your money away!
Rent together for a year or so and see how the relationship is when you are living together - you will find out so many bad habits and things you dont like about your boyfriend when you live together so it really is the perfect way to see if you are really compatible. Like my ex and I, we had the perfect relationship and I had never been happier. Then we moved in together and he completely changed - he was like a different person! It was an unbelieveable change and we just ended up bringing out the worst in each other when we lived together. I was just thankful that we were renting and we hadnt made any serious investments into a house!
Now I'm not saying this will happen to you - the chances are living together will make your relationship even stronger and you will be very happy together. But it is best to test the water first before you dive right in! And by showing that you are willing to rent with your boyfriend, he will be more likely in say a years time to want to buy a house with you. Men dont like major commitments - no matter what age they are. So they like to do it in a step-by-step process, and the first step is to live together in a rented property to see how things go. After that, when he sees how good it is to live with you he will be much more likely to want to buy a house with you!
Men dont like being put under pressure to make commitments - they like to do it in their own time. So just rent somewhere for now and drop the subject of buying a house. I think you will find that when you drop the subject (and subsequently to a man you have stopped "nagging" them) then they often start thinking about the issue off their own backs and want to talk about it.
Men are funny creatures! My best friend is in a similar situation to you - she wants to get engaged this year and buy a house with her boyfriend. She thought he wanted the same things and had been talking about it for a while. All of a sudden he turned round to her and told her he wanted to rent a house first, before they got engaged and before they bought a house. He didnt give any real reasons - he just said that was what he wanted to do. At first she was gutted and had no idea how to deal with it, but then she recieved some advice from a work friend that she should just leave it - agree with him and drop the subject entirely. So thats what she has done - a month later all he is doing is talking about getting engaged and moving in together!
So it seems that when you stop the nagging and stop talking about it entirely, the man will often come round to the idea! Maybe they just need to take time with the idea, getting their heads round it in their own time! It isnt brilliant for the woman as you are having to give up on what you want for a while, but it will be worth it in the long run.
So just go ahead and start looking for places to rent, and ease off the buying a house subject. Maybe you should just say to him that you are happy to rent a house with him for now and are really looking forward to living with him, but you dont see renting as a long term thing and will be looking to buy a house in the near future, and would like some indication from him that he will be looking to buy a house with you too in the near future. As long as you have some indication from him that he wants to buy a house soon ish then you wont be wasting any time or money.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): There's an order for this.. first, get out of your parnets houses, and figure out where you want to live. RENT first, and learn which parts of town suit you best. I would NEVER move and buy a house all at once. Odds are good that you'll end up in an area you didn't fully understand.Rent, look around, find some neighborhoods that suit you.Next, if your serious about making a HUGE purchase (and huge legal obligation) w/o being married, set up the agreement where should something happen you don't have to sell the house and take a huge loss. If you sell w/i the first 5 or so years odds are really good that you'll have to bring cash to the sales closing (which is a really BAD thing - since you'll be paying someone to vuy your house).I'd only buy a house with someone I was married to, otherwise, let one of you buy a house, and let the other one pay rent- if you split the renter has NO CLAIM on the house.Odds are good that he understands the legal pains involved and doesn't want to be tied down to a bank. Does he fell the same way about being tied down to you? I didn't go from moving out of my folks place to having a mortgage that was 5x my annual salary.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (15 September 2009):
 A mortgage can be a heavy burden for young couples. It puts a crimp on everything. Though you might be excited about owning rather than renting, consider the finances and real estate taxes first. Then figure out what's left of your paychecks.
If you two are financially stressed at some point its going to affect your relationship.
Home ownership is so very permanent and desirable but unless you buy it at a bargain price on very good terms, as in cheaper than renting, its usually not worth the risk.
Its of course up to you two. He may be worried about owning a place together and at some point the two of you split, then what?
Whatever you two choose, do so wisely.
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