A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for pretty open minded advice here so bare with me lol. My boyfriend and I were together for about 4 years. We had a great relationship but towards the end we had some difficulties outside of our relationship that we couldn't really control. But we both agreed we loved each other and wanted to make it work. In the end, he became unhappy and uncertain about his feelings and we broke up. The issue is towards the end of our relationship, he started an "emotional affair" (as I call it) with a woman he knew. He had been telling all of his troubles to her and was flirting with her and it was definitely a crush. I was very upset and this became the ultimate reason for our break up. He started dating her after we broke up and obviously I was very mad and hurt but wanted him to be happy. He was a very loyal and respectful man during our 4 years, and I don't 100% put him as to blame for the cheating, I think a lot of crap contributed towards it. I was always so in love with him and we both hoped to be together again some day. Well fast forward a year later and we got back in touch and decided (after many talks and really thinking it through) to get back together. It's been 3 months since we have been back together. Big issue; he wants to continue being friends with the woman he cheated with! He doesn't see a problem with it like I do. He's not being a jerk about it but he really doesn't get it. He says they care about each other a lot and continue to have a great friendship and there's nothing more to it. He says since we are back together I should trust him more. To me it's not about trust, it's about respect, you know? It's hurtful for him to still want her in his life after everything that happened between us and her. And now I'm over reacting a apparently and he's upset too so that's where we are now. Advice would be great.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): FIRSTLY, MY STORY (if you're interested):
Five years ago, I went through the same thing. I referred to the situation as an "emotional affair" too. It wasn't a physical relationship, but he was going through a difficult time at work & confided in her & at the time, I was busy in my studies. He was largely oblivious to how emotionally close they'd become. They'd always been friends but he hadn't realized how the relationship changed.
Once she threw herself at him, he realized how close they'd become. He felt bombarded & also responsible for unintentionally leading her on into what she thought was now a relationship. She did everything possible to reel him in after that & he did everything to try & let her down gently, to no avail. She'd had her eyes on my guy for as long as I'd known him. I knew this but he didn't see it. We were both so incredibly busy that year & facing issues & stresses in our working lives. She moved in as soon as a weakness was showing, when he was vulnerable to it.
We broke up. The lying & betrayal (they'd spent time together in secret for so long) was too heartbreaking for me. It felt like a true affair. We were apart for 3 months - the hardest time of my entire life. During that time, he never saw her. He completely cut her out of his life. We then got back together & it did take me around a YEAR to learn to trust him again. That was the hardest part. I was frequently paranoid that she'd contacted him or when he was out, he could've met up with her. He remained honest, open & consistent with me & he tolerated my episodes of paranoia. The hardest part was not seeing him as the man I'd always known & loved. I saw him as someone who lied to me & broke my heart & someone I could never trust again. I hated that I couldn't look at him the same.
Fortunately, time is an excellent healer. We've now been together 6 years since. We own a home together & we're happy. I might only think of her for a minute every couple of months & if I do, I'm thinking about how I'll exercise self control & not resort to slapping her, if I ever see her in person. She was a scavenger. Moving in for the kill when defenses were low. Trying to destroy a relationship, without empathy for the other woman, only thinking of herself. I'll probably always feel hatred toward her.
MY ADVICE TO YOU:
Don't think for a SECOND you are being unreasonable! In no way are you being unreasonable! This was not a friendship he had with this girl, it was more of a relationship. By keeping in touch with her, he's not showing you he's serious or committed to making things work with you. There needs to be a strict condition to you two being together again - that he cuts HER out of his life completely. This "friendship" with this woman caused you incredible pain & heartbreak & ultimately led to your breakup! Don't tolerate this. He is not being serious about making things work with you. He's not being considerate & understanding of your feelings. This friendship makes you uncomfortable & affects your ability to trust him & so it needs to end. If he can't end it, then he should be with her, not you! In a relationship, you each need to be totally committed to each other, confide in each other. You should be each other's best friends. There should be no need for this "friendship" with this other girl. You are his companion.
I hope sharing my experience has been helpful? At least you can see how much damage an emotional affair can do & how much work it takes to regain that trust you once had. Don't think for a second it's a small thing & you're overreacting. I'm sorry you're going through this. To me, the situation is a black & white one. He wants to make it work with you, he ends all association with HER - for your sake & the sake of saving your relationship. Please let us know what you decide to do :) Good luck!
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (2 March 2016):
I think it would be useful to understand why he feels the need to continue to have a friendship with her. It helps to listen to both parties without talking over each other.
Overall, it is a difficult thing to give up a friend, and as you said he didn't cheat but he did have that emotional affair. Does he feel like this or is it you speaking for him? If he does not feel like this then he may not see things the way you do, which is important. While you see it as an emotional affair, he may see it someone who was there when he had issues. I think the more important issue would be the amount of time and the type of things he chooses to invest/communicate with her.
Leave that room for communication with him because these things sort of happen, no one is perfect and there will always be mistakes and problems in any relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): This for me appears clear cut in regard to the aspect you discuss which is upsetting you so deeply. I say this because of course we only know the details you have brought here, but mindful that you hint at other factors that led to the break up.He was with her emotionally during your relationship - and you describe this as an emotional affair. He then went on to be with her after you broke up. in relaying to you that he wants to continue having this woman in his life I think he is showing a lack of respect or appreciation of how his behaviour is making you feel. However I would also offer this - I also know from experience that sometimes this can be because a partner is not fully understanding how you feel and how important it is to you. Yes, I guess, he should realise this. If you are framing this as something he should not do, then I suppose this may make him naturally defensive, and this may increase the miscommunication gap. I would therefore suggest that you frame it in a way that this is making you feel awful and concerned that you feel you are just an option - please use feel in your framing - because he cannot deny you those. This opens a possibility of working together as opposed to being a confrontation. You need to really relay the effect this is having on you, how it leaves you feeling and how much you want him to understand this part of you and look after it with his actions, ie - to cease contact with the woman. Know that you are not being unreasonable here. you are being reasonable, his behaviour is not ok or reasonable. Once you have given him this opportunity, you will know you have done all you can do, and you would have done it in a dignified manner and will not regret doing so in time to come, whatever the outcome. In the end, he will do what he wants to do. So long as you have made it clear that this can be resolved together and you guide him into understanding how he is making you feel then, then you can with the best of intentions walk away if he continues to deny the effect he is having on your feelings. If you are clear that he must cease contact then you must say that so there is no ambiguity.Should he persist, then you know he does not care enough about you or your relationship together, and it is much better that you find this out sooner rather than waste more time which could be spent with someone who is better for your well being and happiness.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 March 2016):
 I think you just need to say to him that it is you or her, if he picks her well then this tells you where is loyalties lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): Even when he cheated on you you still say it wasn't all his fault, you say that you can't give him 100% of the blame. Whatever happened in your relationship before he started this emotional affair he wasn't a nice person running off to another woman for a shoulder to cry on as obviously he had feelings for her. He knew what he was doing and the way you word everything it sounds like you are a forgiving person but way too forgiving.Even after he's telling you he wants to remain friends with a person who really hurt you you say that he isn't being a jerk about it. Yes he is being a jerk!I have a feeling that no matter what he does to you you will always forgive him. No matter what I think you love him so much you will never just decide enough is enough.I think he's a bit manipulative when he wants his own way, he doesn't get angry when he can't get what he wants, he's laid back and tries to discuss things with you so he doesn't come across as a jerk.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2016):
 I don't think you are overreacting AT ALL.
There IS no real GOOD reason for him to stay friends with her. NOT if he wants to re-work the relationship with you.
It's like he wants to keep a "spare". Now he might claim they are OH SO platonic friends, but there is a history between then that BROKE your relationship up. The first hint at trouble in the relationship and he will be "crying at HER shoulders". And I'm sorry, that is just not fair.
Some people just can't separate friendships from relationships. But there SHOULD be a waste difference. And while sometimes people CAN be friends with an ex, most of the time it's NOT a good idea. And even if he tells you, OK I will no longer be friend with her, do you think SHE will let go?
I agree with Ivy - you two will end up spending more time on HER than trying to rebuild. She is now the CENTER of his world. They didn't work out as GF/BF but he isn't willing to let her go. HE isn't take ANY responsibility for the "emotional affair" he had with her that lead to the break up.
I am also NOT a fan of dating an ex. You two broke up for a reason. SHE was part of the reason. NOTHING about the break up has been resolved as he STILL keep her around!
Sorry, I'd let him go. It's not going to be like the good times you two had again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2016): I am the OP. thank you all very much for the support. As crazy as it sounds I really am in love with him and always have been. Our 4 year relationship was honestly really good before the 'cheating' happened. It lasted maybe a week before we split, but it was hurtful regardless. Him turning to another woman for moral support, and flirting with her instead of working on our relationship like he said he wanted, felt like betrayal to me. He just doesn't see this like I do and it's frustrating. Our connection is still there, we still feel love, but now it just doesn't feel right. I thought this would work out because he seemed to be very committed and happy to be back with me. When him and I broke up and he started dating someone else, he still wanted me in his life. I refused because it hurt. So he doesn't see it like I do at all. I don't feel very important to him right now, regardless of his words. It's a very sad situation but I know what I have to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (1 March 2016):
 Hon, As I see it - he has a choice - either YOU or HER.
Since he so clearly still wants to be with her, let him have her.
Please understand that he was having AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR with this woman whilst he was still with you. And the choice to have the affair was totally his.
I would suggest that you bow this one out. He is deep in foggy land where this woman is more important than you.
You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 March 2016):
 You are absolutely correct, and whatever claims he makes to prolong his relationship with that other woman is bunk. There are variety of reasons why we hang around certain people: job, sports, family... but that woman's purpose is romance. Well, you can't be friends after you break the romance because you can't drop to less intimate relationship knowing fully well of everything that was more intimate. Humans don't just erase something to be something else.
Anyway, you should put it bluntly to him: either you break with that woman with total no contact or you'll break with him. Don't waste time discussing why or have endless sophistry chats about trust. The simple fact is, the function of that woman is romance not friendship and if he wants you to trust him then why is he tempting your trust.
In fact, you should insist that going no contact with that woman would be a sign of his major commitment to you, and since that is what you both want, then demand that he does it now.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 March 2016):
 I think this is one of those times when you've won the battle but lost the war. You have the love of your life and you're back together after all the upheaval but at what cost? Remember, this is a woman who he first had an emotional affair with and then proceeded to have a relationship with. He cannot disentangle himself from something this intense and he's right when he says that. The problem is that you want him back as things were before he met this woman and sadly that's not possible.
For one thing, I personally don't think a relationship works after ex lovers get back together, that too when cheating was involved. There's too much baggage. Maybe there's still a slim possibility of this happening if the one who cheated completely comes clean and breaks all communication with their lover; however your boyfriend has clearly said that he wont do that. You cant and shouldnt even pressurize him because not only should it come from him, it might also lead him to lie about it and talk to her behind your back.
Let this one go OP. Its not worth all the trouble. Ask yourself another question: Can you trust that he'll never break your heart like he did the first time? You're right when he says that he doesnt respect you. And you say he's upset? Really, he has no moral ground to be upset about this and has some nerve to even tell you this! Wow!
I wouldn't go back to this guy if I were you...as far as I'm concerned, he's made his stand pretty clear.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (1 March 2016):
 Absolutely girlfriend...I agree it is about respect,loyalty and real commitment,not only you as an individual but the relationship as a whole,plain and simple. If he is at all serious then saying goodbye should come easy. She is now an ex and should be kept that way . if she is a friend as she claims to be would not want to be the cause of getting in the way of him being happy with you, stepping aside gracefully. If the tables were turned, would it be acceptable to him that you invite back into your life and your relationship an old flame? I actually see it as a sign of weakness on his behalf. Not attractive. In my honest opinion, this is very black and white, keep her ...loose me. No point going round in circles trying to see each others point of view. Chances are instead of moving forward all you two will do it argue about her. If all turns out in your favour, still...I'd keep my eye on things. All the best
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (1 March 2016):
 "big issue : he wants to continue being friends with the woman he cheated with !" why would he want to just be friends with someone he cheated with, if he is in a relationship with you. he will be tempted or going back to her on the side. "he does not see a problem with it like i do." maybe he does not want to see a problem with it until he is given in to her again. if you hang around temptation long enough you will give in. if you stand next to a snake long enough you are going to get bit. "he is not being a jerk about it but he really does not get it." he is either naive or hoping for desert on the side. you need to real him in before damage is done. problem will start out small and grow into something big. you need to tell him its either you or her.
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