A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, ok so my problem is probably quite common but I still have no idea what to do so I would really appreciate your advice. Basically, I'm 28 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. He recently asked me to move in with him, which I thought was a positive step at first, but when discussing it I asked him when he thought we'd get married and have children and he said he doesn't think he'll be ready for that for another 10 years. He was horrified when I told him I might only have 7 or 8 years left before it starts getting difficult for me to conceive. He then told me to ask him about it again in 6 years time and that was all he said on the matter.I am totally thrown by this, as he always said he wanted marriage and children eventually but never said it was so far in the future for him. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset because I don't want these things right now, but I don't feel I can move in with him and go on in this relationship if I know there's a good chance I could be with him for another 4 years or more and he still won't be sure. He thinks I'm overreacting and doesn't understand why I can't just agree to move in with him and be happy with what we have now. I told him I won't move in with him but I'm so sad and confused right now because I just didn't see this coming. Is my only option to end things with him? What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): Hi OP here again. I read that other question and it's very similar but my boyfriend is the same age as me. I'll ask him about it though - he knows I come on here so maybe he's changed the details around a bit. Thanks again for all your help, it's much appreciated.
And Tisha - I don't know if I've picked you up wrong but I have posted a follow up comment already?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-asked-my-girlfriend-to-move-in-but.html
Did you happen to read this? Very odd that neither party has chosen to comment.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2013):
If you want marriage and children then don't do the moving in together thing with a guy who has announced he's not at that point yet.
If you have a personal goal to be a mother by a certain age then don't waste your time on a guy who isn't certain he even wants to be a father. At his age, either he knows he wants children or he doesn't.
It's kind of sad but your timing just doesn't coincide with his. Too bad.
The good news is that you know what you want and you now know that's he's not on board with you.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (5 August 2013):
 iAmHereToHelpYou and the anonymous male reader beat me to it. This is totally the flip side of a question from the other day. Hmm.
I'll give you advice that follows the same logic as I gave him: don't move in with him.
I understand your fear because, despite the kind of advice that a lot of agony aunts dish out here, you never know when the next long-term relationship will happen if you leave this guy. That said, your ovaries don't shut down when you're 35. The risks of disorders in the child do increase with the age of the parents who conceive the child and conceiving does get a tad harder with age, but the rate of both those issues are less dramatic than you think.
Why doesn't he want to marry for another 10 years? I can see not wanting to have kids until your 30s, but what's his excuse for the marriage issue? As I said in the other question (his question?) you need a better idea of why he draws such a firm line between indefinitely living together as boyfriend/girlfriend and marriage.
Until you get that answer, don't move in with him. What's the point? Especially if marriage is what YOU really want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): He doesn't understand that women have a biological clock which starts ticking. It's incredibly selfish of him to say "talk to me in 6 years." He can't force his own narrow minded plans on a woman's reproductive system! Your body is not waiting for him, and you need to explain that to him very clearly.
If he is actually putting the idea of children off for as much as 10 years, he does not sound like the family oriented man that you yourself would like to be married too. Not all men want to be fathers, and the last thing you want is him being an absentee father
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): Moving in with him when you ultimately are not on the same page does not sound like a good idea. Unless you want to move in together now and live in the moment with no thought about the future.
Let him know that for you living together is the precursor to marriage and you are happy to do so when he is ready to discuss marriage. I don't know what you could possibly gain by staying on a train that you're not sure where it's going. Why not get off the train and stand at the platform until the driver announces where it's going?
You are not trying to push him into marriage. But at the same time, there's not point investing even further when you're not sure what he wants. After 4 years, he should have a rough idea of whether he sees himself growing old with you or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): OP, you wouldn't be stupid to leave the relationship to seek what you really want.
If you're asking if a bird in the hand is worth hanging on to what you have; then you weigh the pros and cons. You want children, you want marriage; but this guy is dragging his feet. It would not be "stupid" to make a choice either way. To stay or to move on. What would really make you happy? Marriage or what you have now?
Just keep in mind, most men are slow to consider marriage.
There are some men who just want to settle down, and start a family really soon. They are usually quite mature, and the wife is often much younger.
Now that women are starting to become heads of households, they are marrying later in life; and having one or two children. They are balancing motherhood and a career. They are becoming very goal-oriented; and really not waiting for men to decide when to start a family.
I have good female acquaintances who are single-mothers, and career-driven women by choice. They are single and date, but they are raising kids on their own. They chose the time they felt it best to begin a family. With or without a man. They earn good livings and are very good moms.
You can start a family whenever you want. You can marry when you get ready as well. However; if you wish to share your life with this particular man, marriage is in the distant future. Or, so he says.
He may be pulling your leg; with the intent to propose anytime. Guys do that you know. Sometimes we prefer to spring that on you!
Never consider it to be stupid to pursue your dreams. You can have it all.
I suggest you inform buddy-boy that you'll compromise for 2 years, and you're out. Let him know that being a wife and mother is at the top of your list of priorities; and if he's not up to it....see ya!!!
Good luck no matter what you decide!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 August 2013):
 Why waste your time with a guy who - obviously - is neither marriage nor family "material?"??????
Dump him.... and, as you continue your life... and some time, find some other man who strikes your fancy... make sure that you and he are "on the same page" re: marriage and family.... and stick with him.... This one isn't for you!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 I will start off by saying why are you with him if you guys want completely different things?
You ultimately cant get mad with him if not settling down right now isnt in the cards for him right now. Whereas this is something you're thinking about. Perhaps moving in with him is really not such a good idea as it will make you want a family and such that much more.
Not to make you feel bad but maybe he does want those things but just not with you right now. Think about it, 4years is more than enough time to decide whether your partner is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or not, infact, most people know for sure by the end of year 1. I've witnessed (more times than I can count) a guy not wanting to marry and have a family with his gf so she leaves him and not even a year later he is marrying someone else. Your bf seems like he expects you to wait around when that shouldnt be the case, he should really want you around, he should see you as more than a gf looking 6years down the line. If you dont mind waiting around for something that MAY NEVER happen then you be my guest and wait around for about 6 years. However if you know that you cannot and wont wait and find his viewpoint selfish and ridiculous then guess what? CALLING IT QUITS IS ALL THAT YOU CAN DO
Goodluck
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 August 2013):
He has the right to want that and you have the right to want what you want. This is a decision that can't be forced on someone. What does that mean?
Communicate that you're not willing to wait. After 32 pregnancy becomes riskier, not to mention it means less time on this earth with your children (who will be the loves of your lives). If he doesn't want to marry you and have a family soon, it's better for the two of you to move on.
Then do it. It'll be hard, but there are plenty of good guys out there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): Hi I am the OP. Thank you for your advice so far I really appreciate it. I just wanted to clarify the fact that I am not in a rush to get married for the sake of it or for any reason other than the fact I am in love with my boyfriend and I was under the impression that we both wanted the same things. We discussed this when we met, and both said we wanted to wait until we were around 30. Now that is approaching, he has changed the goalposts and has added another 10 years to the timeframe. I'm just scared I could wait another 4 years, or 6 years, or even 10 years and he still won't know what he wants. Am I being stupid if I stay and hope he gets there eventually, or am I stupid to leave a good relationship for something that might not be out there?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): Just a thought, do you think this is him?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-asked-my-girlfriend-to-move-in-but.html
Even if it isn't, it gives a perspective from the other side.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 He wanted marriage and children because it proves him to be a manly man, being able to produce and having a woman to love him, but he didn't want the responsibility and lack of freedom associated with marriage and family. Here's a prime example of how words mean nothing. 10 years mean a convenient postponement of a non existent promise for him and an empty hope for you. Ask again in 6 years also means stay around in case he is ready for marriage or can handle/tolerate it at that time. Pretty lame isn't it?
Neither of you can be happy because when you move in, you will always have marriage and kids in mind while he comes up with more excuses of why it's not a good time. Only move in with him if you don't care either way whether you will have kids, or you happen to favor adoption in the future.
It is a sacrifice for a woman to move in without future security. You are investing time and your fertility years with a man who is not sure. It's okay to feel upset but the question is how to express that feeling. Don't make him feel wrong about his reluctance to get married. Instead be vulnerable and say you are scared of time wasted and being hurt. Leave it at that and see if he cares about your feelings enough. At the same time understand why men are afraid of commitment. If relationships really strip a man of his masculinity, his happiness maybe we women should not force them into it. Men marry on an impulse, a feeling, not because it's the right time or the right thing to do. It is a very elusive thing as to what that thing is, that inspires a man to want to marry. The best thing you can do is be happy with yourself and love yourself and no one else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): If you have to hit your boyfriend over the head with the prospect of marriage; I'd say he has given you a clear indication that he isn't looking forward to it anytime soon.
He is confirming that he is willing to commit, and share his life as a couple. He's seeing marriage in the distance.
Living apart still afforded the both of you independence.
Men do not jump into wedding plans as quickly as women. He may have it in his head sooner than he is admitting, but the point is to stop you from hounding him about it. It takes two to want to get married. Your "biological clock" is important, but not a reason to bypass all other considerations.
It's more important to be concerned about your compatibility as a couple. People can be together 20 years and not really be a compatible couple. They may fight a lot and just have co-dependency. They stay together out of love, but can't marry; because they know it wouldn't work.
Living together is a good trial of what life will be like. You will get to know all his quirks and habits, on a more intimate basis. Then you'll know for sure if you really want this man as the father of your children; and your mate for life. You could change your mind after only a few months of living together in one home.
Stay in the present and put your wedding gown on layaway. If you think you're going to railroad this guy to the alter; I think you are far ahead of yourself.
Women are often in a race to the alter, and use the old "biological clock" excuse as justification. You can always adopt or get a surrogate. That is not a reason to rush into matrimony with some guy you'll divorce in a couple of years; because you where too anxious to be fitted for a wedding gown, and have a fairytale wedding.
Most marriages are ending in divorce; because people rush into it without concentrating on all the right things to make them work. Women get caught up in the romantic aspect of having a big wedding, with all the trimmings. Thinking having a husband will make life complete. Not necessarily.
Talk to a couple of divorced women. If it ever happens again, they'll be sure they approach it right and set the right priorities.
It's what comes after the honeymoon phase, that you should be thinking about. That's what men think about more. Can he stand living out the rest of his life with you? Is he really marriage material? Are you really wife-material? You can be a great girlfriend, and a horrible wife. He can be a great boyfriend, and a lousy husband.
Living together will allow you to get your finances in order, learn to create a budget, tweak the issues that bug your relationship, and make a final decision if you are truly meant for each other as a married couple. Call it your trial period for marriage.
The first four years was a period you had to consider whether this guy is heading in the right direction for you.
Hanging on in hopes of his getting comfortable with the possibility of marriage, may not have been in good judgment.
Men don't really discuss marriage and having families in the same way as women. They nod in agreement, and look forward to it someday. If there are things he'd like to see changed in the relationship before he makes that leap, he will hold out until it happens.
Of course you have a right to be concerned about the time you have left to conceive children. What if he turns out to be sterile, or you can't conceive? Then you proceed based on whatever it takes to build a family.
Marriages should be built on wanting to live out your lives together, willing to make the effort to support each other when things get tough. Giving each other room to grow, and celebrating your individual and joint accomplishments. Supporting each other through sorrow and loss. That's what it's about. Not how fast you can speed to the alter and push a baby carriage. These are legitimate concerns, don't get me wrong.
If he isn't moving fast enough; then by all means refuse to move in, end this relationship.
Make yourself available for a guy ready to get married and start a family right-away. You don't put all your eggs in his basket. You have a say as well. You committed four years. If things aren't going in the right direction; than you take the wheel, and let buddy-boy off at the next stop.
Your present boyfriend isn't ready to get married. If you have to pressure him into it, he's the wrong guy.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (4 August 2013):
 this is his way of saying he doesnt want kids
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A
female
reader, motherhen +, writes (4 August 2013):
You could go for fertility testing for your own peace of mind. They can tell you how fertile you are and even estimate how long you will fertile for several years ahead.
It's not an exact science but it may give you one less worry and give you a chance to think about what your man is offering right now.
Be honest with yourself too, if the marriage and baby longing is more important to you than him, are you really happy to wait until he's ready? X
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