A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for several months and it's been absolutely fantastic. He is divorced (6 years ago) and has 2 wonderful children. (8 and 11)I've met his ex-wife and she seems nice and genuinely happy for him being with me. Before I came into the picture, he planned a vacation to Disney with his children, with the "possibility" of his ex-wife joining. They have a good relationship- which I am happy about, but them going to "the happiest place on earth" together like a family bothers me to the point where I feel crazy. He finally got an answer from her and she decided to go. I was NOT happy. To add insult to injury- he lied about the length of her stay to protect me- he was afraid I would leave him if I knew the whole truth- that this was planned with her, and I understand- it's for the kids sake- but LYING to me was WRONG. What was the difference how long she stayed? SHES THERE, PERIOD.Now there all there together having a wonderful time and I'm home, mind racing, anxious, jealous, angry, obsessing in my mind with all kinds of crazy ideas- what if this brings them back together? I don't think he would ever, but my mind is everywhere.He claims there in separate hotels- but I don't buy that- I mean he lied to protect me before- whos to say that isn't BS too. Separate rooms I'm sure- but I doubt separate hotels. I'm not an idiot. On that note: I do NOT have any concerns that there is/will be anything going on with them, I do believe that this is strictly for the kids-and they are just "friends." But this whole thing has me consumed with jealousy and doubts. It's literally making me sick!So am I just over-reacting and being crazy,selfish and immature? Or shouldn't I have every right to be anxious and angry....?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI truly appreciate all of your answers and input. We had a long discussion last night and to be honest I am slightly torn. I am aware that it has only been a few months- but I have spent a lot of that time with his children as well. They really like me, always ask for me etc. He told me that his son saw a Disney key chain in a store with my name on it, and said daddy lets get this for her- right in front of his own mother, lol. He said it made him happy to know that his kids love me, and I adore them. Great kids. I truly believe there is no other agenda with the ex wife. But my antennas are always up, and I know how women can be! After all, I am one. Someone made a good point- stating; the ex wife wasn't sure she was joining until I (new girlfriend) came into the picture. But I don't want to make myself more paranoid; I am almost positive they could care less about each others personal lives. May I add, he DID in fact ask me to join the trip- but being such short notice (again its only been a few months) I obviously couldn't whip up that kind of money. He assured me (and when I tell you, the man was in tears) that this is the first and last time they ever travel together. He needed help because his daughter likes to do "girl things" and his son "guy things" lol so they split up in the parks and meet up etc. He made it clear and I believe him- From now on it's me you and the kids or me and you. (we have a trip planned in October for just us) I understand she is the mother of his children and I know what I signed up for. This is not the first time I've dated divorced men with kids. They lying- yes, red flags, however I do understand he was just trying to soften the blow. I just can't wait till its over- he actually said the same thing last night. He just wants to come home to me and he wishes I was there. Thanks again everyone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): If he lied cos he thought you would leave, then he should have not done the thing that he thought was a deal breaker, not simply lie to you about himself! Take note, this is showing you an important part of his character and how he goes about handling relationship difficulties. People who want to make everyone happy end up making everyone upset instead eventually. And there's also only so much that makes sense to do "for the kids ". Faking an intimate relationship with their mother for the kids is just wrong as it's lying to the poor children and is a pretty low thing to do if you're supposed to already be with someone else. I am sorry but there just isn't any reason that can possibly justify pretending you're in a relationship with someone when you have already made a commitment to another. Using kids as an excuse is despicable or just whacked out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): if the divorced parents are going to be so noble as to temporarily re-unite for the duration of this family vacation for the sake of their children (yeah right, I suspect there's another agenda other than the kids), that's all fine and well but then said parents should NOT go about advertising themselves as being ready for a committed relationship with other people!! it's quite simple really. If you want to hang out with your ex wife because it makes your kids happy, by all means, if you think this makes you a better father. But don't go and start getting all romantic with another woman as it's not fair to her. Just because a guy has kids from a previous relationship, doesn't mean it's OK to treat his new girlfriend disrespectfully. Maybe he shoudln't be having a girlfriend then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): This guy may be a great dad, but a crappy boyfriend. I mean, sure he had planned this Disney trip before you were in the picture. Even then, why did he invite his ex to join them? I mean, if you had never entered the picture, would this vacation be like them "playing house" pretending they're married again, or what? that alone is weird. next is that it was only AFTER you entered the picture that his ex wife accepted his invitation to go to Disney with him. you've met her already, yet she still THEN went and accepted his invite to vacation with him? sounds to me like the two of them haven't truly finished their relationship, that maybe they're still trying to keep the door open with each other, like they used the divorce not as a way to move on, but just as a temporary breathing space while they try to re-work their relationship or something. and then finally he lied to you because he was afraid you'd leave him if you knew the truth. Well then, why didn't he choose a different and more honorable course of action that he could be open about, rather than simply lying about what he did? this means that he knew what he was doing was inappropriate in the context of your relationship, yet he chose to do it anyway and then hide it from you. Not exactly a good way to build a new intimate relationship, is it. he may have good intentions of wanting to create a memorable vacation for his children, but he clearly has no business getting involved with any one as a romantic partner so I think you should stay away from him. He will cause nothing but more drama because he hasn't figured out what role his ex-wife plays in his life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): I would walk away from this relationship. It's great that he gets along well with his ex, but I think that the two of them still haven't defined good working boundaries with each other, therefore he really shouldn't be getting involved with anyone new since he doesn't have normal boundaries in place. Going on vacation with her, and his lying to you about it, are red flags. They have been divorced 6 years now. That means that their 8 year old especially has only ever known his parents as being supposedly divorced. It's not fair on the kids, for their parents to be CONFUSING them as to the status of their family. Are their parents together, or not? How does the new girlfriend/wife (or boyfriend/husband, if the ex has one) fit in, in relation to them? It's the parents' job to model what 'normal' family relationships are. Going on vacation together as one big happy family (unless it also includes the parents' new partners) is misleading their kids into thinking their parents are getting back together or that they ARE actually together. Then the appearance of a new adult as a partner to either parent is going to foster resentment and unacceptance in the kids because then they see the new adult as intruding on their family unit rather than being a new family member. (this goes for the ex-wife's new future partner as well)And besides, if everything is done for the sake of the kids without any regard to how it impacts anyone else, then why did they even get divorced? why don't they just stay married for the sake of the kids? This is my real issue - if they're going to mimic being a married couple, then why don't they just be one. In which case there's no room for you, obviously. And this lying to you thing is definitely a red flag. Whenever someone takes it upon themselves to decide what information to with hold from you because they are trying to manipulate you, they are basically robbing you of your right to decide if you will accept their questionable actions or not. I guarantee he will lie again, because it seems that lying is his default or his first-choice option. I think if he had not lied to you and instead had openly come to you with all the information, then even though the situation is still 'strange' you would at least not be wracked with suspicion and wondering what his true motivations are. As far as I'm concerned, he has already shown his true colors and he is not to be trusted. If his allegiance is to his ex, then he shouldn't be starting up any new relationships with anyone else. You've only known this guy a few months. I say, walk away now and find a different man who either doesn't have kids, or if he does, has more healthy boundaries in his relationships and can a foster good NEW type of relationship with his ex, one that doesn't involve crossing or blurring boundaries and being "halfway together."
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reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 May 2013):
 So this was planned with his Ex-Wife ‘before’ you came along and at a time ‘after’ his Divorce which was 6 years ago? His children would have been less then 2 and 5 years old? This to me sounds a bit bizarre… It would have been more poignant to plan staying together ‘FOR the SAKE OF their CHILDREN’ than Waltzing around Disney!? Where’s the next adventure – Reconciliation Theme Park?
Be it that he lied and claims they’re in 2 separate Hotels; I would always want someone to be truthful with me when dating after several months, several weeks or seven days. As there is nothing gained by lying, it just makes that person untrustworthy etc!
If you are going crazy over this, it’s for the right reasons, as I sense ‘it’s about him lying’ and what else is there on his/her agenda that may effect your live… Naturally it’s reasonable to think that. As he put it there! But I am sure you are not being selfish or immature as you accept his children, met his Ex-wife to know she is genuinely happy for him being with you, and will have happy memories of your own with or without him :)
Take Care – CAA
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): He divorced the woman 6 years ago! I doubt they were able to be very intimate with two kids around. It's kind of hard for parents to do that even when they're a family living in the same house. Your discomfort is fully understandable.It is really to your benefit that he and his ex- are on good terms, as far as the children are concerned. They were a family once. The kids need a stable and loving environment, no matter what. They went to Disneyland, and that was for the kids; not a romantic rendezvous for their parents. You need to check your jealousy and insecurity. Their marriage existed before you came along, and they will always share the love and responsibility of raising the children they had together. They now have separate lives, joined only for the children's sake. Get used to it.You will get used to it, or you will become a memory. He had six years to go back to his wife. Yet he hasn't. He even introduced you to his family, which includes their mother. He didn't need you in the picture to complicate things, if his intention is to take her back. The success of your relationship depends on you fitting in and accepting the fact he has to do things for his kids that may include their mother. They may ask him to do it from time to time. As they get older, which will be soon,these "family-outings" will not require mom as a participant.It would be nice if you planned something, like a picnic or a bar-b-q just for you, your BF, and the kids. So they will get to know and like you. You will find great security in creating your own relationship with the kids. Nothing stiff or forced, but real and fun. Then throw a backyard party inviting the mom and kids. Then you can get a feel of where she's coming from. keep your enemies close.If you can't appreciate the "friendly-ex" situation between your BF and his ex-wife without suspicion; maybe this setup isn't for you. As far as he is concerned, I think it's all about the kids. Getting along with their mom keeps them happy. They're still quite young.I hope you will accept it at face-value and try to make it work. He sounds like a great dad and a good man. Not a bitter guy hated by his ex-wife, and neglecting his kids.You've found yourself a rare one. Being a jealous girlfriend under these circumstances; wouldn't reflect well on you. You have proof of the good man that he is. He happens to be a divorced father. You are the beginning of a new chapter in his life.
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 May 2013):
 Its great that his ex wife is happy for him in his VERY NEW relationship with you of only several months.
Now, stop and think for a moment, he has two, young, impressionable children ..... and this trip was planned before you came on the scene. The possibility the mother of those children might also go on the trip was also in place BEFORE you came on the scene.
So, what would a decent man do. Cancel all that, risking the dissappointment of his children for a woman who has only been part of his life for several months.
The mother of his children is going to be part of his life right up until he dies, she is going to share the BIG moments, graduations, first car, weddings, the highs and lows of the children's lives and probably they will also be sharing gradchildren. You are never going to be front and centre for any of those occassions. Accept that as a fact, and make your decision now if you can live with that fact or not.
As for the holiday, yes, there is a chance the formerly married couple might get close and personal, it probably happens a lot more than you think, and if it happens, and you find out, then you will know he hasn't dealt with all the baggage from his marriage and is not yet ready for a full on committed relationship with you.
You have to just sit tight and wait and see, not a good place to be in, but it is what you have got.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): I understand how you feel & I would feel the same way. Not many woman would like that situation. I feel when you are divorced that means you don't vacation together. If everything is for the sake of the kids, they should of stayed together.
If he is in a new relationship with you, he should of considered your feelings, if he wants to stay with you. Why didn't he invite you along? Is this something they continue to do every year?
You aren't being selfish, you have feelings for this new man in your life & he should be creating memories with you, not continuing to make them with his ex-wife.
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