A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I keep making the same mistakes and can't seem to stop myself. I had an unhappy first marriage and after having my children I had an affair with my Husband's best friend and left my husband for him, he then didn't want to know me once I was single, although he said he loved me and I was the most perfect person ever. Several yeas later I met and fell in love with someone else who then went on to become Husband number 2, I am again in an unhappy marriage and on our first wedding anniversary slept with his best friend and continued to do so for the following 3 years. I broke it off with him as I knew it wasn't right, then had a one night stand with someone else a few years later. My Husband's best friend is now wanting to rekindle things and is threatning to tell my Husband if I don't start seeing him again. I am not in a happy marriage but don't want it to end this way, plus I would lose my house and end up with lots of debts if my marriage was to fail. What can I do to make this right???
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affair, anniversary, best friend, debt, fell in love, one night stand, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (16 August 2009):
Hi honey, I feel for you I really do. It's hard to break these patterns and I can see it's causing you a lot of stress. if your husband doesn't want to do marriage counseling then you can still go for counseling by yourself. You really need to.
Sounds like you already know some of your issues - avoiding confrontation and having a hard time saying no. Flirting inappropriately is about self-esteem. The attn you get from these men boosts your esteem. People with high self esteem are able to establish and enforce good boundaries - like saying no. you need to work on building your own self esteem.
It's very common though for us women to build our self esteem around men's attn and approval. Even though if you stop and think about how clueless most men are, handing over this kind of power is a bit like letting the 6 year old drive the car - lord knows where you will end up.
I recommend a good therapist.. and here's a crazy idea -- What about making friends with some gay men? Gay men are really honest and willing to talk about issues, they LOVE a good flirt and are great esteem boosters (so you can get that boost without having to take the next step that straight men will push for), they are GREAT at confrontation (so they can teach you how!), and you won't have to worry about being a threat to their lovers!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): there is no hope for you. no amount of advise given here would make you change your behaviour. why? because you just do not care to do the right thing. in fact i don't think you even know what that is. if you like being used then please continue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Thank you Quirklady, I know you are right, I do need to stop this destructive behaviour, I don't really know how to act around men unless it's flirting then they want flirting to go to the next level and I feel that I have to go all the way as I don't like confrontation or saying no to people. Writing it down like this I know that if I was reading it I would think how stupid that sounds. I have to learn another way to interact with men. I don't have any close female friends as they don't trust me around there Husbands & partners but then who can blame them. I try to befriend woman but as soon as there man comes on the scene I focus on them and I know that's not good.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (10 August 2009):
 I think that you need to continue with therapy. It takes a long time to unravel destructive behavior patterns, but you have to keep trying for you and your husband. It is not cool for you to lie and cheat on the one you chose to be with. In the end, you will have to commit yourself to living honestly every day, even if it hurts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tigerlily, I have been to a therapist for emotional problems in the past and this helped for a while but then I slip back into my old ways again. I don't think my Husband would consider marriage counselling as I really don't think he realises there is even a problem (I am good at hiding the truth. I have tried to talk to his best friend and reason with him but he says he has nothing left to lose although he himself is married with children. It's like a rollercoaster, and I have also started heavily flirting with another guy that I don't even really fancy it's just that he is paying me attention so I respond to it. I really am messing up big time at the moment.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (9 August 2009):
Well first of all, if this is a pattern, I think you need to spend some time with a good therapist. You aren't going to get to the bottom of what's going on on these boards. Second, you might want to consider marriage counseling as well to see if you can fix what's wrong with your marriage.
As for your husband's best friend, tell him you are sorry that he is hurting, but you are really trying to grow up and do the right thing. That you feel horrible that you have BOTH betrayed a man who is 1. your husband, and 2. his BEST friend and that he deserves better from both of you. He is not going to win your affection through threats, and if he has any remorse or love in his heart for anyone, then he will not destroy his friendship and your marriage.
Men who have affairs with married women like the thrill but have intimacy issues and don't want to deal with the commitment, as you learned with the first one who lost all interest as soon as you were single. This guy sounds like the same deal.
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