A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone,my boyfriend seems to think i am mad or have a personality disorder because i will not admit to cheating on him,i have never cheated and even wanted us to share a home together just so it would stop any doubts but he declined my offer and continues to accuse me i have not had any reason to cheat even thoe he has rejected me sexually on a few occasions but it takes more than sex to have a relationship he makes me happy just thinking of him,i have offered to go see someone who will tell me if i have a problem or not its my only way to stop his accusations and my proof of my love for him as i truly dont want to be with anyone else Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Love doesnt inflict this kind of torment and then disregard the hurt they cause. What is more alarming is your willingness to come here and rub it in his face. You either dont love him or if you do,then you really do need to see someone who specialises in treating the kind of behaviour you believe is acceptable. Would you suffer this abuse?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Why do you believe you love this man? Could it be fear of being single?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Why not just have an open relationship? If you are able to put deception out of your mind and sex life,you could possibly still have a relationship,half your cake and be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): why do you do it. could you have a problem where you are not charged up sexualy without it? i also agree you need help but you have to want to quit first. have you ever had a relationship with anyone attached? this avoidance is displaying narcissistic tendencies and if you dont get what has been said or ignore it,it may be that. whatever it is,you will never solve it by pretending things never happened. it may be too late to salvage now,but it will repeat itself in every relationship if you ignore it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): if you do not respect who you say you love,you in the end will lose. You have written here knowing he will see it. Made him look like an insecure moron. Then what? Show him that no one agrees with him? It has made it worse. He will build up so much hate towards you that nothing can mend it. He knows,you blank it out of your mind,everyone is under a false belief about him,you still never cheat but carry on the same deception. I think its better to let him go as he wont be able to trust you again now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): its unlikely you will hear but i will try. If you continue in this mode then expect no responce,miss out the cause,then you will hurt at the end of it. So all the answers put before he said his piece,what do they mean? They mean nothing. you to the real world is betraying,void of any thought as that isnt what you are here to talk about. the truth is you dont have the ability to think like a balanced person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): IF you have been "sexting" (sending sexy text messages and/or pictures to someone) then THAT IS ALSO CHEATING. Sending secret emails and/or texting of sexual talk, OR mushy feelings, OR pictures IS STILL CHEATING. Any of that is cheating. And if you LIE or OMIT the truth about doing these things, then it is part of the reason why it is CHEATING. A cheater often sends secret texts or emails, goes to chatrooms and has INAPPROPRIATE, flirty conversations with others about private things (love OR sexual feelings towards someone else, flirty or sexual-related talk, sends or accepts nude or sexual photos of other people. A person who does these things IS CHEATING. Some people don't see themselves as cheaters when they do these things. BUT THEY ARE. Some people know it is cheating, but they won't admit it.I personally would NOT tolerate this from my wife if she did those things. My wife once had an emotional affair at work and she was sending SECRET emails, texts, and little cards and gifts to someone else. I was always good to her and to this day, she does NOT complain about how I treat her and our sex life is red-hot. She just got greedy and had a crises in her life, feeling like she was getting older before she was ready, and she is married... I think she wanted to have an experience with someone else and she couldn't because she's married. She blamed ME for that and started seeing me as an obstacle and told me I manipulated her into getting married, when I didn't. In the USA, getting married is our own choice. I would not manipulate her into something. I proposed with a ring and she accepted it and told me she considers it her engagement ring and she had called herself my "wife" before I even proposed! She had done sneaky things like contacted some exes behind my back, but I forgave her and still wanted to marry her, believing she wouldn't betray me. She took vows with me on our wedding day in front of everyone we knew. If she still wasn't ready, that is not my fault. But when you LIVE with someone, you can't delay a wedding so you can date or have sex with other people and get it out of your system! THAT is NOT acceptable and it's not going to happen. By the time you move in with someone and discussing having kids and getting married some day, you aren't free to see other people.When my wife had an affair, we had been together for five years. I take care of her in sickness, I support her with her goals and acheivements, I help around the house, cook for her, get her baths, make GOOD love to her, I don't ask for any sex in return, I don't abuse her, I don't do drugs, I don't cheat and never have. I am actually really good to her, romantic and attentive. I did NOT deserve what she did to me. And she knows that. We have been planning a family together and were even trying to get pregnant and my wife STILL had feelings for someone she cheated on me with! She even gave a RING to her "friend" from work. A RING. I saw the flirty, inappropriate emails and texts. Both were still talking 10 months later about the affair and why they could not be a couple. MY wife STILL was sending secret emails saying "you are hot and even though we'd love to get into each other's underwear, it's not going to happen. We both have enough sense NOT to do that (I am laughing and I know you are, too!) THAT email was NOT appropriate. I was NOT about to go through another year or more of THIS kind of exchange between them, and have my wife telling me it's all in my head, and there's nothing but friendship going on... THen she would have gone and had sex with her "friend" and probably would blame me and say I was wrongly accusing her and I drove her to it...NO WAY.So my advice is: THIS IS PART OF CHEATING: SENDING SECRET EMAILS, TEXTS, NUDE OR SEXY PHOTOS, FLIRTY and/or SEXUAL CHATS, MUSHY FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE, SENDING CARDS OR GIFTS TO SOMEONE ELSE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO, SOENDING STOLEN MOMENTS WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO, NOT TELLING YOUR PARTNER ABOUT THESE THINGS YOU HAVE BEEN DOING IS ALL CHEATING!!!!!!!! And you need to STOP IT. NOW. PERIOD. IT IS CHEATING. Your lover has every right to be upset or angry. I went through this with my wife and I told her it IS cheating and I will NEVER go through that kind of behavior ever again. And if she disagrees, then she can LEAVE.My wife KNEW that I am a VERY commitment-oriented person and when she moved in, we discussed the meaning of living together and NOT having involvements with anyone else. I wish people would BE HONEST about what really happened when there are problems. Selective memory is no use. Denying your own sneaky behavior is not going to work, either. It is what it is. I was able to work through this with my wife ONLY because she admitted that it is cheating and she CUT OFF ALL TIES WITH THE "FRIEND" SHE WAS SEEING FROM WORK. THEY HAVEN'T SHARED AN EMAIL IN OVER A YEAR AND SHE KNOWS I WILL LEAVE HER IF SHE HAS ANY FURTHER CONTACT AGAIN. It was the only thing I asked of her when we agreed to stay together and she swore never to cheat again. It is the least she could do since hurting me. She claims she cut off the "friend" because the friend pissed her off. But I KNOW it was because the feelings were still there and they could not really be friends. She won't admit that much to me, but I saw the emails. If you are so honest and not doing something wrong, then WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU ARE DOING? WHY IS IT A SECRET IF THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON AND YOU ARE SO INNOCENT?Sorry, but you can't have it both ways and lead a secret life. If your honey doesn't want that kind of life, then YOU have only two choices:1. STOP doing sneaky things.2. Leave him before he gets disgusted and leaves you.Those are really your only choices. I'll tell you why: Even if you do sneaky things, it is a matter of TIME before you get caught and your partner figures it out and then the choice will be your partner's, NOT YOURS. Your partner will then choose whether or when to leave you if you won't stop the bad behavior. You might not be having a full-blown affair, but if you are sharing secret emails and texts and behaving INAPPROPRIATELY with others (in person, online, emails, in texting...) then YOU ARE CHEATING. Just FACE IT and STOP DOING IT. You can't lie to all of us out here the way you lie to your man.Good luck and good bye.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): The guy has answered back,well if this is true,you ARE cheating and the pattern does seem to be something that needs some type of looking into.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): I am the one this is about. Before the cut throats come on,i would like to say 7 years of breaking up over the same thing,caught red handed,denies it. We break up,she takes it very badly,get together she is still at it,it hadnt even stopped. Internet dating,adult sex chat,texting them,sending pics of her parts. 7 years,wont allow me to object,doesnt want me to go,but at all costs she wont stop it. Yes,i think there is something needs resolving by someone proffessional. She accidently txt me the other day,if she has cheated i dont know,but its clear she was about to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): Wow. There is only so much an innocent person can do to prove innocence! If you REALLY are not cheating (physically or emotionally) then you shouldn't be too worried. Cheating isn't all about sex, you know. A person can cheat also by getting too intimate and private emotionally with another person (flirty emails, feelings for someone else, buying gifts for someone you have a crush on, thinking of someone else all day long and having a secret contact with that person that your honey doesn't know about...) Those things are also cheating. SO, that much being said - if you are NOT doing ANY of these things, no kissing, no sex, no secret emails, secret texting, no chatrooms or secret feelings for someone else...then YOU are NOT CHEATING. PERIOD. And he needs to realize this before he loses you. Some people get sick of being wrongly accused and they (stupidly decide to just cheat) OR they end the relationship. Trust is vital! Why is he so convinced that you are cheating? Hmmmm... Did you ever deceive him? If not, perhaps he was burned by someone else before. People do not just pull these thoughts out of the air. Something is making him think this. If it truly is not coming from anything you did, then it shouldn't be too difficult to prove your innocence. I wish you the best of luck. And him. When you go to see a therapist, take him with you and get to the root of this problem and resolve it once and for all.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (20 March 2011):
Well usually accusing without any cause is usually a sign that he may be doing it. To say you have a personality disorder suggests there may be something more and has been going on for a long time. What do you mean "if you have a problem or not" Its not making any sense. It is all guessing,but it sounds like he has something he really does believe and is tormented by it. Do you ever lie to him,hide things,behave innapropriately? Have you ever slept with anyone else after an argument? If none of these have happened then it could be he needs help,if any have happened and you lied then it may be better to accept it has killed any hope of a happy relationship.
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A
female
reader, tcm  +, writes (20 March 2011):
If he refuses you love making,then being a man,it is likely that there is a deep rooted feeling of what he believes. Its very wrong to jump to any conclusion with what you put,but my guess is he probably has a reason,and you may just be falling short of telling us. If he is mentioning personality disorders without a cause its abuse. I do believe you know why. If you have given reason to this odd behavior on his part,then mentioning disorders means its been going on a long time. If he had seen something,you know he had and you lie then its understandable. As it appears,I take it he hasnt. His behavior is typical of someone being constantly hurt but fears leaving. Its not out of nowhere,its got a root. Until you are more clear,its unlikely any answer is woth its time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): If he hasnt always been like this,then what started it? He sounds to be in no doubt that you cheated and thoughts like that more often than not have been caused through a form betrayal. If you offer to go and see someone,then do,but if you lie,deny or avoid anything you know,then its a waste of time. Its far to vague and probably has far more history to it. Without prejudice,if you are missing out details or being less than truthful about it all,then nothing will ever be different. If it was natural for him,then you would have spotted it very early and would not have continued. There is a reason,and I think you dont want to mention it.
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A
male
reader, Man-of-questions +, writes (20 March 2011):
This is more a problem with your partner rather than you. I have had the same problem with my girlfriend, but she's a lot better now.
Your partner has trust issues, or paranoid, possibly caused by an underlying problem such as depression (I only say this as this is what my girlfriend suffered from). Either way, this is still his problem to solve and there is nothing you have done wrong.
This is an underlying issue with him, and no amount of reassurance will assuage his feelings. He needs to "see someone" as you put it much more than you do, as it sounds like perhaps he is jealous or insecure. All you need to do is do nothing to fuel this and allow him to sort himself out, however he chooses to do so.
If this doesn't stop then you have to consider if it's even a relationship at all. A relationship is built on the foundations of trust for each other, and you can't work on the other issues if this isn't sorted. He will continue to accuse you until you are driven apart by this. Believe me, I know, jealousy/paranoia/distrust/lack of confidence is a destructive force, especially when it comes between two people.
You need to sit down and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that is is down to him to sort out. You shouldn't have to keep proving to him that you haven't cheated- as your word should be enough.
Bare this in mind and be strong. Don't let him control you or make you feel bad for confronting him. His attitude is destructive towards the relationship and it needs to be resolved by whatever means necessary.
If you need to, then feel free to message me on here with regards to anything. This is something I have a lot of experience with and I can try and help you all I can.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (20 March 2011):
 You both have a problem and I don't see this relationship ever working out. You are being a doormat and happy to settle for a man who accuses you falsely. Why would you want to live like this, always having to explain every trip to the laundrymat, every second you were sitting in traffic? He has major insecurities and your relationship will become very exhausting in a short time if he does not trust you.
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