A
female
age
30-35,
*armaki
writes:My boyfriend and I haven't been together a year yet but he already brings up marriage. We are expecting a child, it was a complete accidental pregnancy, I was on birth control and we were using a condom but somehow I still got pregnant (My mother actually had the same thing happen to her when she got pregnant with me.)We are currently hunting for an apartment together and working on saving every penny we could for our daughter.He has another daughter from a previous relationship but things didn't work out with them and the mother and him HATE each other. They only try to get at least a bit along for the sake of their daughter.Anyways, it seems strange to me that he is already mentioning marriage. I know that he was engaged to his daughter's mother about a year or so before we got together.He's told me he's ready for some stability in his life nd he wanted to have a family (he lost his parents and sister at a young age).Anyways he normally only brings up the word marriage when I am depressed. I suffer periods where I just feel so lost and depressed and all I can do is lay in bed and sleep. During those periods I sometimes black out and I can lose my temper easily. I've said things I didn't mean during those periods. What he'd do during that time would be lay next to me in the bed and hold me and rub my back and just talk calmly to me to get me to feel better. It is during these times when he will say stuff like "do you want to get married?" or "would it make you feel better if I told you I wanted to marry you?" I never give him an answer at the time. When I am out of one of my dark moods I will ask him why he said that and he will tell me he wants to settle down and have a serious relationship. He then won't bring it up again until another one of my dark moods.I do want to someday get married but I feel like it is too soon in his and my relationship for that type of talk.I'm not sure what to feel about this. There is a part of me that wonders if maybe he is saying that because it didn't work out with his daughter's mother. I don't want to be a replacement.I also wonder if maybe he only brings it up in the hopes of taking me out of the bad moods.Or maybe it could just be that he is being open about his plans for the future.What do you think?
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condom, depressed, engaged, period Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): OP, if your insurance doesn't cover therapy; then you still have alternatives.
You must look into specialized women's organizations who offer free counseling and referrals. They find charities and family counseling for women in your predicament. There is always hope and help. Sometimes you have to look for it; just as you reached out to us. There are professionals who donate their time, and organizations that find funding to help young women who need help with prenatal care, financial hardship, employment assistance, and for their mental-health. Look them up online; and you'll find them just as you found DearCupid.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): My ex used to do the exact same thing.
Every time I would want to talk about the future (which was very rare anyway) he would not be interested at all in the conversation. Yet as soon as I was upset or pissed off with him, he'd bring it up and act like all he wanted to talk about was marriage and kids. I know for a fact he just used to say it to try and make me feel better or avoid an argument by making me smile, but didn't actually mean it.
I'm not saying that your situation is the same but at the same time be aware that guys can be manipulative. Think of it this way, a girl can manipulate a guy to do what she likes in sexual ways. Well guys can manipulate girls in emotional ways.
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A
female
reader, Karmaki +, writes (8 August 2014):
Karmaki is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, it is true I had these issues way before I ever got pregnant. Been a problem since childhood. My parents split when I was just five. I was trapped living with my father who'd mentally and physically abuse my sisters and I. My older sister had a different mother than me, so after awhile she moved in with her mother. My younger sister and I shared the same mother and were unable to live with our mom because my dad had used my mother's past as a way to keep us from her for the longest time. Back when she was young she was a drug addict and it took her years of theraphy and rehab to get well. She never did any drugs when she was pregnant, thankfully. It was mostly afterwards because my dad used to beat her.
Anyways I was always shy and reserved. When my dad got in one too many car accidents and was in too much pain to move, the physical abuse stopped, besides maybe once in awhile if we didn't move away fast enough, we'd be smacked in the face or something. The mental abuse got worst. He would consently tell my sister and I that we were worthless and going to amount to nothing. I'd spend days in my bedroom, just to avoid him.
I had went to the school many times about his abuse over the years and children in youth was even called on him several times, but he got away with everything by using things like his car accidents as an excuse as to why he snapped.
I know I should be in theraphy, but I just can't afford it. My insurance just barely covers my prenatal visits and my inhauler for my asthma. I don't have the extra money at the time to afford a therapist. :/
I've been trying to manage my depression on my own and when I work I do a good job at faking a smile. When I get home I'll go to my room and just cry the rest of the night.
I think that is one reason why my boyfriend wants us to live together before the baby is born. He knows there will be days when I won't be able to care for the baby on my own. He has tried to reinsure me that he will help me out the best he can during those dark moments, and honestly it does help when he holds me and rubs me back, but it is only temperally.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 August 2014):
 I think Wiseowl E has got it right!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): The probability of getting pregnant using hormonal birth-control in conjunction with a condom are roughly 0.12%! You are a miracle baby, and the baby you are carrying makes that X2. That is, if you used both methods consistently and properly.
That aside, I think he has to use a trigger-word when you go into your "dark" moods. He feels he has to give you reassurance, assuming the moods are due to your hormones and fear of his abandonment. He seems to be in a tough place. In both instances, with the mothers of his children; he has to deal with moodiness and insecurity. He knows how to pick them. He's too immature, and places himself in very adult situations.
You must seek therapy for the sake of your health, and that of the baby. You may dive into postpartum depression; which can lead to a number of disturbing changes in your behavior.
I am surprised you don't mention whether you are in already in therapy, or have even attempted to seek it. You're going to be a mother!!! You have to be in top physical health, and in your strongest state of mental-health. The baby's health and safety depend on it!
Your hormonal-swings are typical of pregnancy. Deep and frequent bouts of depression are not. You must mention this to your doctor.
Your boyfriend is a layman trying to handle your changing moods; which are symptomatic of your pregnancy, or your mental-health. Or, the combination of both. He feels he is the source of your depression; so he thinks you fear he might run out on his responsibilities. You are a handful at the moment. That's not your fault. Not at all! I seem tough, but I am a straight-talker. I don't beat around the bush. I have your best interest at heart, and will speak to you as an intelligent adult.
I think you were maybe a little insecure to begin with; prior to your pregnancy. After-all, his batting average isn't the highest with credibility, and success with relationships. I am more concerned about you, and the situation the child will be born into; than your concern about your boyfriend's obsession with the word "marriage." You are the wonderful living and breathing vessel nurturing a precious fetus, and the baby's very survival depends on you. Your state of mind is very very important.
I think you're over-thinking what he means by it. He is only being reassuring, and he wants you to know he isn't going anywhere. He has to repeat it frequently, because you go in to these moods so often. What is he to do, when you never seem to believe him? Don't let it scare you. If you never want to marry him, that is your prerogative. That is the future, you live in the present.
He isn't the problem. You need to seek help with your depression and your doctor should be paying close attention to your physical and mental-health throughout your pregnancy; if he or she is worth that plaque they hang on the wall. If you don't discuss your strange-feelings and
off-moods to your medical-health professional, you endanger your health and that of your fetus.
Talk to your doctor. It's not your boyfriend you have a problem with. He can't marry you until you're ready. He can mention it until the cows come home. I think he just doesn't know how to deal with your moods. If he's just a guy in his early 20's, what experience does he have to draw from? He is also scared you may leave him, and take the baby with you. I think he wants to keep you together as a family-unit; whatever it takes to make everyone happy.
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