A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:If three mature women are friends for a few years and one of them stops speaking completely to the other (actually the one who she was friends with in the first place, before the other came along) is there any onus at all on the third friend to discuss or even mention what has happened with the other two friends?I ask because I was friends with two women, very close, and am still close friends with one. But the other one, who I was friends with first, steadily backed off out of seeing me personally and then suddenly there was no contact at all. I know that the other friend still sees her, but she has never mentioned at all what's happened, as if there is a rule in our friendship that no-one must speak of the other one.But the thing is, not only do I feel I've been badly treated by the first friend who now has no contact with me at all, it's been about a year since I last saw her and the second friend, who I meet with regularly, has never once mentioned what's happened - so it's just making me feel very strange...I respect that friends don't want to talk about one another behind their backs, but at the same time it feels a bit weird to totally ignore that such an upsetting thing has taken place. I did absolutely nothing to fall out with this first friend, and it bothers me that the second friend may somehow think we had a 'fall out' when in fact it was just the first friend increasingly ignoring me and then cutting contact completely.I'm also aware that the first friend must have told some other (peripheral) friends not to contact me - now and again I would hear from her friends who I'd met from time to time, just inviting me if they were having an exhibition opening, or asking for a small bit of advice about something. Now it's very obvious I've been cut from people's mailing lists completely.Any advice please? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 August 2014):
 Oh me, I too confused to respond. Who's on first? No, that's What. What's on third. I give up. Sorry but I got lost in the what if part. Good Luck on finding out who did what first and to whom it was done.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): There appears to be a virus within your circle of friends.
It just may be the one you still talk to. She doesn't mention the friend MIA; because she may have something to do with the fact that she is missing in action. It's mature and fair to explain to a friend any differences you have. It makes no sense to abruptly end a relationship without an explanation; unless someone has hurt you badly.
It is odd that you've allowed all this time to go by without "visiting" your missing friend, to have a talk and find out what caused you to part. Don't ask anyone else about the other, go directly to each one individually.
It isn't a good idea to speculate in these cases; because you may completely miss the mark. There is always a poisonous person who injects themselves into social circles. They come-off as so nice and friendly, but they're toxic. Snakes full of venom and deception.
That is why you must speak one on one with each individual friend. Invite them out to lunch only to extend an olive branch, and to determine what it is you've done and how you both can work it out. DO NOT GO AND START POINTING FINGERS AND BE ACCUSATORY. Bringing up names. Keep your accusations to yourself. You're on a fact-finding mission. Draw conclusions based on facts. Not crap drummed up in your head. Don't let suspicion and resentment override your self-control and judgement. You're rebuilding bridges, don't burn them for good! Be yourself. Be calm. Just enjoy a day together without jumping on the information your want, it's easier to get the truth from someone who isn't on the defensive. Actually enjoy being together. They may just volunteer the information you need. Just be yourself.
Talking about this one to that one, will only band you from the group for good; because it may have been said you did or said something that you didn't. So don't inadvertently prove a lie to be true. Poisonous-people like to steal friends, and cause dissension in order to manipulate the minds of the dissenters within a the group. This is a test of real friendship. Real friends are not that easy to sway.
These poisonous people are narcissistic. They feed on common human weaknesses: envy, prejudice, and vanity.
When people turn on you without a reason, they were influenced by an outside source who is working behind your back. So you go directly to the people who've turned on you and find out why? If their explanation makes no sense, then they were never loyal and good friends to begin with.
That saves you the trouble of cleaning house. Real and loyal friends come to you first, before bailing out on you. If the one who still talks to everyone else was a real friend, she'd try to mend fences; and bring the group back together. Don't you think?
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