A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Long story short I have been with my boyfriend since I was 16 years old. We had our daughter at 21 and I moved in with him and his mom. First 2 years I didn't work and took care of my daughter. For 5 years now I have been working and paying rent and my bills. His mom pays rent and so does my BF. Now we arr getting kicked out of where we live due to the landlord doesn't want to rent to anyone anymore but the his mom is always saying no to what we choose and she has last opinion. I'm going to be 30 years old this year. I don't want to move where she has chosen but I do fear having his mom as a enemy and my BF not defending me for my choices. Anthor thing these past 8 years living with her have not been easy she does criticize the way I raise my kids or do certain things. She very opinionated. My 2nd relay on his mom a lot he on and off employment and his a good dad but financially we won't be able to move out without his mom but he says give hima year but I feel like I heard this before and I just want freedom I have no help with the kids I pay my own rent and bills. And his mom always eyeballs me when I wear something new or my kids. I need help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2021): You mentioned your boyfriend is frequently out of work. You also mentioned you have a daughter, then twice pluralized that by mentioning "kids." Apparently his mother fills-in for his unstable history of employment. You now work, but be reminded that you've been reliant on his mother as a an added source of income to sustain your family, in-between his jobs. Your boyfriend's unreliable work-ethic, and the implication that all your incomes combined didn't allow you two to get your own place before you brought a child(or children) into the situation; gave him more reason to keep his mother around. Plus, she needs his/your help. She took you both in with a kid (kids); so one good turn deserves another.
You mention nothing of your own family. If you've lived with his mother all these years; I would assume you're estranged from your own family. Hopefully, one or both of you have finished high school, and went to college. This increases your earning-potential; and in the event he becomes a stay-home dad, you should be able to pay the bills. If you find yourself a single-mother, you'll need to earn enough to provide shelter and support for your daughter (kids) and yourself.
Bide your time until you are economically/financially independent. Able to support your family on a single income for short periods. You may need his mother's help only temporarily. My guess is he is going to include her, and you have little to say about it. You're not his wife.
Stand-up for yourself when you're unduly or unnecessarily criticized. If she gets too involved in your business; politely ask her to mind her own business. If she has too much to say about how you raise your kids; remind her that YOU are their mother. If you know she's right; it would behoove you to heed good-advice. Grandparents are a support-system, and older-women are a good source of advice for child-rearing. Unless your own mother is a proactive alternative; she has been your second-mother for at least the last eight years! Remember, you moved-in with her and her son! You could have moved-in with your own parents.
Neither you nor your boyfriend have grown-up. He still relies on his mother to take care of him. You've been somewhat adopted and treated like a daughter; so you also seem to rely on her added income. Living with his mother for eight years is a long time, my dear. I venture to speculate, that had it not been for his mother's added presence in your lives; maybe you two may not have been together as long as you have. You seem to find fault with his mother; but you don't place much responsibility on your boyfriend. It seems you both seem to cater to his needs. He works if and when he wants to. He's not going to abandon his mother, who is presently homeless! As it seems to be the case for all of you!
You need to convince "him" to grow-up, to find a steady-job; and take supporting his family seriously. He has to be your partner, and a reliable source of income; otherwise, you may as well be a single-mother supporting your own kid(s). You spoke nothing of whether either of you attended college. Job prospects are going to be shaky or few-and-far-between during the pandemic closures. That's true regardless of your level of education, work-experience, and job-skills!
Older-women who are experienced with raising children, especially grandmothers, will criticize and judge your child-rearing skills. That's a given. They don't even have to live with you. If they can see, they will judge. As far as eyeballing your clothes, or new purchases...when will you be grown-up enough to remind her you're an adult, and what you do with the money you've earned is your business? You only need to be firm when she is overcritical and nosy. Otherwise, maintain a respectful attitude, she's just making sure you're being thrifty. She knows your financial-situation firsthand! In any event, you can buy for yourself or your child(ren) whatever you wish; just like she does for her son. If she is concerned about finances, suggest that she talk to her son!
She is probably ready to live on her own as well, but wants to be sure you, her son, and her grandchild(ren) are able to do it all on your own. She may only want to live with you; until she can afford to live by herself. She knows she can't live with you forever.
You've got to determine how serious HE IS is about moving-out on his own, supporting a family, and if he is committed enough to want to continue living with you in a partnership? That means being free from his mother's presence and influence over your lives. The only way to know is to ask him!
Now may not be the most convenient time. You are getting put-out, and he's not working. Finding a decent place for children and affordable rent might be difficult right-now. Landlords will be stringent about your ability to pay the rent during these economic times! Unless you can find a place you think you can afford on just your income. Hopefully, somewhere relatively safe and decent enough to raise children. You may find that you may still need his mother's help. Kids need a good school and a safe neighborhood.
You might want to avoid having more kids; until you know what's going-on in his head regarding having a family, and a long-term live-in relationship with you. He may choose mom over you!
Asking him to abandon his mother during a pandemic, and after she gave you two shelter, is a pretty strong request at this time.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (18 January 2021):
 Its understandable that you want your freedom, for it to be just your boyfriend and your daughter as a family unit.
Maybe the landlord wanting his house back is the ideal opportunity to set up home with out his mother.
Have you both done your homework and set out a plan and worked out your expenditures to see if you can afford it without his mother contribution?.
Maybe that's the reason his Mum wants to cling on because she is realising that she won't be able to manage without you and your partners contributions.
I think communication is key here, you need to sit down and disuss with your boyfriend your ultimate future plan. I'm sure your boyfriend also does not want to live with his mother for ever either.
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