A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last week, I told my boyfriend I'm going to get my hair colored for the first time. I showed him photos to get his opinion. After I settled on a style, he said he wanted to treat me to get my hair done. I told him he didn't have to do that and it will be at least a couple hundred dollars. He said he knows and that's ok as he wanted to treat me to something. I thought it was a very sweet gesture.Yesterday, I made the hair appointment and he asked me how much it would be. I told him I was quoted $200 and he said it's too expensive and he thought it would be about $100. I said that I already told him the price and he was ok with it. He replied that I didn't tell him and that he honestly thought it would be around $100 and that $200 was too much, sorry. I'm keeping the appointment because I want to do my hair anyway but felt disappointed that he did not keep his word. I was clear when I told him the price.Then today, he asked our friends where to buy a toy set for his 3 year old niece. It will cost about $75-$150 depending on which he chooses.Am I right to feel hurt? I know the two are not related and it's not a competition (I adore his niece) but I can't help but feel disappointed. I feel petty but it still matters to me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 April 2017):
 I totally agree with the lady who said that she would find it unsettling too but she doesn't really know why. My thoughts exactly!
This isn't about the money, it isn't about competing with the child or being jealous of her, it's not even like you were banking on him to pay. It's like being promised something nice when you haven't even asked for it and then having it snatched away from you in pettiness. THAT is what rankles.
You didn't *want* him to pay, you didn't *expect* him to pay and you didn't even think he'd offer. You were just having a normal conversation with him and he volunteered to give you the money. Later, not only did he back out, he also shamed you for asking for too much which was very very cheap of him.
OP you shouldn't feel petty, HE should.
Right, so take this as a lesson learned and keep finances completely separate from your relationship. From now on, ensure that each of you pays for yourself and tell him clearly that you have learnt this the hard way. You were made to feel bad about money and now you will ensure that this will never happen again.
However?, don't rake up the issue of the child's present or he'll just use that to make you feel petty and you'll lose your ground and the whole issue will become about something else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): So is he not giving you anything towards it? Maybe he misunderstood you (even though I'm sure he didn't), but I think if he wanted to treat you and thought it would be a hundred, he could at least offer you that much towards it.
I wouldn't be hurt that he wants to buy his niece a toy (I think that is great), but I expect someone to honor their words. I want to feel like if someone tells me something, I can trust that they will follow through.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 April 2017):
 I don't think you're wrong to feel hurt by this. Sure, a gift to a kid is different, but you're not saying he should take the money for the gift and use it on you! That's not what bothers you, so don't feel petty. What bothers you is that is clearly does not prioritize you. He told you he wanted to treat you, so he did something sweet and made you feel happy, and then he TOOK IT AWAY. He hurt your feelings. You were clear to him about the price. And if he has a small budget, he should have asked more specifically about the cost rather than just "guess at 100". Even though you did tell him it would be more. So he is backing out last minute, and that's both hurtful and cheap. And then he goes and spends a load of money on the kid, who is not even old enough to tell the difference between something expensive and something cheap, and would be just as happy if someone gave her an empty bottle to play with.
I get it. I don't think it's petty at all, because I had similar things done to me by an ex. Except in his case, he didn't spend money on his niece, but on his friends. He appeared to somehow always have money for them, yet could never afford to do anything with me. At first when I started dating him I thought it was charming how generous he was with his friends, but it turns out he just had TERRIBLE budgeting skills and terrible prioritizing skills. His friends always came first, or whoever fast the first to ask him would be first. He once even gave around 150 dollars to a beggar in the streets, who just happened to ask him! It would have been a nice act of a good samaritan, if only he could have actually afforded it. But he couldn't afford it. He had to always borrow money from his parents, even couldn't afford to buy Christmas presents because he had no money. He had a good income! A really good income! But he wasted all his money.
So I get how it makes you feel, when you get your hopes up, or especially when you are promised something. You don't need it, but you get your hopes up. And then you are disappointed. And then you are reminded that he didn't let you down because he could not afford it, he let you down because he wants to use his money on other things instead. Which just makes you feel like you're not a priority at all.
I don't know him and your relationship, and this episode alone isn't much to judge him by. But if this is typical, I would keep it in mind as a very bad character trait. It means he does not keep his word, it means he does not know how to budget his money or make priorities. If he has enough great qualities to make up for it, then ok. But I have come to find that being on the same terms when it comes to finances is crucial for a successful long term relationship. And being able to keep your word and not let me down is ALSO important. If promises are broken, and if you are let down too often, you will stop trusting him. And when there is no trust, there is no relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): You were all ready to pay for your appointment yourself and you don't really care about how much he's spending on his niece, so this question is really about the fact that he offered something, offered it and then changed his mind when he found out the price. Although you'd already clearly told him. He should have made sure about the cost before he offered to pay. This is what normal behaviour is, in my opinion.
If I had offered to pay for something for someone and it turned out to be more than I had expected, then I would pay for it anyway because my word is my bond. And if money is a problem, then I would sure as hell make sure I could afford it, before promising a nice present to someone and then refusing.
This isn't about the money obviously, it's about the behaviour. I would NEVER raise someone's hopes before making sure I can carry through.
I am the most independent woman you'll ever find. I run my own business, have my own house, pay everything and do everything myself and would never expect help or money from others. Nor would I want it. And I ain't no spring chicken either.
But if my boyfriend did this to me, I would find it unsettling too. And I can't put my finger on why either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): Uhm...why are you jealous of a three year-old child?
You shouldn't have even brought the matter of his niece into this situation.
He has every right to resend the offer if he felt it cost too much; if he was also planning to by the toy set for his niece. So, he over extended himself! He owes you an apology for that.
All of this would have been over if you had just accepted the $100 and paid the difference. Be gracious and accept the offer of $100, if it's still on table.
That is, if you haven't fought about it; and shown your ingratitude and disappointment after realizing the amount he would spend on the child. Totally separate matter, by the way!
I would just dismiss this whole mess. I don't think it should damage your relationship and get blown out of proportion. You can hold a grudge about it if you like; but it will also reflect on you how you go about handling this situation.
I don't compare how much my boyfriend spends on me compared to others. He has a very generous spirit. He's rich, but he doesn't owe me sh*t! I value him over his money or what he can give me. If he lost every dime, I wouldn't let go of him!
I've got the boyfriend, his love, he trusts me; and he showers me with "stuff" all the time. I won't let money bring conflict between us. That's how I see it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): The question here could he have afforded to pay the $200? As a guy if in such situation I would have coughed up the $200 if I could afford it, as promise is a promise, but next time I would have been more careful with my promises.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2017):
 I wouldn't compare either.
Him buying a present for his niece is a whole other matter. So don't USE that as an "argument" because it makes YOU look petty and entitled. Imagine if he did that to a little kid?!
Do I think you have the right to feel disappointed? Of course!
If he has a habit of making promises and then renege, that it's a BAD pattern. And I don't mean only promises that involved money.
If someone WANTS to seem generous and then decide:" I can't really afford that" - they shouldn't make promises. It's that simple. YOU gave him the details of the price and he might either not have paid attention or hoped that you were exaggerating. My husband seems to think a haircut costs $20 no more - because he had his hair done at the barber on a military installation for 20+ years lol. So when our oldest had her hair, cut, dyed and styled he almost choked at the $120 price. BUT he had PROMISED her to pay and that SHE could choose what she wanted done to the hair.
Good for you for doing it anyway, and paying for it yourself!
And next time he offers to pay something expensive for you, tell him no thanks.
I can't stand people making promises and then either "change" the rules or find excuses as to why they can't/won't fulfill the promises. I've had to tell my husband many many times to NOT make promises (especially to the kids) if he doesn't INTEND on keeping it.
Words are CHEAP, OP (and maybe so are your BF... lol)
"It's NOT your words alone that define you but your ACTIONS."
Enjoy your hair appointment and don't let this dampen your spirits.
IF this is an ONE off from him, where he promised you something and didn't follow through, I'd let it go. If it's a pattern? I'd lower my expectations A LOT.
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