A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I would appreciate some advice about my situation with my boyfriend. We've been together for four and a half years and always been long distance only seeing each other on weekends. I always go to see him because I still live at home and he has his own place so we have privacy.Lately we've been arguing a lot and my bf has become really angry and loses his temper easily. During arguments he swears a lot, mostly the F word. I have told him numerous times that it bothers me and I used to feel he respected my feelings on the issue and tried to limit his swearing in front of me. About five weeks ago though we had two huge arguments about really silly things. The first was because he thought I'd been “scowling” at him. I was just a bit sad about something and I hadn’t even realised I’d been scowling. Anyway, he screamed and swore repeatedly at me.The second time was because he asked me to promise I wouldn’t make him wait at the train station. Now, trains leave from his station every half an hour. When we leave from his house we leave well in advance and I always make the train, but if we are out sometimes I just miss the train because of traffic or something and I have to wait for the next one. I know thirty minutes is a long time, but we’re not going to see each other for a week and we always want a bit more time to kiss and say goodbye. We sit in the car, with the heating on and just cuddle and kiss and the time seems to go faster because we’re talking. Before, my bf never seemed to have a problem with this and actually enjoyed our last minutes together. Lately, he just seems eager for me to leave as early as possible and this really hurts. I make an effort to go and see my bf practically every weekend and I travel nearly two hours each way. I know he wants to work, (he has his own business) and I totally support him. I give him his space and do my own thing when he's busy.However, as I usually come at four on Saturday and leave about the same time on Sunday and we also don't really talk during the week, he has the majority of the weekend and the whole week to do whatever he wants. I feel like he finds spending time with me to be a chore and he just takes me for granted.So, he got really angry when I said I couldn't make the train. He started screaming at me and swearing repeatedly. When I asked him to calm down he swore even more and mocked me. I felt he was deliberately trying to hurt me because he didn't stop swearing and actually made fun of me. I felt that he was attacking me and blaming me. It also seemed he was saying that he was bored with me.He blamed me for the whole argument saying he was sorry I was crying, but I brought it on myself because I “broke my promise”. Then he got upset when I didn’t kiss him goodbye. I said if I did kiss him it would give the impression that everything was fine. He started saying that was his “punishment”. I felt that he was being immature and treating me like a parent.I also feel that my bf always dismisses my feelings. When I try to tell him how I feel, he becomes really condescending. He acts like I’m being silly and says things like “mmm-hmm” or “yeah right” in a scornful tone of voice. When I’m crying he is really insensitive saying things like “are we done now?”Also, every time we argue he says "Let’s break up". He always assumes that because we've had an argument it’s the end. The whole thing is really getting me down - it seems like he's always thinking about breaking up.It has been five weeks since we argued and we haven't seen each other at all. We have spoken only once and that was because I called him. He said he didn't feel like speaking and still seemed upset. He said that over the last year his feelings have changed and he's stopped loving me. But if that's true I don't understand why he has been acting like he does love me - we went on holiday together in July and he said he feels closer than ever to me, he got me a Valentine's Day card and present and the last time we saw each other he said he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Also, back in November I was feeling really ignored and I said I wouldn't be coming to see him anymore but I didn't want to break up - I told him he could come and see me. He interpreted that as us breaking up and was really upset telling me that he can't live without me. We got back together but then things got worse ending in our two arguments. My bf says he wants to be friends but I don't know if I can see us being friends because I just keep thinking that even friends don't treat each other like that. I just don't understand why he couldn't talk to me and tell me how he felt. Then we could have stayed on good terms. He's treated me so horribly and I am still finding it hard to cope. I don't recognise my bf, he's changed so much and I feel like the person he was that weekend was not the person I fell in love with. I still really love him and I’m so confused and hurt because I thought he loved me. I’ve seen him angry before, but not like this. I’m in complete disbelief. I just look at him differently now. I feel that he doesn’t love me and doesn't respect my feelings. Also we haven't spoken since that time we spoke three weeks. He texted me saying he'd call me soon but he still hasn't. He put an x on the end. Do you think this means he still cares? I just don't get it.So I guess I have three questions: is it really over? And if it is why couldn't he have just talked to me instead of being so horrible to me? And if he's really stopped loving me over the last year then why did he always say he did and act like he did? Thanks everyone for reading.
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fell in love, got back together, immature, long distance, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (30 March 2012):
Hi. Perhaps he is trying to let it be over by not contacting you.
Maybe that is his way.
Rather than just coming right out with it and saying that he doesn't think it's working anymore.
He's just going through the motions instead, it seems.
And it appears he is leaving it up to you to simply assume it must be over. Just by leaving it for a few weeks with no contact.
It would have been much more considerate and respectful to you, for him to be upfront and honest. It's not like it only just happened, is it? It's been virtually ongoing.
However, he isn't man enough to to that.
The thing is though, if he was totally honest with you, at least you would know.
At the moment, you really DON'T know, you're only guessing.
And that is very selfish of him.
If he changed his mind about the relationship, he should have come clean ages ago.
It seems he has very little respect for you. And that's just NOT on, at all.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 March 2012):
 yes dear, it's really over.. don't drag it out and beat a dead horse...
he couldn't tell you because HE didn't want to be the bad guy but he figures if he treats you badly you will leave him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. The thing is he is not getting in touch with me at all - not by phone, text, email. I haven't heard from him in a month and tbh I don't think I will. I think this is his way of breaking up - not getting in touch. I do agree we need to talk though and if he doesn't call I will have to call him at some point anyway - because I still have some stuff at his - but I think when we do talk it will be a post break-up talk.
It seems obvious that it's over because otherwise he would've gotten in touch. I don't think he's happy (he acts really unhappy) and he's already said he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. Even if he wants to get back together though, I don't think I want to anymore. My heart's just not in it and i'm always going to be wondering if he really loves me. I also feel that if I go back to him I'm saying it's ok to treat me that way and it's not.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (27 March 2012):
Hi. Perhaps the next time he calls you, and if you decide to see him, you could say to him - once you get home and settle in - that you would like to talk about something that is worrying you.
DO wait until you get inside the door and sit down. DO NOT announce your intention on the way home.
Then that will be the time to say that you don't communicate well with each other - when you're at his house.
Or rather, that there seems to be a complete LACK of communication once you are home from being out together.
Tell him honestly, exactly what you think about the relationship now and how things have changed.
Say also, how when you are both at home at his place, how it seems you are ignoring each other, and that that's not how it ought to be.
Then ask him - "Are you happy?"
This will then be an opportunity for him to come clean, as to where he stands in the relationship right NOW.
By saying how you feel about everything, it is opening the door for some totally honest communication between you.
It will be an ice breaker. And it's definitely a excellent place to start.
This is a process, that seems to be very much overdue.
By you opening up to him first, that will encourage him to do the same.
It's absolutely imperative that this communication takes place, sooner rather than later.
Don't delay it for one single day longer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks so much for all the replies. Yes, I suppose I have been stupid, but I really thought that we loved each other.
He does have a car but he usually comes by train to see me. The thing is though because I still live at home and we feel uncomfortable with him sleeping over because my parents house is so small he only comes for one day and we wander around London and then we either go back to his together or he leaves alone and we see each other next weekend. He has stayed over at my house a few times but my parents were away then. I always go to his because he has a big house and we have privacy.
So yes, I suppose that I have been the one doing all the giving. He used to appreciate me though and everything I did for him, lately I feel he's just become completely selfish and doesn't think about my needs.
Dorothy Dix - I guess we have fallen into a routine. We do go out when I'm over there and we have a good time, but a lot of the time I just feel like he takes me out because he feels a duty to and he can't wait to get back onto his computer. He always seems to think that an hour or two out is enough whereas it's too little for me. I know it's quality not quantity but once he gets home he just ignores me and that's why I want to spend more time being out. Also, I often feel like he just can't wait for me to leave and that makes me sad so he feels like I'm unhappy and wants to spend even less time with me. We usually do the same things - restaurants, cafes, cinema so it gets quite boring. When we don't go out, we spend a lot of time apart - him on his computer, me on the laptop or studying.
We mostly argued because the way he treated me - the swearing and screaming, money (he can be quite stingy) and also that I feel he takes me for granted - I come to see him and he just wants to spend time on his computer and can't wait for me to leave. I don't mind him having alone time, but like I said in my original post he has a lot of time to himself during the week.
I think I already knew deep down that it was over. Maybe I just didn't want to accept it.
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A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (21 March 2012):
 If it's not over now I think it will be soon. His behaviour towards you has changed so much in that he swears AT you rather than in front of you. That is disrespectful. You can see the changes happening in front of you. He is giving off all the signals of wanting to end this relationship. By treating you bad he hopes it will make it easier to break up with him. Do yourself a favour and let him go.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (21 March 2012):
Hi there. Perhaps what is really the problem, is that he is getting tired of it being long distance.
Every time you have seen each other, it has to be all crammed into 2 days.
And then there's nothing until the next weekend, and the next and the next.
It might be feeling to him, like just a routine.
Because it's always been you putting yourself out for him - by going to his house - you are really the only one doing all the giving, aren't you?
The only "giving" he does, is picking you up from the railway station and the then taking you back there on the following day.
It's slightly imbalanced, wouldn't you say?
And because of this you are probably feeling some resentment towards him. You also might be wishing that he did more for you.
It's probably really no wonder that he does feel a little tired of things.
There may not seem to be much variety to it all, as far as he's concerned anyway.
And then once you get back to his house, over the weekend, do you go out together and do things?
Or, do you simply stay home and watch tv?
The arguments which regularly come up for both of you, could be:-
(1) For Him - The monotony of picking you up and dropping back, and that he's bored with the routine.
(2) Neither of you really know where the relationship is going.
(3) Neither of you know what you want from the relationship now, after 4 and a half years.
(4) A high level of uncertainty by both of you, and wondering if you are both wasting your time now.
There seems to be a lot of boredom and monotony going on here, wouldn't you say?
Probably for both of you, really.
It could even be that it is now time to move on, and start a new life.
It does seem like it's winding down to a halt.
And in answer to your question - "Why did he keep saying he loved you and acting like he loved you?"
He probably still does love you, but isn't sure if he wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you.
Perhaps he's deciding where he now stands.
I wouldn't be calling him or texting him anymore now. Let him call you instead, if he's going to.
Even if it gets to be a month or two, still don't contact him in any way. Just leave it.
And perhaps you were feeling very insecure about if you were wasting your time, and so that made you rather anxious and unable to relax and have fun.
And if that was the case, well then each time you left for the train on the Sunday, he might have only had memories of the two of you arguing all the time. Those are not very happy memories, are they?
And then maybe each weekend was almost exactly the same as the previous weekend.
If on the other hand, you had fun and made each other laugh, enoyed each other's company and talked about lots of interesting stuff together, that would give him some great memories. Which he would undoubtedly want to repeat, again and again.
Ideally, you want your time together to always be happy and joyful and fun. NOT talking and arguing over silly things and you crying and getting upset over some misunderstandings you have had.
Those are all negative, sad memories. It's like wasting the whole weekend, isn't it.
It must feel like that to you sometimes, and wondering why you even bothered to get on the train to go and see him in the first place!
Anyway, some food for thought.
Other clues to you, when you are with each other, is:-
- What are the things you mostly fight about?
- Are they consistently about the very same things?
They are probably some insecurities you both have. You might need to read between the lines to find the answers.
Perhaps it's not being able to see each other during the week, so it's a bit of loneliness for you both.
Another important point, is he might be stressed about how his business is currently going. It could certainly add to the problem, for sure.
Perhaps also, the business might not give him much free time to simply enjoy life and chill out.
He might need to start some hobbies and actually get a life - outside of his business.
Everything plays a part.
It he's at all uptight about his business or some part of it, well then it will certainly affect every other part of his life in a negative way - including his relationships.
Especially his relationships!
Then any problems with a relationship will just exacerbate things even more!
One affects the other, affects the other.
So from now on - if and when he contacts you next - don't think about what has happened up until now, just live only in the present moment and stay happy and positive, and then your times together will be much happier for you both.
Concentrate only on creating happy memories, and DO NOT ever talk about old arguments. Let sleeping dogs lie.
And be as sensitive and emotionally supportive of his business and any problems he might be having, as much as possible.
DO NOT lend him any money though, because that could truly lead to all sorts of problems. So don't even offer him money. Just DO NOT go there at all.
Don't only be emotionally supportive of him and of his business, actually be genuinely interested in it and in him as well. Don't just pretend to be.
He needs to know you are right behind him all the way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): I'd have broken up with this complete joke of a man a long time ago & found someone worth being with...just saying!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): You are being an idiot.
Sorry to be harsh, but it's true.
This guy has no respect for you and will keep stringing you along. Straighten up and lose his number.
janniepeg hit the nail on the head several times in her answer to you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 In so many ways I think it is over. For 4 years it's mostly you visiting him. I assume he has a car and he has not been making the effort to visit you and your family. There are many things to do, many people to meet besides doing private stuff. He does not know how to communicate and does not listen. He has no plans for long term committment but does not know how to break it off. It doesn't seem like he is remorseful. He still acted like he loves you because he likes that you are in his life to please him when a lot of women would have left already. He knows that if he didn't act loving you would have broken up sooner, making him the bad guy. He is waiting for a time when he can point the finger on you, accumulating a list of your wrongdoings but deep down inside he knows that only you could love him like that that's why he's stringing you along.
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