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anonymous
writes: Dear CupidI have been in a relationship with a guy for the last 2 half years, the relationship has been fairly good, although, there has always been issues with sex. My partner is very sexualy inexperienced, having only been in 2 relationships before me. He finds this subject very difficult to talk about and although we had sex alot when we got together, it was always missionary position, quick on and off and that would be it leaving me feeling a little frustrated. I nevr really said anything because i didnt want to upset him.I had my suspisions though, that he was masturbating, when i once came home from work and found, shall we say very sticky tissue, it was plain to see what it was and was left next to our bed. I didnt mention it, but i was a little upset by this, but let it go.Recently, our sex life has really gone down hill and on more than one occasion, have found him to be arroused first thing in the morning, but turns me down when i come on to him. This happened the other day and was distraught to find, he had been careless enough to leave tissue next to the bed again. I felt like a total failure and confronted him when he came home, he went very red, and was very guilty. I wanted to talk about it, but he kept pushing me away, and swearing at me to go away and leave him alone. This resulted in a terrible argument, i was frustrated about him not talking to me, he will never talk about anything, ive tried to encourage him in the past and he just wont.While i was at work the next day, he packed his things and left me, without a note, a phone call or even a txt message, i didnt know where he was or if he was ok. When finaly he did text me, he said he didnt know if he is coming back.I do want him back, but i think he has left me as a scare tactic, i think he just wanted to get away from the situation,so he didnt have to talk, knowing that if he came back the subject would be dropped. But if we dont talk then there is no hope of us sorting this mess out.I really would value other peoples opinion, i know he has feelings for me, he wanted us to get engaged in february, but i cant understand why he would rather masterbate than have sex with me, if he didnt fancy me anymore he wouldnt be talking about engagement. What do i do? Is this relationship a lost cause??
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2005): Hi,Your letter struck a chord with me because it concerns a subject in which I have a fair amount of experience.I cannot answer or tell you whether or not to get back with your boyfriend. All I can offer is my impressions and opinions on his behavior. Be aware that the subject of sex in a relationship is almost always a point of contention, but you seem to understand that already.My thinking is that most men masturbate. I do feel guilty when I do it, especially when my wife comes looking for me later, looking to have some fun with me; by feeling "sapped", I feel like I let her down, like I've been selfish. I did admit to her on an occasion what I had done earlier, so she didn't think it was she who cause my less - than - stud-like performance.I feel like you've invested over 2 years with a guy who is extremely immature regarding his sexual relationship, or very insecure. By masturbating and carelessly leaving clues for you to find, it appears he is not at all concerned with your satisfaction and feelings. By over-reacting and swearing when questioned, he is demonstrating very clearly his immaturity; he is now embarassed, and has closed off by moving out. Do not regret confronting him - you had to, and now you know where you stand. Perhaps you need to let go of him for awhile - I think you deserve a healthier relationship then he is prepared to offer you.Cheers!
A reader, jeronomo , writes (14 January 2005): No offence or anything but I don't think your boyfriend will come back. It sounds more like what he's looking for, you just fall short of the measure of being able to give to him if you catch my drift. That's probably the reason he feels uncomfortable talking to you about it.Just a thought although I may be wrong but I doubt it! The only sure fire way you're going to be able to talk to him about it is to confront him when he's vunerable... You may find he will be more willing to be open with you.
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