A
female
age
36-40,
*aithful000lol
writes:Hi everyone. The matter I'm going to talk about is: Faithfulness! (oh yeah old issue)*** Brief of the matter: I've just found out he often visits Facebook page of a sexy party clubbing young girl; and sometimes leaves comments, link of song, flirting her as a hobby or a kind of entertainment, like many other men do the same on her page.There are about 1600 people on his friend list, but he very rarely visits or comments on people pages. Except to me (his new current girlfriend now), a Korean cute young girl (he used to teach her when he was in Korea, but seems no longer notice her any more since he's back to the US now), and another Korean girl - the sexy clubbing girl whom I'm talking about in this post now.I cried yesterday, gave up buying new sexy lingerie and new bed cover. My feeling for him, it seems to be ruined and frozen now...*** My question is - What should I do now? Tell him that I know about his flirting/paying attention to the sexy bikini girl, and ask him to stop it? Or ignore and sympathize for him? Or give up this relationship? (I need loyalty! I might become a single mother in the future since I get hurt. I don't trust men.. Geeeeee)*** More details: Me and him have known each other for one complete year, since Oct last year from a dating website. Surely, we both got to the website for a serious relationship. In the one whole year, we had thick and thin times. (No contact for 6 months from March to Sept, because I had been in a relationship with a man and still kept it when I met him. That made him really mad and stopped talking with me for 6 months, it was my fault. But I decided to break up the old relationship completely soon after that, and just waiting for him the man I love for a long time). Finally in last September, we decided to reconnect. For two months since last Sept, we talk online everyday, and have just made a plan to meet each other in real life, and even also hope for a marriage in a near future since we feel we match each other.I'm 25, and he'll be 41 years old in next few days. He cares about my daily life, and seems to be very careful and serious. He loves me, because as he said, for I am serious, caring, lovely, loyal, and of course also pretty. I really do love him for his well education and kindness (I know for sure), and loyalty (I hope so).Loyalty - is very important to me in love. Without it, no romance, no love, even no sexual feeling to me. His age 41 is also one of the reason I choose to love him, because I think at that age he no longer wants to seek for other affairs, mostly when he has me as a young girlfriend now.A point here, I'm Vietnamese living in Vietnam, and he's American living in California. My parents are living in California too. I'll get to immigrate into the US soon under my parents immigration petition, so I'll live near him soon, in CA.Help me to make my mind free, please. I would be appreciative to you guys. Thanks!
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female
reader, Faithful000lol +, writes (1 November 2012):
Faithful000lol is verified as being by the original poster of the question @ Cindy: Video chat every evening! So I saw his driving license, passport, and business card already. I know his age, not 61 lol@ VeryConfused: I don't mind if he watches porn, because there are plenties of girls, not a special one, and no love. Porn is sometimes useful, for learning something which can be applied for the ones we love. The thing made me confused is he watches and shows interest in ONLY ONE sexy girl (although it's just entertaining, not serious feeling). But I decided to concern of the matter of the Korean bikini girl such a TV Show, that girl is such a MC of the show, his favorite TV show, that't it. Feel ok now. :)Anyhow, for 2 days offline no chatting, no replying his messages; I missed him, and he missed me too. So I came back today. Still keep the plan of meeting each other in person this Christmas time.I decided to just enjoy this feeling which I call love (when heart beats for real, then it's real). Don't care what it will be in the future... Why not care? :) Simply because, life is short. Just enjoy it. I've been spending 1 year for it so far (and at least still a couple of years more).Thanks ladies for your words. :)
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 I have so many red flags here that the girl in the bikini is the least of your problems.
IF all he does is like a girls pictures and post on her page now and then it’s probably harmless. But if it bothers you then it’s not harmless. Would you be upset to know he looks at porn? He probably does.
My bigger concerns are much like Cindy’s. While he may be 41 and single and a PhD candidate and a professor, he may not be the one for you… once you meet in real life, little things may begin to emerge that are hidden from view when conducting a relationship online.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 Ehm, not to be finicky, but, one year since last October , minus 6 months of total no contact, makes only 6 months of "relationship ", doesn't it ?....
And when I say , " you may find he's not whom you think ", I did not mean that he might be a fast food worker rather than a teacher, or be 61 rather than 41 ( albeit, bigger lies than these have successfully been told on dating sites ! )... just that his feelings and committment toward you, as well as his life values and future plans, may quite different than expected. Anyway, - you'll find that out pretty soon, and that's a good thing regardless.
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A
female
reader, Faithful000lol +, writes (31 October 2012):
Faithful000lol is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell CindyCares, thanks for your enthusiastic answer :)I will try to get a true and fair look on this matter. I don't look things dreamily, I don't judge harshly either.In evenings time in CA, he talks with me on video call from 8:30 or 9 pm to 10:30 pm, and reads book/does his work at the same time. He goes to bed at 10:30 pm, wakes up at 6 am to do exercise (he's just lost 10 pounds and now looking better than before), goes to school at 8:30 am. He always keeps that time track strictly, I know because I often get online to wish him a good day before going to work. Sometimes he helps me make English lessons on Powerpoint, sends me some patterns of student records to manage students info (I'm a teacher too, English for little kids). And for 1 year, not 6 months as you think, I believe he has a simple but strict timetable. I saw his business card, there's his name with the university name also; he's really teaching English at a school and studying a PhD program. In general, it's good.About a thousand of Korean and Japanese ex students, there are both boys and girls, the boys sometimes leave messages on his page, too. They added his Facebook because they saw his page from some students' pages. Asian students are very friendly and respectful to teachers (some students here even look at teachers as to parents). It's a very different style from American students. And in fact, he doesn't talk with the students, just the students sometimes leave a comment to ask how he is, how everything is, and say they miss a good teacher, that's all. He seldoms replies back, just said he's ok.*** The matter I'm considering now is about the Korean sexy bikini girl Facebook page. In 2 months, he left comments on the page 3 times, the 3rd time was a few days ago. He doesn't leave comments on it much, but I believe he often visits to look at it as a regular hobby. I've been still thinking of it, to find out a right conclusion. Is it acceptable???Any idea from men guys about this matter, please??? I haven't got any from a man.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 October 2012):
Sorry but my reply too can't be very encouraging.
First, you don't have a relationship so far, you have an on line fantasy. You just have been e-mailing each other for 6 months. You haven't met yet, you have no idea if there will be chemistry in person, and if you 'll be actually compatible in daily life. You have no way to know and check if all he told you about himself is true ( it seldom is, in these cases ). And even if he has been srupolusly sincere, it's the communication mean per se which bring people to give, and have, a limited, distorted vision of each person. One tends to exxaggerate, to overemote, to get carried away .... to say what the other person wants to hear, to play up what you might have in common and downplay the differences. Like, you say " I love dogs " and he- well, he does not actually HATE dogs .He can stand them if they belong to someone else.So he will say " Oh wonderful ! I love dogs ! Absolutely !"only to let you find out , in real life,... that he likes dogs in other people's houses only , but would never let you keep a dog when you live together.
6 months is not enough to know a person IRL, imagine on Internet.
Good thing, at least, that you are going to California anyway to join your parents, and not on purpose for him. But I would not have all these expectations if I were you, and most of all I'd reserve judgement until I have met him and known him much better.
This in general. Specifically, yes, there are quite a few red flags here. First of all, why do you think that at 41 he would not be sexually attracted to other women ? 41 is still a YOUNG man, ... and anyway this guy has chosen a hobby or interest that is more appropriated to a teenager, I don't know anybody in their 40's that are so rabid Facebookers. 1550 "friends " who are his students ?? and does this make it better in your view ? Teachers normally do not befriend their students on FB, it's very unprofessional. And if they are ex students... they would not care to be in touch with ALL the students. He wants to stay in touch with all 1550of them ? yeah right. I bet that a wide majority of them are female, young, Asian and cute. This guy sounds like he does not have a life,... and aslo, pardon me, as if he has some sort of " Asian fantasy ", not that it's a bad thing per se having a favourite type of woman, but , does he like you because you are YOU,... or because you are Asian, you know what I mean ?
As for the sexy bikini-clad Korean girl, if he was my man, I would not like that. And not because I am a particularly jealous or insecure type- I am not.Only, it would sound to me very juvenile , and sort of creepy, and wankerish, hasn't a PhD anything better to do with his time ? and, it is rather disrespectful too, who cares if is she is sexy, hot, cute etc... So are you !, or you should be in his eyes. I am not saying that he MUST only have eyes for you, heck he lives in Cali, he'll meet everyday dozens of perfect bodies, it's normal if he gives them a look and likes what he sees, being committed does not make one blind. But following a bikini girl fan page, like some sex obsessed teen groupie ? ...I doubt I'd have a lot of patience with that.
Moral, I am afraid that you are in for a rude awakening whne you get to Cali, and you'll find that your "mature " lover is not all he says he is and not all you think he is... ditto for his "love " for you.
Then again, you are not going there only to reach him, so at least you are not upturning your life just for this guy. But please do keep your eyes open.
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A
female
reader, Faithful000lol +, writes (31 October 2012):
Faithful000lol is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ladies for your ideas. I should tell more in detail about that man, so you can figure out about his life.
He's an American teacher of English. Born in Japan when his father was working there, then moved back to the US when he's 4 years old. His hometown is in Boston, his family is there till now. At the early age of 30, he came back to Japan to teach English and stay there for a few years, then he moved to Korea and stayed there for about 3 years. When he's 39, he had a Korean girlfriend and they planned to move to California, since the Korean girl wanted to live in a warm state with Asian communities. He came to California and started studying for a Ph Doctoral degree in Education in 2011. The Korean girl decided to break up with him, because she felt like he didn't spend enough time for her (as he said that). So he's stuck in California, but trying to finish his PhD degree in next year. For now he's both teaching part-time at an English center, and studying for the advanced degree in a university.
1600 people on his Facebook friend list, they are actually his old Korean and Japanese students. His family members, sisters, cousins, friends.. are no more than 50.
He said because he spent almost a half of his life in Asian countries, so he likes Asian women. His father used to be a doctor in the Vietnam war, and he used to travel to Vietnam in 2011. So after breaking up with the Korean ex girlfriend, living alone in California, in the county where there are lots of Vienamese people, he decided to get on a dating website and met me there. My family is in California, and I will move to there soon, so it's the reason making him attracted to me. He's planned to travel to Vietnam to meet me in this Christmas time - December.
*** Back to the Korean sexy clubbing girl. She's just kind of an entertainment for men. I see her Facebook page rather interesting. She's cute, lovely, sexy. Some pictures are even funny, like a cat. The status updates she writes on her page are interesting to read too. She makes men laugh and relax...
Now it's more clear. Please give me more replies. I need replies from both Women and Men. Thank you to all.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (30 October 2012):
 This guy has a lot of red flags. He is the last person you should be depending on to be loyal, he has already proved he isn't. He has some obsession with females online, normal men do not find Korean bikini clad women and message them compliments. It's weird. Plus he has 1600 "friends" this shows me that he likely has no life outside of the online world. Are you even certain of what this man looks like...? And when looking for a loyal man don't think because he is older and looking for a young girlfriend means he is loyal, in fact it's probably he opposite- he's looking for something sexual. Which says it all by his creepy following of a woman in a bikini he doesn't know. It screams desperation and sex obsessed. You haven't met him in person yet and the chances of this actually working are extremely slim. However if it does then be very aware of all his online activity. He likely has an obsession with porn and talking to outside women which won't go away. That's not a road you want to go down.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 October 2012):
 I don't think you can call this a very serious relationship as off yet because the both of you have not even met each other yet. I understand that you have both made a connection on the internet and you seem to have a lot in common, but really you both need to spend quality time together before you know if there is a future between you both never mind marriage. It also concerns me that you only want to be with this man because of his age, you feel the older he is the more likely it is that he will not be unfaithful, but that is just not how it works at all. My best advice to you would be to wait until you can move closer to him and spend some time with each other and see if there is a spark between you both. Trusting someone takes time and effort. You need to spend quality time with them to see what kind of person they really are and if you really want to be with them, therefore I would suggest you both do not get in to a serious relationship until you both spend time together. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): So you haven't actually met him yet?Why would him being over 40 mean he is no longer interested in other women?He has a lot of online 'friends' - does he live his life online?There are lots of women in California - why is he spending all his time talking to a stranger online across the other side of the world?It doesn't sound promising in any way. My advice would be to meet someone who lives a bit nearer. Even if you meet them online, at least meet them in the real world within a week or two. Otherwise it's just a fantasy relationship, unlikely to go anywhere. Sorry to be harsh but this guy sounds like a flake who is wasting your time.
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