A
female
age
41-50,
*enta
writes:I have been divorced for 3 yrs and I have two kids 4 and 13 I have been with my bf for two yrs. my xhusband and I had a two family home and when we divorced he lived in one half I lived in the other and I had the kids all day and he took them at night and they slept at his home. But during this time I spent the next two yrs at my bfs house almost everynight if my x had the boys and my bf never came to my house my x was not over me and I thought it was not right after 16 yrs of marriage to bring my bf here just yet until my xhusband was out for good. My x is military and now lives two hrs away so I have my kids sun-thurs and I have Fri and sat to myself but that means Sun-Thurs I am home with the kids so for months I ave been telling my bf what was going to happen and he was going to have to start coming over here and sleep at my place during these days. He assured me he would but this is my first week and he has come two days and he has more excuses that he has no work clothes here, he pulled his back at the gym he is home taking a muscle relaxer etc he has to drive 40 mins from my house to his work. When he lives ten mins from his job. When I was with him i saw him everynight and I got up drive home to my boys to take them to school and stay home with my 4 yr old. I could have been sleeping in every morining but since i loved him i did that drive for two yrs and I have no job to get up for. I said something to him the other night that if its gonna be like this it wont work and he went into how its going to take time he needs to get xtra clothes and he going back and fourth blah blahi see it as easy if you love me you would be here but clearly i have given him more than what he is willing to give me. i just feel like if he is pulling this BS so early on its not going to work. He lives in a place rent free so its not like he is paying for a place and leaving it empty. i just think he is setting the tone for whats to come and apparently he is ok not seeing me. Thoughts Thank you Jen
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divorce, military, muscle Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 March 2013):
 I have to be honest and say that
a. a ten minute morning commute beats a 40 minute commute any day of the week. I would drive ONE day a week from my now husband's home to my office and that would take about 2.5 hours it gets very wearing to have to commute a long distance every day.
b. maybe he's not comfortable staying in your home when your kids are there.... and I can't blame him for that.
c. YOU made the choice to stay with him and just assumed he would make the same choice for you. My husband lives in what he calls my home. Even though he just sunk 50k into redoing the entire house... he still says it's MY HOME and we have to sell it and move and get OUR HOME. I consider it OUR HOME but he does not. Maybe the fact that your home was your home with your ex is part of the issue?
YOu are being very black and white... IF YOU LOVE ME YOU WOULD BE HERE?
really? that's the only criteria?
A
female
reader, jenta +, writes (28 March 2013):
jenta is verified as being by the original poster of the question My bf does not feel its a bad example for him to be staying here. Staying with the kids father was a bad example that's why I left. It's ok to date and bring the man into the guys life if the two pp are serious about one another and know its the real deal. I would never bring a man in my home other wise
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 I don't think you canblame your bf if he is not eager to do the same cartwheels you did in order to spend all nights together. If you decided to do said cartwheels and go out of your way to spend any free moment with him, , that was your choice , because you wanted to ,- but he does not have necessarily to feel the same and want the same. And that does not mean that he is taking advantage, since as it is , he is spending weekends and two nights a week with you, so he is not acting indifferent or neglectful.
Maybe he is just more practical than you ( his motivations, closeness to his job, etc. sound quite reasonable to me ) , or more independent. Or, he is uncomfortable spending the night under the same roof with your kids for any of the reasons the anon male mentioned, or others.
I think that , as long as he is your boyfriend, he is entitled to do what a boyfriend does ,i.e. date , and still keep some reasonable space and time for himself .
If you two should decide to live together , then perhaps you could expect him to live a full time family life with you and your children. But until you haven't agreed upon that, it does not seem to me he is doing anything strange.
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A
female
reader, jenta +, writes (28 March 2013):
jenta is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been with this man for 2 1/2 yrs and he has met my children and we all get along. I waited a year and a half to have him meet my kids to make sure this was what I wanted an we were serious. My kids always have come first i am a stay at home mom for 13 yrs. The only reason why my c had them every night was because he was at work from 7 to 7 and needed to see them. Plus we knew at the end of a yr he was military and moving away and wouldn't see them. Your answer was cruel an judgemental. My children are my most concern and everyone's knows one another. I've done ever thing the correct way and waiting a yr and a half for the kids to meet a man is good. Good try on your answer
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Hi
He's had it easy,you doing all the running, for too long.Plus he lives rent free.Lucky man!
If he's really unwilling to make the effort to stop over at yours more then there's not alot you can do.
Is he used to having children around - it could be them thats putting him off but he doesn't want to say.
Or maybe he feels 2 nights at yours a week is enough,he must have his own friends and sport etc he wants to get on with,a life of his own,plus a job.
Give him a few more weeks to adjust to the new situation,if he doesn't change,or you don't, then have another talk.
If you see him on Friday and Saturday,he stops 2 nights at yours in the week, 4 nights is plenty of time together really and gives you both space for other things in your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): "i just think he is setting the tone for what's to come and apparently he is ok not seeing me. Thoughts."Maybe boyfriend thinks that it's not a good idea for an adult male to sleep under the same roof as two unrelated minor children, perhaps because it would setting a bad example for them or perhaps because they might be uncomfortable sharing intimate space with a person who is essentially a stranger to themor perhaps because they might resent some random interloper taking Daddy's place in Mommy's bedroom or perhaps because he doesn't want to give their father any reason to suspect that he is a pedophile playing up to a single mother in order to gain unrestricted after-hours access to her children or perhaps some/all of the above. If I was your ex-husband, I would think all of those reasons would be perfectly valid and I would applaud your boyfriend for his discretion and consideration for my children's feelings, especially given their mother's apparent lack thereof in putting her love life ahead of her children's emotional well-being and physical safety.
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