A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 8 months is completely ignoring me. It's been 5 days with no contact.We got into a stupid fight about him always wanting to do things on his schedule and him being inconsiderate towards me. I was trying to have a conversation but he blew up, got really defensive, and went on the attack. I asked if we could cool down and talk about it and he told me to get out of the car (we were in front of my building), and he'd cool down alone. He text me an hour later asking if I'd be OK getting to bed? (I guess that meant if I was ok). I text back "yes" and left it at that (meaning I'm OK, not a big deal). I didn't hear from him the next day and decided not to reach out since he needed time to cool off. The following day I sent a short funny email saying I hate fighting about something so stupid. Heard nothing back. I let another day pass, then text him saying I'm sorry and I miss you. Nothing. I called and he didn't pick up, so I left a message saying I haven't heard from you so I wanted to make sure you're OK, please call or shoot me a text. Nothing.Our fight happened Wednesday night, it's now Monday. We've never gone this long without talking. I'm of course, panicking and thinking he's done. I know I need to not contact him anymore and leave him be. How long should I wait before assuming we're done and this is his way of breaking up with me? Should I contact him again in a week or so?We've been getting along better than ever recently. Just last week he told me I'm not just his girlfriend, I'm his future and he's the luckiest guy in the world. I can't believe he'd walk away from me over one fight but he's stubborn and hates conflict. We're 28 and 31 if that matters. Help! :)
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 May 2013):
There is a segment of the male population who have a very low threshold for drama in a relationship. My very own brother is one of them. I have seen him completely cut off contact with a woman right after she starts giving him BS about anything. When I ask him about it he states something like - "Why reinforce the behavior?" or "Im in a relationship for relaxation and an escape, not BS and aggravation."
Right or wrong, thats the way he sees it, and the girls who stay with him the longest are the ones who give him the least grief. He may be in the minority, but he's definitely not the only one....
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Hi, I agree with the other advise given. He wants you to grovel so next time you dont fight with him, for fear of him ending the relationship.
It is in your best interest not to contact him again no matter how tempted as he is toying with your emotions.
Yes it is difficult but do you not feel you deserve to be treated better? So you decide how you want to be traeted.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Looool Men who can't diffuse easy situations like this with lack of emotion baffle me. It's about compromise and working a mutual agreement. Easy. Now get it right n stop being dramatic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): Sweetie, you're boyfriend is a childish, manipulative, controlling, abusive creep. His application of the silent treatment against you validates my claim, as he has you doing precisely what he wants you to do...weeping like a puppy dog for her master. Sweetie, that putrid creep has reduced you to whimping. Lift yourself up, hold your head high and promptly dispose of that Irrelevant, Low-Life Critter....otherwise...suck it up and chill out until he is ready to return with the "good girl biscuit." ((The outcome is in your control)) ~TKSAR~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): The last answer is spot on- he is manipulating you into doing things his way- a stupid trivial thing like that does not warrant him going five days ignoring you, he's just doing it to hurt you so that u submit to his way of doing things- it's not just immature, it's cruel. I know it's hard to admit but I think you'd be better off single. take care xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 The five days of silence are his way of manipulating you into behaving how he wants you to behave.
He wants to continue to do things on his schedule without having to consider you and your plans, needs, feelings.
You ask if your ages matter, yes they do, because at his age he should be over throwing toddler tantrums and be able to act like an adult.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2013): He is using the silent treatment; which is a mild form of abuse. Please maintain your cool and leave him alone. Each time you call or attempt to reach him, you reinforce his sense of power. He knows it's working.
He is like a little boy. He is throwing a tantrum, and this is his way of establishing power, and showing you he is not willing to compromise or call a truce.
He is also using this tactic knowing it causes you concern and it creates panic. This is a cruel tactic and you should see this as a red-flag. He is a control freak.
What do you do? You will be advised by some to have a talk.
As he has indicated, he does not allow for that. It's his way or he will turn his back, and there will be no communication
.
Then give him his space and reclaim your control by ignoring him. When he calls or texts you, you must take your time responding. Your reflex action will be to immediately pick up the phone or answer the text message.
There must be consequences to his cruelty. Ignore his communication and require an apology in person.
You can continue to see him if you are comfortable with this incident. Do not tolerate emotional or psychological abuse in your relationship. Call it what it is, and inform him that this incident will be taken as a warning. You state that you are seriously concerned about his future reactions in similar situations. If there can be no communication and compromise, there can be no relationship.
It's hard for women to assume this assertive position under these circumstances. Their first reaction is to be emotionally submissive. That would be a huge mistake. he will most likely be apologetic or have a well rehearsed excuse. Don't buy into it. It is what it is. Psychological abuse. He is inflexible and domineering. A bad combination.
Stand by your guns. Relationships are partnerships. There is no master or subordinate position. He will show you the proper respect and learn to compromise; or show him the door. You are a grown and dignified woman, and you deserve to be treated as such. Dismiss this incident, and it will continue.
It doesn't take five days to cool down from a small spat; unless you have anger management issues.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 May 2013):
 I believe you handled this well. You might think you were fighting over something stupid, but for him it was a big deal and he was crushed that he was not the perfect guy for you. Throughout the relationship I see that you were trying your best to be rational and calm. It was him who exploded. It sucks not knowing where you stand but when you give yourself a chance to clear your head, think if this is a guy you can tolerate in the long run?
It's been 8 months and you are experiencing a fight that's coning out of nowhere. I mean it's clear that you did nothing to provoke his anger. You were probably trying to suggest more time together. You are beginning to see his true colors that he is mentally unstable and if there wasn't the space, imagine what he could do to you. I know you miss the old him and wished that it was a lover's tiff. For the outsider it looks like he has this idealization followed by a devaluation and it goes in cycles. You should not tolerate 5 days silence. It's like he is using this as a punishment so next time you know better not to point out anything imperfect in him. He will come crawl back to you and possibily mess with your feelings. Don't let him suck you back in his life because he will know that he has control over you and the fights just get worse and worse.
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