A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating someone for three months. He has three children whom he pays child support for as well as paying his own mortgage.Things have been going well between us and he has talked about me meeting his kids, which I am hoping to do eventually when he thinks the time is right. He's always in touch, we see eachother often and talk a lot on the phone. However, in the last few days he has cut contact completely and I was worried that something had happened. I made the decision to go to his home because I was worried and wanted to see what was going on. He was surprised to see me and he was in a terrible state. He told me he has had to let his house go as he could not keep up with the mortgage payments. He has never defaulted on his child support and is now being forced from his home to live with a family member over 30 miles away. His ex wife remains in a property which he is paying rent for as she wont allow the kids to live with him permanently. She also wont move into his house as it doesn't suit her.It means he cannot see his kids every day and he is devastated to say the least. I live about 10 miles from where he lives close to the kids and I offered that he could stay at mine if he needed to but he said he feels bad involving me.I don't know what to do. I don't know what else to say. I think he is a good person and a loving dad. I really wished I could help him in some way as I care about him.He apologised for not letting me know what was going on but up until a few days ago, he thought he could find a way to hang on to his home. He works full time but his ex has never worked, even though all the kids are at school.What would you do?Would you end the relationship and let him sink? or would you stay and try to help?I am really lost over this.
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Yes, you made the right decision having taken everything into due consideration and discussing it with him.
His finances are in a mess, that's true, but hopefully he can, with the help of a Citizens' Advice Bureau, or maybe a financial planner, work out a payment schedule for his debts that will leave him at least enough for the basics of food and clothing......once he's able to get this under some control he'll feel better about it all - even though it may take months - or longer - before he's out of debt.
I notice you said your life styles are very different, plus you have had the unhappy experience of being involved with a gambler and cheater.......of course you don't want or in
tend to go there ever again!
We wish you all the best!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Well, at least the man had some integrity. But yea you can't build a relationship on pretend and half truths.
Good luck and chin up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday we have decided to end things. He said he cannot cope with a new relationship with everything else going on and he was sorry that he got me involved and didn't tell me what was going on from the start.He said he wasnt thinking clearly and just got swept away.
I didn't question his decision as I think it's the right one and asking why he did start things with me seemed attacking and I didn't want to kick him when he's down.
Looking at it over all, we get on well but our lifestyles are very different. He also admitted that he has a lot of debts and that kinda goes against the grain for me as I spent many years with a gambler and cheat and it took me a long long time to get away from the debts and worry...for me, it's a red flag and a deal breaker and I felt there was more to his issues than he had told me.
As they say...it was nice while it lasted but when reality hit, it was never going to work...he called it and I agreed...sadly thats what they call game over!!
Thanks again for all your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who answered my question, I really apreciate it!
I have slept on it and taking what you have all said into consideration, I think you are right and it's way too early for him to move in here. I think I just said it because he was in a state and I wanted to give him some hope that he wasn't on his own.
I know in all of this, I have pretty much been left at the bottom of the priority list and I understand why that is and it's OK, so I am just going to give him time and space to figure out what he wants to do and where he's going to go. If he wants to stay over when he comes down to visit the kids then I am OK with that, but I think he doesn't need me getting in his face about 'us' and I wouldn't do that anyway.
He is genuinely a good man, from what I know, he's just in a bad situation. He's getting some money from his house but only about 12 grand, so I guess it's better than walking away with nothing.
I am really sad and dissapointed as I have been single for four years and felt I had finally met someone I felt happy with, but life always throws a curve ball when you least expect it. I guess only time will tell if things work out for us.
Thank you all xx I had nobody else to ask and I knew I would get a straight answer here, which is exactly what I needed. You have made me feel stronger!!
God Bless xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): I would help him out. I mean if he was a platonic friend you would help him right? That's what friends are for. However helping does not equate to having him move in with you. You've only known him 3 months. Living together can artificially move the relationship in directions it wouldn't otherwise naturally.
I would help him out by offering to pay for things when you spend time together. Or you can buy him groceries or fill up the gas in his car for him. If he has you meet his kids you can pay for stuff for them. Stuff like that.
He sounds like a decent guy who got screwed over by a woman. I have male family members in the same boat. The ex wife refuses to work and no one can make her yet the ex husband is forced to continue supporting her even when he can't anymore. Their roles basically continue on as it was when they were married with him having to financially support her even though now it costs a lot more money since they are not living together but his salary is still the same.
Note that if he were to move in with you, aside from the artificial stress it places on the relationship, you would then be indirectly financing his ex wife. Because now he has incentive not to figure out a plan to become financially solvent again. Rather, you have became the solution for solvency. He will thus not have incentive to try to get his ex wife to get a job to support herself (who wants to do the unpleasant task of convincing an ex who feels entitled to take your money, to stop doing so?). If your relationship with him was more developed and committed then this might be OK if you were engaged to him for example. But after only 3 months I think this is not something you should get involved in.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (1 September 2013):
I agree with Honeypie that you definitely should NOT let him move in with you.
I suppose it's SOMEWHAT to his credit that he avoided you rather than burdening you with his problems. HOWEVER, having said THAT, I cannot emphasize enough your need to allow him to work something out for himself.
As Honeypie correctly points out, the notice he got telling him his house was being foreclosed did not happen overnight!
You may want to help him, but its something he has to sort out for himself - and I'd strongly advise against loaning him ANY money. IF you do, you're not likely to get it back!
So "buyer" - that's you - BEWARE!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 September 2013):
Honestly, I don't think I would let him move in. It's ONLY been 3 months.
I understand he wants to take care of his kids, but having his house go into foreclosure is not because he missed one or two payments. So obviously this man is in a financial mess.
So if he comes live with you, will YOU be paying for everything?
I think you need to be VERY clear on how you want it to work for you two if he does move in. I think however it's a little risky because after 3 months he is not that invested in you because 1. he rather AVOID you then tell you the truth, 2. he is financially unstable even with a job. So if he moves in with you and you pay all, he can continue paying his ex whatever she wants (or they agreed to). And YOU are left footing the bill.
I'd think long and hard on this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): For me it would depend on how many emotional reserves I felt I had and how much potential I felt the relationship had. If the answer was "not much" for either question I'd probably not stick around.But if I felt strong and that the relationship had been progressing well I would at least offer my support. However, yours is still a very new relationship so at this stage I would NOT advisea) lending (or offering to lend) him money to help him keep his homeb) having him move in with youc) offering your home for contact visits with his children.I WOULD however, offer him the opportunity to spend weekends at my home so it would be easier for him to visit his children (but only if we had already reached the stage of sleeping over.)You seem to have already offered this however and he is hesitant to take it. Offer your support again but be prepared that he may still not wish to take it - and that's his decision.All the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): This is a time to test your feeling and see how much you do care for him! if it was me and I consider this guy as my boyfriend and was in love with him I would do everything that i could to help him, from offering him to move in with me to helping him with any financial support as much as i could. even though its only three months that you are dating and you may not know him well but he doesn't seem like a guy who wants to use you as he didn't want to involve you in this problem.So It is totally up to you, it depends how you take this relationship seriously and how much you love him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013): Wow. That is a really unfortunate situation. It's such a shame that the legal system works this way. I mean, for the woman to not have to have any sort of a job and for the man to have to work to pay 2 mortgages/rents plus child support is simply outrageous, but I know that it does happen. From what you say, he is a decent man. You sound as though you really admire and genuinely like him. This is a great start to a relationship and his troubles now are possibly going to give you some valuable insight as to what kind of a man he really is when the going gets tough. I guess just on the information given, I would stick around and see where the relationship goes. I would help in any way that's appropriate for knowing someone for only 3 months. I would not have him move in with me...but that's me. Three months is not nearly enough time to know someone enough to live together full time. And besides, he COULD possibly be a kook! So, I guess helping him out might include choosing or suggesting inexpensive or free dates, offering to pay for your dates during this troubled time, having him for dinner instead of going out, meeting those kids and maybe helping with some babysitting duties or taking the kids out with him to play at the park. Eventually it may grow into something more where you could help in more and different ways, such as moving in together. Normally when someone you've been seeing falls off the map, it is cause for concern, but under these circumstances, I can see where a proud man would not want for his lady friend to see him falter. That being said, you will have to read him and offer up your assistance in such a way that he still feels like a man. Best of luck!
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