A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My boyfriend and I live together and I noticed right away that we had no dates any longer and just coexisted, so to speak. It was a downer on the romance. I brought it up, and we've done several things to still feel like a couple and not just room-mates. I mean, we used to be friends, you know, hanging out and doing fun things together. Now it's just every day, boring things like eating dinner together, if we do even that! We're supposed to have a fixed date night once a week, but we don't go out and just sit at home...! It's like the enthusiasm is gone. I have tried to suggest things, to which he responds positively, but when it's time to do said thing he's reduced to grunting. He blames it on being tired from work. Mainly he has just stopped talking to me. He comes home from work and I barely get a smile. We have agreed to go on a daily walk together as an activity, and now he's sighing when I suggest it, wants to postpone the walks, or skip them, or I go on walks alone. Today he moaned about how much time this walking takes. It's supposed to be our couples activity.. We even went to counseling and this daily walk was what the therapist suggested we do! How is it supposed to make me feel when he complains about spending time with me?!?!He says he loves me and he gets very upset when he hears how this makes me feel. Yet we argue over it almost every day. How he doesn't talk to me any more, he says there's stress at work, but it's been like this for a year now! I mean, literally, we will sit in silence at the dinner table. Which I find so frustrating and a sign of no interest. He'd also rather sit by his computer and eat, than by me. I suggested he goes to sleep earlier to get more sleep if he's so tired every day that he can't talk to me, but of course he's not done that. Im just wondering if the relationship is over? I try to start up conversations, but they just die out with his one word reply, or for most of the time: NO REPLY AT ALL. I've come to my wits end and tired of crying over this.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 November 2020):
 Thanks for the update...particularly if you are the Aunt
( or ex Aunt ) that I think you are. The one who had trouble choosing her wedding dress :)... In that case, big congratulations are in order, because we know that your child...took his time showing up . You must be very happy now ! We missed you a lot around here ! Seriously ! Try to pop up and say hi , even just once in a blue moon , when you find the time.
If I am wrong and you are another poster,.. congrats all the same, obviously. I think it is always a pleasure for all DearCupiders when ,from the updates, we know of a problem that has been solved or a crisis that has been overcome. Thanks for informing us .
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 November 2020):
 Thank you for the update!
I'm so glad that you found the RIGHT guy for you, and are now happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was just browsing through my old questions and found this one. I actually have an update! It's been several years now, and we ended the relationship around 4 months after I posted this. But not long ago, a fellow friend of ours shared the truth with me: my then boyfriend was romantically involved with a woman at his work. So yes, he was cheating on me, which explains his complete lack of interest in the relationship, and trying to avoid me (maybe guilt?). I guess the upside to the story is that my ex is actually still dating this co-worker of his, and they bought a house together and trying for a family, so apparently were right for each other. And after this relationship, I met the man who is now my husband and father of my son. Interesting to look back and see how shitty that past relationship was, and how good it was that we ended it and moved on.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 February 2016):
 What do YOU want? Its okay if going to therapy is not what he wants, but he needs to understand that the alternative for you is not good.
Give him a little more time, but make sure he is aware that time is not unlimited, and that he will be needing to make a choice, therapy or you leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spoke with him, asking if he's depressed. He's been depressed before in life, he has a psychologist in fact that some times check in on him. Which is how I found out about it, when we started dating, because the psychologist gave him a call while I was sitting next to him. He says he's been having a hard time feeling happy. Despite there being no reason for being sad.
It's like talking to someone who's not home, you know? He looks at me, yet says nothing when I talk to him. Then just turns away and continues to do what he was doing... It's so weird to me. So unnatural.
I suggested he goes back to therapy, but he said he's not sure it's what he wants. Im giving it some more time and see what happens next. The lack of responsiveness just make me feel like being ignored, or that Im bothersome. It's hard to not take offense.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 February 2016):
 He may be clinically depressed. Before you give up entirely, get him to your doctor and have him evaluated. Sometimes people get so blah with depression that it appears to be neglect, when in fact they are just so depressed that they can't do anything. There are ways to treat it, and if that is indeed the situation here, you may be surprised at the turnaround he makes once he's been successfully treated for what is a effectively a medical condition.
It's really difficult for people who haven't experienced depression to understand how debilitating it really is. It's not something you can just snap out of, it is something that is beyond your control to deal with. So, before you give up on him entirely do see if there is a medical reason for his parent inertness. He may also have a hormonal imbalance, he may have a thyroid problem, there are many conditions which could be contributing to his situation.
And just to be clear I'm not suggesting that the doctor throw antidepressants at him as a way to deal with that, it is a medical condition that needs to be diagnosed and treated by medic professional. There are many things you can do to help recover from it, including good nutrition, mindfulness exercises, exercise, avoiding alcohol, and there is a correlation with low light situations for some people--something called seasonal affect disorder or SAD which can be treated with light therapy.
So start off with a compassionate and empathetic approach, which includes getting proper medical diagnosis and treatment if that is the problem. After that if that has been excluded then obviously you know what you need to do.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 February 2016):
 What a miserable relationship to be in. It doesn't even sound like you would make good room mates?
Sit down and ask yourself what are you getting out of this relationship? Do you feel loved? Cared for? Talking is a basis to any sort of friendship, if you don't have that with each other then to me it sounds like this relationship has run its course. I think your boyfriend may have fallen out of love with you, but because he has gotten in to this routine he probably doesn't want to break up with you, he doesn't want to hurt you, but he is doing so every day by ignoring you. You deserve so much better. You have tried your hardest, but I think you know deep down it is time to walk away no matter how hard it is going to be. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2016):
I agree with Auntie BimBim.
Seems like he was looking to share his expenses more than move in together out of LOVE for you. It's convenient to have someone to live with, someone to fuss over you, cook and clean for you.
I think it's time for you to either ask HIM to move out or you move out yourself.
He has no intentions of changing.
I've been with my husband for 20 years - we has a "wii tournament" last night (kids joined in) and it was hilarious. He whupped me at baseball - I got him at golf. So if we after 20 years can STILL find stuff to have fun together with... it shouldn't be hard for you guys.
Pick your social life back up, hang out with friends, family - do things you enjoy. Don't let this "Debbie Downer" of a man hold you back from enjoying life. Seriously.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (4 February 2016):
Stop your tears, he is not worth them. 12 months of putting up with this behaviour and he is even too tired to talk.
You have done all the right things, talked to a counsellor and are prepared to put their suggestions into action .... he is not.
So, either kick him out or pack up and move out, there is nothing left here for you.
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