A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This question isn't really about help for me, but rather for my friend.Some info on him: he's 40, been divorced for just over a year, and is looking to date again. The problem? He hangs out in bars, claiming he's just "people watching", then complains on Facebook about the things people say or do at whatever place he was at the night before. He has the same notion a lot of teenage and early 20s guys have that women only want men who treat them like crap, and cries about how he's a "nice guy" so no woman wants him. I've tried so many times to get it through his thick skull that not all women are looking for "bad boys", and that bars and clubs are NOT an accurate way to determine what women (or men) want. I've explained to him that many people who hang out at those places are not looking for something long term, and therefore don't care as much about personality. At the age of 40, I would have thought he'd be smart enough to know you aren't likely to meet the love of your life in a bar, but apparently not. I'm 27, and have known this for quite some time. I still talk to him because I hold onto some glimmer of hope I can help him. I'm not really sure why. It seems like no matter what I say, though, I can't change his mind. My husband has given up on him (he was originally my husband's friend and that's how I became friends with him). It breaks my heart to see him throw his life away like this. Do any of you aunts or uncles know anyone like this, and have you successfully helped the person? If so, how? What do you say to someone who is thoroughly convinced no one will like them for who they are? And what is a good response to say to a guy when he says "all women like jerks"?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 February 2016):
 Maybe his luck will change soon :)
A man in his 40s that hangs out in bars in the no so secret hope to pull up bar chicks, and when he gets disappointed, whines about it on social networks , spewing around old cliches and blaming his failures on women ,who are too perverse and stupid to understand his greatness, IS actually a big jerk.
So, if his theory holds true, that " women only want jerks ", it's only a matter of time and they should be flocking to him.
You are a kind and compassionate soul, OP, but in your shoes I would save your compassion , and the use of terms like " heartbreaking ", for the many human cases who really need it. Among them, personally I can't include a grown up man who can't take responsibility for his life and choices, and that feels he is always right and half of the human population wrong .
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2016):
I have known quite a few nice guys, not one of them called themselves a nice guy. Others called them nice.
The ones calling themselves nice, and then moans that everything doesn't fall into their laps (specially women) are NOT nice guys. (specially not to women).
The whole notion that ALL woman want nasty "bad guys" is so outdated and ridiculous. Some do, no doubt. But at age 40? Certainly not.
IF this guy is trying to chase the young chicks at the bar, that might be why he is not getting lucky. Some 40 something moaning in his beer trying to pick up chicks like he did when he was 20, it's just not charming or.. going to get him a bite. Not all women in their 20's want a 40 year old.
Hide his feeds for a while, you can't make him see that he is in the wrong place, wrong mindset, wrong attitude to met someone "special".
Take a note from your husband's playbook and let this fellow realize the "error of his ways" on his own. He IS old enough to know better. But he is sitting whining on Facebook like a 5 year old with his fingers in his ears going "na-na-na-na-na I can't hear you over my woe is me".... He isn't WILLING or READY to listen.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 February 2016):
 Before you wipe your hands and walk away from him you could try asking him why, if women only like jerks, he is still alone.
The guy is not worth your time, he doesn't like women, he is blaming them for all his problems, and if he is posting (complaining) about all and sundry on facebook it would appear he doesn't think much of any body really.
Do yourself a favour and stop trying to help him, walk away and leave him to his bad choices and the consequences, he isn't listening to you, and wont listen to you because that would require him having to do some work on himself and he cant be bothered with the effort.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2016): Just let him wallow in his self pity. Cause that is what he is doing, just feeling sorry for himself. He is not a child, he is a grown man. It's time you stopped treating him like a child or a victim. He knows better. He is just depressed and feeling sorry for himself. He just got divorced and is still grieving over that loss. He is hanging at the bars and boozing and making stupid comments because he is seeking temporary relief from his heartache so that he doesn't completely fall apart. He'll say and think just about anything to make him feel somewhat okay about his marriage falling apart. I've done exactly what he is doing myself. Not because I am an idiot who doesn't know any better but because it is a way of coping. Best thing you can do is just lend an ear and a shoulder. And keep him distracted.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 February 2016):
 You can't teach someone a lesson they don't want to be taught. If he believes "all women like jerks" then, as a woman, you have been disqualified as someone who can advise him.
Let it go. He's living the life he's chosen. If that involves hanging out in bars, and being bitter, well, he's a grown ass man of 40, who has been married. He can hang out in bars and complain on facebook as much as his heart desires.
And do spend a bit of time examining why this is so heartbreaking for you. You do know that you can't save everyone from their own firmly held convictions, right or wrong, no?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 February 2016):
 Worse than being a nice guy is being a whiner. Considering his divorced status he may have plenty of reason for the way he feels. If he wants to get back in the game (and there is a fair chance he doesn't), He should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Practice the 180. And get his swerve on.
You on the other hand need to stop rescuing puppies.
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