A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know everybody does it but It’s been three years that we’ve been together and I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating and he pretended he was just gonna take a shower while slamming his laptop. So I did something I regret and snooped and found a secret Instagram instead of actual porn which just makes me feel worse because these are people he’s searched and followed. I don’t really know how to act or confront him about it because I know he’ll lie or turn it on me for snooping which I know I shouldn’t have done but he’s never acted this way in the time we’ve been together and I’ve been cheated on before and this is almost what it feels like. Help. How do I confront him?
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female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (21 January 2020):
So he’s just looking at girls’ pictures and masturbating? Has he contacted any of the girls? Texted them? Talked to them? Met them? If not, I don’t consider this cheating. Honestly this is totally normal behavior for men. It’s just a fact that men masturbate. If a guy tells you he doesn’t, he’s lying. I have caught my husband doing it multiple times. I’ve seen him staring at girls’ bodies on Instagram. Instagram is so full of fit, athletic, slim women posting half-naked pictures. I hate it but I’m sure it’s irresistible and addicting for men. At first I felt awful that my husband was doing this and thought I must not be pleasing him enough in bed and I must be too fat because I am overweight and there’s no way I could compete with those slim instagram girls. I was basically blaming myself, but then I realized I was taking it way too personally. You need to understand that masturbating is totally non-emotional for him. It’s hard for us to imagine separating sex from emotion, but men are very physical and they need release quite often. And since we can’t give them sex every single night and day, they masturbate. It’s like a bodily function for them and not emotional at all. I guarantee your boyfriend isn’t actually emotionally interested in those girls, he is just using their pics to help himself jerk off faster. If your relationship is otherwise strong and your sex life is good, you have nothing to worry about. Confronting him will just cause shame and embarrassment over something all men do. If you broke up with over this, I guarantee your next boyfriend will be doing the exact same thing even if you never find out about it. If he were contacting those girls and expressing emotional feelings that would cross a line. But what you are describing is simply him taking care of his physical needs and I don’t consider it cheating.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2020):
 This is why I tell my TEENAGE daughters to consider WHAT they post online. THEY can easily be some dude's spank bank material and that is just not OK.
Now he might be masturbating to women who are "off age" but it really doesn't MAKE it any better. There is the chance that he has tried to contact them or want to contact them for "in person" meet-ups/hook ups. And there IS the chance that he did this with YOUR social media before you met. Kinda gross if you think about it.
I hope you two didn't meet over social media....
I, however, DO NOT think it's cheating. But it can LEAD to cheating. THAT is still two different things.
Maybe he "thinks" (not sure how much actual thinking is going on though...) that USING strangers instead of YOU he isn't objectifying and quantifying you as spank-bank material. BECAUSE they are strangers, to him they might JUST be "pretty or sexy" images and thus NOT ans "bad" as using porn or your images. THOSE would be my guesses.
I also agree with WiseOwlE that you don't "confront" him, you have a talk about boundaries, what you both bind appropriate and NOT appropriate in your relationship.
He isn't doing anything "illegal" just a big gross and sleazy. You on the other hand... invaded his privacy and snooped. Think about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2020): I’ve been cheated on by my husband of 15 years and caught him I. The act . I’ve also caught him using porn . As a woman I can tell yoh the porn hurt just as much as the other woman . I realise most men and some women will NEVER understand this and will minimise women’s pin repeatedly over porn but what they fail to realise is that to a woman who has devoted the beat years of her life and give a man babies she simply cannot compete with 18 yr olds who are and ALWAYS will be available to her man at the the , who willl NEVER age , who will never sag and who give him whatever he wants any time night and day .
The other woman was easy to get rid of , hell she was easy to make disappear never to be seen again . She will get old , she is a real woman , faults and all . I CAN compete AND OUTDO her in my husbands I . I will always be his choice over her .... but the truth is ? The porn girls. 18 ,
Perky , skinny , never been pregnant , given birth, no I wouldn’t win out if they offered him a real life with them . The opportunity for continued sexual adventures with them and if lose every time ... he can’t have them so he skulks back to the bathroom to watch them and dream
Men will never understand that porn is EXTREMELY damaging to woman and undermines everything
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2020): You snooped, and it will likely turn on you. I've been cheated-on too, and even caught my partner in the act. Trust me, catching someone masturbating versus catching them cheating; it doesn't feel even remotely the same!
You can't stop another person from pleasuring themselves. You might explain to him how it makes you feel; but then you have to avoid looking through his devices. They will be locked under a password. You may still find he won't stop. You'd have to monitor his devices to know whether or not he has. He won't stand for that.
You don't "confront" him about something so personal; because it could turn pretty ugly. You would humiliate him into lying to save-face; and you will bring-back flashbacks of what it felt like when his mother first discovered he was playing with himself. There is no way to "confront" someone about something like that; and not expect backlash.
I suggest you discuss it...not confront him about it.
The fact he is using social media as a source for his j.o.-material; is far too inviting to want to attempt contact, or meet these women. It's not much better knowing he's using a porn site; but at least the models are anonymous, and the likelihood of ever meeting them is close to zero. Although, I unintentionally posed next to a "pornstar" on the boat pier on Fire Island. He and a couple of other ripped-guys motioned me to get into the picture. Afterwards, one of my friends asked me if I knew who that was? I didn't have a clue!!! I was wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap. No one could confirm it was me; but my friends could. They know my physique! No more posing for selfies with strangers! That was purely by co-inky-dink!
Pics and videos on Instagram are ordinary-individuals; and there is the chance of establishing contact. They might be local. Use that as your point of concern.
The problem with snooping or spying is you have to be ready to handle what you might discover. Sometimes it's best not to know every little secret or detail. As you now know!
If you do decide to "discuss" it with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2020): Oh yuk . This is what the world has come to now . With women in all states of undress at the click of a finger any time men want . Women they know , women they don’t , any nationality , any size , age any attribute imaginable , changeable like we are some commodity to be bought sold and disagreed
Some people try the old excuse ‘ porn has always been around ‘ but never at any time in history has it been this pervasive, this intrusive and this indulgently catering to men . No magazine or imagination can treat women like throw away bits of rubbish in the same capacity as internet porn and now day after day we see more and more the gender divides , the range to women and young girls . Studies showing porn causes men to find their partners less attractive . Interestingly the same results are not found for female viewers of porn . Why? Probably because men in pirn are predominately represented normally , like the average guy , that’s if their faces are even shown
Look , if all this doesn’t convince you he won’t stop and the relationship is being damaged then I’m not sure what will . My only advice Is RUN
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2020): What can be achieved by 'confronting him'? You said yourself that he'll lie or turn it onto you if you do. It won't change anything. He'll still have masturbated to people he follows on Instagram and you'll still feel upset.
You said that he hasn't acted this way all the time you've been together, but how do you know that?
Men often use the internet for self-gratification. As you said, we all know this. I very much doubt that your boyfriend will suddenly become the kind of man who doesn't do this and wont ever do it again, he'll just make sure you don't walk in on him next time.
I think you have to decide if you can live with this. If not, confronting him won't change a thing. You'll suspect that he's still doing it, even if he isn't. But he probably will be.
If you decide to leave him over it, your next boyfriend will more than likely use women's images to masturbate to. Instagram, porn, whatever. I get that this must feel as if he has a connection with the woman/women, but he probably doesn't. These women post these suggestive pictures knowing that they are going to be used as wanking material. Doesn't mean that they want to engage with every saddo that gets off using their image.
That's all it is. In my opinion. Women's images used for relief. It was ever thus and always will be no matter who you go out with. There may be the occasional man who doesn't use this stuff, but the vast majority do. So, concentrate on you. How's your sex life? Could it be spiced up? See if you can re-ignite the spark between you. And try to forget what you found him doing. I bet you your bottom dollar that he's been doing it all along.
Unless you're happy being a nun or being single all your life, try to get to grips with the fact that this is relief and nothing more.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2020): Just get rid, it is cheating and it is outright sleazy behaviour
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