A
female
age
30-35,
*rooksbaker44
writes:Hello everyone. I need some advice. Yesterday, I came home and there was a light blinking on my boyfriend and I's antivirus thing. I thought it was no biggie, so I continued watching my show on Netflix. Finally, I got annoyed, and clicked on it. It happened to be a virus alert from a site I did not recognize. I figured that I could check the history to see if maybe it was something that I clicked on on Pinterest, and found porn sites on the history. The places it was located showed that he was watching it all right after I left the house for work (I leave about 45 min before he does). I felt hurt and sick, and he was due back at the house in twenty min, so I went over to my bestfriends for a few hours. When I came home, he said it had nothing to do with me, and that he used to use it as a de-stresser before he met me, and that he doesnt feel anything when he masturbates to it. It just helps him relax. That he doenst even think about it during the day. Is that true? He said it started when I talked to my ex for a few hours a couple of weeks ago. My ex was about to leave for Russia (Marine Core), and we had parted on really bad terms and just wanted to straighten things out before he left. When I got home, I told my bf everything we said and all that, and he said it was fine, and it never came up again. I feel hurt, confused, and really scared. I dont know if he will continue looking at porn when he gets upset later on or not. We talked it out lastnight, and I want to trust him...and I am not angry...it just hurts. Can I have some advice please? Thank you so much.
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female
reader, lec +, writes (12 August 2012):
He’s using your meeting with your ex as his reasoning for viewing porn. This should alert you to something very significant and, no, not your “cheat” radar.
Step inside your boyfriend's shoes for a moment. He’s upset (and rightfully so) over your having gone to nurture an old romantic relationship.
I’d safely bet that most partners would have an issue with their partner stepping out of their relationship to “sort out things” with a previous lover.
Imagine he cared enough to pursue and meet with his ex to "sort out issues" while with you.
Don't like the sound of that? Me either. That's suspicious.
Your relationship with your ex is over. Any issues you may have had are insignificant frivolous details that are no longer of importance. His being deployed to Russia makes no difference whatsoever.
He's an ex. You're in a relationship at present. Unless you intend to return to your ex, the present is what matters.
As far as porn goes, a large majority of men and women view porn, or the like. He is not addicted to these clips and he is being respectful of you by not viewing it in your presence and he’s most definitely not nurturing a relationship with the images on his computer screen.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): Masturbating is a total stress reliever for me. Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 August 2012):
 It's not about reading too much into it, either you're OK with porn or you're not. Most women are not, but some are. Not being OK with it doesn't make you insecure, nagging, ridiculous or uptight, it just makes you one of the majority of women who isn't OK with porn. Again, I'd really advise you to look through the links on my profile.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 Personally I also see it as a form of cheating, but that is a very personal opinion. If you feel that it is a form of cheating you need to let him know that, and then the two of you can discuss and either agree to disagree or come to some sort of concensus.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, brooksbaker44 +, writes (11 August 2012):
brooksbaker44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your replies.
But to me, him looking at that stuff, or watching..whatever...is like cheating. And he knew that. And did it anyway.
Am I reading too much into this?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 August 2012):
PHHT at him trying to use your seeing your ex as an excuse for his behaviour, what was his excuse when he was using masturbating to porn as a destresser prior to meeting you?
You have two issues here, his masturbating to porn, which you need to decide your stance on, and him trying to blame you for something he has been doing since before he met you, which I think is worse.
What other personal habits/behaviours is he not willing to accept responsibility for?
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (11 August 2012):
 I'm confused. Why can't he watch porn? Unless a man has a full-fledged addiction to porn in that it takes over his life, interferes with his work, etc., then I just do not see what the big deal is. He's a man. Like it or not, porn is something that most men enjoy looking at from time to time.My guess is that you're insecure. That's the only reason, in my opinion, that a woman would be that upset about her man watching it. I was at my boyfriend's place the other night, and we watched some porn together, just for fun and giggles. It was actually my idea. I'm not turned on by it or interested in it, it was just all in fun. Boredom plus a laptop computer sometimes leads to porn. We actually had a good laugh at some of the crazy stuff we saw.There are so many more important issues in life, so if I were you I would look inward and find out why you are so upset by this. Nagging, begging, or demanding that your boyfriend stop watching porn is again, in my opinion, utterly ridiculous. My suggestion is to lighten up.Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Just Gill  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 I can understand you feel that way, is it because you feel its almost like he kind of, not quite cheated, slighty? Or is it because the ex comment he made?. What you need to realise is that if you think back to when you used to pleasure yourself, it was pleasant and relaxing. Your partner may be telling you the truth on that. Also watching porn isn't a bad thing (not all porn obviously) it can give you idea's on things to do in the bedroom to spice things up...or it can be a 'job done' qwickie to relieave tension. Dont jump to conclusions, if it's bothering you terribly, talk to your partner and make him aware of you and your ex's is friendship only status. Your partner may have taken a different view on your meeting with your ex. Just talk to him when in bed and bring it up in a more romantic tone, this may ease the tension.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 August 2012):
I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt by this, many women feel this way. I have MANY links about this and what to do on my profile (just clink on my name and they are in the blue box). I highly recommend you look at them. I don't think it's reasonable for your boyfriend to seek revenge through something like this.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 August 2012):
 I think he was using you talking to your ex as an excuse, he saw that it upset you him looking at porn and therefore he used the one thing that he knew would probably get him off lightly.
My guess is that this is a hobby for him, it relaxes him and gets him off just like most men. It does not mean that he does not find you attractive or that he imagines other women when with you it just means that he likes to watch porn and relax. Really there is nothing wrong with this. Most men watch porn when they are in relationships. It does not mean that they are not happy they are just taking some time out on there own and relaxing, releasing any tensions they have while watching a video.
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