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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have a lovely relationship most of the time. He is affectionate and kind and most of the time makes me happy. However, on the rare occasions we have a disagreement he gets really nasty. I try and keep it calm and adult-like and sort it out straight away ( I don't like sleeping on an argument) but he just seems to want to say nasty arrogant things then asks me to leave so he can sulk for a few days. After these few days he is fine and we are ok again. The thing is, I don't like dealing with problems like this and when he is sulking I get really down and worry for days. I have spoken to him about it but he just says that that is him and he has always been like this but he hasn't, it just keeps getting worse.The thing is, I would walk away but it rarely happens and the rest of the time we are great. I just want him to sort things out like an adult instead of sulking,please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bluemissbailey  +, writes (1 December 2014):
 My husband use go for days sulking and ignoring me so I decided its no fun for him sulking alone. So I went out had fun made sure he knew that I was at the cinema watching that film he said he like or I went buying new clothes and earrings and made a big point of putting them on when I came in the house and being happy and smiling and guess what after 2 times of doing this by changing myself and my reaction he stopped doing it.
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reader, TH1991  +, writes (6 April 2012):
I am glad to see I am not the only one dealing with this problem and can read on how to help to situation! I usually do not post on blogs but decided to give it a shot especially since, I could really use the advice! My bf and I live together and he still ignores me for days and it gets me extremely frustrated and upset I just do not know how you can ignore the person you claim to care about for days when you are living together! the beginning of our relationship he would always ignore me after a fight infact I would just have to get over it just so I could see him, this wouldnt be a big deal if it were just small things, it was big things too like looking me straight in the eye and lying to me, I had to just suck it up make up an excuse and move on just so we could be together and have things go back to "normal" I remember in the beginning of our relationship, so we were not living together at this time, he did not talk to me for 5 days and I would not even call it an argument, he had naked pictures of his gf on his computer that I mentioned to him long before and he said he would get rid of them...well he never did so I brought it up again and boom, im ignored for 5days. When we moved in together I thought it would get better I mean we see eachother all the time how can you ignore someone you live with? I was wrong, christmas eve we got into a small argument because I wanted to talk to him about things he was upset about toward me he refused to talk to me and it got me very upset because I feel like we cant talk to eachother, this resulted in him ignoring me all christmas day he laid on the couch and periodically slept and woke up it was not until the evening when we had to go to this parents house for dinner he said something to me, I tried talking about it with him and he flips out making it seem like its all my fault and he just didnt want to deal with it so he didnt talk to me all day, this argument lasted all through dinner and gifts with his parents, and the next day up until the night after christmas we finally talked. This time we had a good talk and I explained everything that bothered me so again I thought everything would have been good, again I was wrong.Sometimes he would fix the issue right away other times he would ignore me for the night and sometimes it would be for days. We are currently in the "silent treatment" stage now over something completley ridiculous..he was asking about my day and basically telling me how I shouldnt do things my boss is asking me to do (( work related)) I told him I cannot just tell my boss no he goes on saying yes I can and things I can say so with an aggravated tone in my voice I say "I cannot just tell my boss im not going to do what your telling me to do because I do not think its right" he then walks away and does not talk to me, I try talking about it an hour later and he plays those games like " I just went to go watch tv" "im not acting any different" just making those excuses I cannot stand to hear, and I try to tell him and he just says "ok" so I get very frustrated and upset which results to me crying and tell him "I am never able to talk to you" this has turned into a 2day silent treatment and has me extremly upset to the point I have cried the last nights for his actions. We have talked before about how ignoring eachtoher and prolonging the argument for days at a time does nothing but hurt the relationship and really hurts me, he has seen me cry and still does not want to talk about it. I am to the point where I do not know what to do anymore it seems as though this "silent treatment" issue is never going to be resolved, we talked about having a future together but I no longer see that because of this situations and it seems like they are not going to change no matter how me times he says he understands its not the right thing to do and apologizes for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Sure sorry to hear of your predicament. I am not sure what has happened to your relationship since you posted your question. Unfortunately, I am one who sometimes sulk. So you get a viewpoint from a sulker. I would classify myself as probably one with a passive aggressive trait. Very often I go along with things, sometimes not too willingly, but unable to express my own need esp if the other party is rather dominant. Or when I feel offended, I might just keep quiet remembering not to be 'oversensitive' and not to make a fuss. Sometimes these unhappy events cuts pretty deeply but are suppressed or I reprimand myself for being too easily offended. These things usually happen with someone fairly close, because they are the ones I feel 'should understand me' or should have more consideration for me, but has let me down. (of cause, it is not logical, but sometimes when emotion runs high, I can be illogical). After a prolonged period, of putting up a happy face, I sometimes just snap over seemingly trivial things. Just like that, but again, unable to effectively express my anger, tend to sulk instead, sometimes for weeks. This has caused my close friend distress as well and he was pretty upset. I have lost my temper twice before, sulked for a few hours but this was the longest. He is fed-up. I think this relationship is ruined by my sulking. What hurts most is that he said it is frightening and abnormal. Yes, perhaps the reason for sulking was to say 'I am angry/ upset/ hurt' without resorting to shouting, but then sometimes it is not easy to get out from a sulk, esp if sulkers are viewed as childish. Ignoring them and thinking that it will cure them will just make them supress their distress further, perhaps with a worse outburst later. So, i don't agree that you punish a sulker. A sulker sulks probably to express their need for support/ consideration/ attention or something but cannot verbalise. Maybe just give a sulker space and time to sulk for a short while and ask for an explanation when he has calmed down. You can write to each other instead of talk because it is easier to write down and make the sulker understand how these episodes affect you too. A sulker would like to stop losing control too but sometimes cannot help it. I think with better communication, the sulking will stop. Sulking causes more hardship for me, so I did look up the internet to find out the cause of it, to see what I can do to help myself. I found some rather good info that may helpful for me and for those who thinks their sulking partners as childish and manipulative.....this is esp in reference to Magda's methods of trying to make the sulker stop. She got sick from interiorising her own stress, so will a sulker. Just encourage a sulker to express his needs, hurt, anger in a rational manner when they are not having one of those 'fits'. Let them know it affects you too. Most sulkers are sensitive people and perhaps try too hard not to rock the boat which got them into this cycle of being passive, amiable and suddenly switch into a monster.
http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/health-the-dark-side-of-the-mood-1086951.html
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reader, emzi84 +, writes (28 July 2009):
Well, As im currently in the middle of a horrible arguement with my partner I have been trawling the net trying to think of ways to help the situation. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and 99% of the time have a loving, caring relationship. Last night, world war 3 started over a silly arguement about the washing up. As usual he has gone into a sulk and refuses to talk to me which is killing me!!!!! All I want to do is sort things out but instead have been up all night in the spare room contemplating my future.. I think I wll try the 'ice queen' approach although it so difficult... I find myself desperately wanting to text/ call him to sort things out!!! Aaaaggghhh Men!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Thank god other people experience this too! I am so with you guys. Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 6 months. I think he's completely incredibly - for the most part he is right up there as near perfect boyfriend material. We live together (because we were flatmates before we were a couple... it took us a long time to have the courage to try it as a couple already living together), so when he has a sulk there is no where I can run to. It's really horrible. He will get "pissed off" with me (his terminology, he is never 'angry' or 'upset', only 'pissed off' will do), for something which I have apparently done. Usually I will have done something very minor, but he will read into it that I have done it on purpose to annoy him/make his life more difficult... I'm half an hour late home after work, so now it's too late to go out. Or I am winding him up on purpose when actually I am just falling asleep on the sofa because I am tired. Or whatever. But he won't tell me what's wrong, he just stops talking to me, ignores me completely, but INSISTS that we keep acting as though everything's fine in front of our other housemates. This can go on for several days. If I try to confront him, he tells me to fuck off, that he doesn't want to see me/talk about it. He won't tell me what's wrong! Usually it's only after a few days, when I finally lose my rag completely with his behaviour, that he will start acting normally again. But even then he will be quick to remind me for several days after that "it's not like everything is ok". Sometimes I never get to find out why he was annoyed, even after the event. I end up feeling tired and upset, worried and angry and impatient.
It's worse because I was in a bad relationship before, with a bloke who kept blowing hot and cold (but in a nastier way) so I'm really paranoid that this boyfriend will do that too. This means I get even more worried.
He's in the middle of a big sulk right now, which is why I've just written this rant. I'm really sorry for the long wallow!
There must be someone out there who knows how to fix this.
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reader, Jo Duck  +, writes (26 March 2009):
Hi there.Sorry to say I don't have any answers, but did want to share my relief that there are similar lads & problems out there. I have been trying to maintain a neutral impassive stance since the most recent sulk started, but finding it quite hard to for so many days. This guy & I have been seeing each other for only a few months and I thought the world of him until the sulks started. They seem to get worse and its always at some percieved behaviour of mine that he doesn't like. He is 36 years old! I know I am far from perfect but when he shuts me out for days, there is no way I can ever reedeem myself for whatever i have done, and now I am consumed with self doubt which i don't like ( I have enough of that already). The irony is, every one thinks he has great personal/people skills. Maybe to the outside world but not to someone who is close to him... Good Luck with yours, I have no idea where our relationship is heading. I just don't know whether to perservere or not. Quack Quack.
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reader, Sun Dance +, writes (2 February 2009):
The exact same thing happens in my relationship. I am so relieved to discover that it isn't only me who is experiencing this childish behaviour.I am not usually one to do this kind of thing, but I was beginning to doubt myself and our relationship, which we are three years into. It didn't happen at first, but the first time it happened I was so shocked and distraught that I cried for days, text, emailed, facebook messaged and called. To no avail. I was completely ignored. And to make matters worse, once I finally spoke to him I felt a sense of humiliation and anger at the way he had treated me. This happened again about three times, with me disregarding my own dignity and succumbing to his childish ways.It has happened again now, and after sending my first facebook message and text, I am not going to allow myself to be emotionally bruised and bullied in this way. I have slowly realised that the sooner I change my ways, hopefully the sooner he will see that he cannot go on ignoring me and face his demons. And I hope that you will come to realise this too.If it doesn't work then its his loss. You have to begin to realise that this behaviour is just not normal. Maybe his behaviour will ruin your relationship and carry on into his next. But hopefully we will have learnt.After reading the other comments I feel a sense of relief and confirmation that the best way to go about dealing with being ignored after a petty argument is to adopt the 'ice queen' approach. I hate to repeat what other people have said but I am definately going to try it and see what happens.... Watch this space :o)
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reader, Nikkixx +, writes (28 January 2009):
I had to register just to say OH MY GOD!!!!I'm so so glad (obviuosly not for you guys who have to go through the same thing) that i am not the only one!!, what has been described here could not be anymore the same if i had written it myself!!I completely second how to deal with this situation as there is no way of speaking to someone who is sulking, and do remember that it isn't you that is the issue.I tried everything at first, i got angry at him(BAD IDEA) tried the more rational approach of trying to talk but you don't get a response and end up beating yourself up as you think it you thats got the communication problem, but i can assure its not.I am now trying a method which i actually again to agree is the ice queen and it is effective but you have to stay strong which is the hardest and most horrible part as all you want is everything to be ok, but it will be. These sulkers need to realise that they can't get away with throwing their toys out the pram and if they are going to act like a child then treat them like one. Now don't be patronising but as you would a toddler with crocodile tears leave them on there own and let him come to you. He will as he is human and will realise his mistakes.Again i have resided to the fact that i am partly to blame for letting this go on for so long and now trying to change it!! But it does get better and easier to walk away for a little while hes in that mood.Another option is some people respond better to things on paper so trying writing him a letter and explaining how his sulking makes you feeling that way he might be able to see that it really gets to you and visulise it better as some people do when they see things on paper.I know all i've done is really agree with the other reply but it was spot on so just persevere and good luck!!(by the way my spelling and gramma is shocking sorry guys!!)xx
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A reader, Magda, writes (14 February 2005): It is amazing I found your question by chance this morning when I was looking for some anti-sulk Valentine present for my boyfriend and was staggered by the resemblance of your situation with my own. Actually, I might have written your question myself. I haven’t seen any answers to your (my) question on the website so far, but I thought I might share with you how I try to handle this problem.First, I had to realize that there was a problem. His sulking and nastiness is not an adequate reaction to problems (most often the things he sulks about are pretty petty). I made my observations and I haven’t found anybody else around me who’d do that or sympathise with it. So he is the faulty one and it’s good to remember.Secondly, when he’s got his “fit”, there is no way a rational speak could help us out. You shouldn’t argue with him much about the substance, just be firm about the basics of your position. You should, nevertheless, always expose his rudeness. Similarly to your boyfriend, mine can say things that he would never say otherwise and so should be told. However, leave a serious talk about his behaviour for when it’s over. I just wait until things are safe again and then I try to come back on it gently and with humour. I don’t try to bash him with his faultiness or tell him that he has a psychiatric problem. It would just provoke another crisis. He should realize that you work on it together and not that he has to defend himself against you.Thirdly, he knows by now that I don’t take the argument that he’s like this and that’s it and he’s fully aware that his behaviour is not as normal as he would like to make himself believe. He also knows that I want him to change. Of course, it does not automatically stop him from doing it, but at least he knows that my discontent will not disappear and I’ll keep pushing for a change.Fourthly, the error I am still making is that I worry and feel uncomfortable during the “sulk period”. I am not a quarrelsome person and don’t feel the need to discharge my stress through a nasty “fit” of my own and feel distressed when other people do so. Now, I am not a psychiatrist, but I have the impression that if he feels that his “fit” distresses me, he will make no effort to stop it quickly. If he knows that I am getting seriously angry, he usually stops sulking much quicker. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know. So I usually try to adopt an “ice queen” attitude. Just remember: don’t let it get too much under your skin!!!Fifthly, no matter how “untouched” I am or pretend to be by his fit, I have to accept that he’s not behaving rationally and that it’s me who is. So it’s always me who smoothes things up and proposes an opening. Personally, this is the thing I hate most. I perceive it as a humiliation and would want him to come back first apologising for this illogical outburst, but it’s not to be had, at least not immediately. I usually get vindicated later on when we joke about it and he acknowledges that his behaviour was not 100% all right. This has been the most important achievement since the beginning of our relationship. At the beginning I would just try to close my eyes and get over it and then when it was over, forget it as quickly as possible. Don’t do that, it will only make things worse!Sixthly, it is important to be able to manage your own feelings during this period. This is the most difficult thing to do. If you can master your anxiety and anger and be able to know how to dose your anger and forgiveness then you solved the problem.Seventhly, these fits always leave me exhausted and bruised. I made a decision that I’d give it a try for some time. We have been together for almost three years now and it has got a better. Of course, I still have to pay for the mistakes I made at the beginning not addressing the problem, but I am optimistic that the things are better now. At least we are clear about it, he knows that I think it is a problem and I steadily increase the pressure on him to change. I haven’t used the nuclear option of telling him that I consider this to be the most serious risk to our relationship and gave him a warning, but I made it clear in other ways. I also made a decision that if it doesn’t work I’ll go and ask for professional help and ultimately, I am almost resigned with the fact that if he refuses to change, the only solution might be to leave him.Eighthly, but maybe I should have mentioned it at the beginning, our boyfriends do this because they know they can do it with us. Let’s face it, a part of problem is that we let them get away with it so easily. But let’s not despair and try to find something positive in it. In my case, these fits and my handling of them made me have a closer look at my own character. I started to ask myself questions about the true state of my assertiveness, resilience, self-confidence, etc. I am trying to work on myself to make myself stronger, not only in relation to him, but also in relation to others (my boss, colleagues, my parents, etc.).Ninthly, don’t forget that you don’t have to be perfect yourself. You can have your fits and outbursts too. I realised that since we were together I consciously tried to eliminate my own already very limited fits and outbursts in order to minimise our common “nasty periods”. It was a very bad thing to do. It made me interiorise stress and I became ill. Don’t follow my example. Don’t forget to evacuate your own stress. You will never do it in his way, I’m sure, so don’t be too worried to be sometimes irrational and grumpy yourself.Finally, as ever, I am strong in theory and when analysing things with hindsight, but short on execution. So don’t be stressed if it takes some time before the results show. If you really love your boyfriend, it’s worth investing some time and effort in making your relationship work.Happy Valentine!
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