A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Boyfriend and I broke up I'm very depressed this Christmas we had been together for a year with a 2 month breakup in between because he refused to tell anyone about me... He claims to be private I took him back because I don't believe he was seeing women behind my back and I felt like I was in love with him.He was perfect in every way other than not telling people about me...He never did tell his family about me . Anyways.. we got back together he is in the Military and I knew that in a year he will have to move from now .. we agreed to a long distance relationship because he couldn't make up his mind about me coming along with him or not. He said he would be given a few choices of where he wanted to go... that was 6 months ago and he said that he might go overseas that korea was an option and I said if you want to go to Korea and live for 3 years I think we should end our relationship I Can't travel that far and get air sick or have the funds.. He said well I wouldn't pick it then I would pick closer to you.... keep in mind this was six months ago we discussed this. Well we recently got back together we had been hooking up at hotels while broken up.. I wanted him back he had sex with me at these hotels and I was happy but wanted to be his girlfriend again he refused to take me to his home. At the hotel he got really sick like a stomach flu I took care of him and he finally let me back into his home. I asked where this was going were we friends with benefits or what ? He said just think of it as you want why does everything have to have a title ? I cried and asked if he knew yet where he was moving he said no ... I asked if I was special to him he said yes I was important I told him I loved him and asked if he would see me again when he moved just as friends at least he said he didn't know I cried and said maybe we should not see each other anymore because if he can visit other female friends a women he was friends with got married and he attended her wedding why would he not see me ? He said he didn't say he wouldn't see me he would when he was able. I then just suggested we stop having sex and break up he then agreed to be my boyfriend again... I was so happy... then a week later I found out some disturbing things about him and a female cousin often share a bed when he stays with her.. I also found a porn stash with toys that didn't bother me only the fact he uses dildos and I asked before if he wanted to try different stuff and have found odd porn stuff and that's ok only he had a hard time getting an erection so I suggested using the dildo p spot stuff and he refused... anyways I just felt like I didn't make him happy in bed. To get back to my main issue . So I brought up the whole where are you going to be stationed and he refused to answer I asked if we had a future if he loves me we sat in silence for 30 mins him staring at the wall blankly before saying... I'm going to Korea.. I asked when? He said he didn't know .. I asked when was he going to tell me he said he just got the paper work .. I asked if he had other options and after about another 10 mins of refusing to answer he said Texas.. I said why would you lie to me you have known this for over a month chose Korea over being closer to me then said I was your girlfriend... why just to keep having sex with me if I would have known I would have broke this off . why did you say I was your girlfriend? Why didn't you tell me ? He said what is wrong with him going to Korea I said because I had a right to know. He claims other wise in his head and couldn't even say sorry. He said sarcastically sorry I'm going to Korea. So I slapped him . I know I should not have hit him but I feel like he decieved me and felt sexually violated he had just had sex with me literal an hour ago . I am so hurt and angry then he refused to let me leave his apartment because he didn't want me walking home like he cares. I had a friend pick me up. I'm ashamed of myself for attacking him a few good times . Am I a horrible person ? I just snapped. I have never been good enough for this man he has never told me he loved me but told me he loved all his exes at one point. Maybe it's my fault after all I let him treat me this way... I just hate myself. I look like some monster abuser. I'm so depressed I already suffer from anxiety issues and take antidepressants.. this man took easy my self esteem but I feel like I should have just left him he confused me by always taking care of me like helping me out when I needed him but he never gave me a commitment. I don't care about money I wanted love. I feel broken . How do I mend everyone says stay away from him he is a user. I hope I can. Thanks for reading sorry for the ramble.
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broke up, christmas, cousin, depressed, dildo, erection, friend with benefits, got back together, his ex, long distance, military, money, porn, self esteem, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 December 2018):
 Look, this man was never your boyfriend. He wanted to go to Korea precicely to be able to say you should end things. You can't cry and make a man committ to you. He was quite clear from day 1 when not telling anyone about you, that you're not his girlfriend. You loved him, but you didn't know the true him.
It's okay to make mistakes in life. You made a mistake trusting him. Forgive yourself for that mistake. Its how we all learn. At least you didnt give him all your savings, men like him usually bleed their victims dry. Now forgive yourself for this mistake, learn from it, and build yourself up.
Him treating you wrong does not mean you deserved it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2018):
 OP, you HAVE to take some responsibility here as well.
You keep making this about him and what HE chooses to do, like it's ONLY him who can make ALL the choices. IT'S NOT!
Someone who doesn't want to date you "in public" is not someone who will TREAT you right. You KNEW that, that is why you QUESTIONS his motives.
Yes, you shouldn't be proud that you resorted to violence. It was NOT the right choice.
The LONGER you waste your life on a guy who CAN NOT really see your worth (like this guy) the LOWER you will sink. HE didn't MAKE you hit him. He didn't MAKE you become abusive. YOU made that choice. Maybe out of frustration and desperation, but it was STILL your choice. And a bad one at that.
So what do you do now? YOU learn from this.
1. you CUT HIM OFF 100%.
2. You WORK on yourself. You need to find things in life that MAKES you happy. And no, not a man. It can be helping others, it can be working out, volunteering, saving up for a NICE vacation (yes, it can be SELF indulgent things too!) hobbies, family etc.
3. TAKE a break from dating and men.
4. Consider finding a therapist and work through WHY you (yes, YOU) let this go so far.
Also I would LIKE to point out that I find your comment about feeling sexually violated because he was going to Korea rather than Texas, and STILL had sex with you, I found that comment disturbing.
He didn't SEXUALLY violate you. He USED you and you LET him (in hopes that it would MAKE him love you).
You can and WILL not change his mind. YOU are NOT a priority to him. And that is HIS loss. Not yours.
ACCEPT what you already know. That he is BAD for you. That you WANT and DESERVE better.
Let him go and focus on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): I am sorry but you are clinging onto someone who is not worth it. He is messing you about, he is telling you what you want to hear to keep you on a piece of string. If he genuinely wanted to be with you he would and you know this deep down hence your frustration and desperation to find answers.
We have all been there, i had this with one or two men in my life and let me say that the reluctance is quite simple, he does not consider you as his girlfriend long term if at all and i would wager a bet he is sleeping with at least one other person other than yourself.
You are not silly, you know his behaviour is not a normal response, the clues are there, you have outlined them and you are hating yourself because you don't want to let him go so you are lashing out in frustration.
I met my boyfriend when i was 44 years old having been on my own many years, trust me when i say this you are not too old to find old and if you allow yourself the time to recover from this idiot you are entertaining there is no reason why you can't meet a decent man.
Only you know why you are clinging onto this man but from reading what you have wrote he is not a keeper in any way shape or from.
The best thing o ever did was tell a man who mucked me around for a fairly long time that i had had it with him and i walked away with my head held high, please don't let this man mess you around any more, he is wasting your time and you deserve to be treated better.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 December 2018):
 I found your post very sad. Very sad because you think you are not worth better than this.
Sweetheart, if you are his dirty little secret, then there is a good reason for it. It is NOT because he is a "private person". It is because he is either up to no good with other women (or men), or he is ashamed of you. Either way, it is not good for you and you deserve better.
People will only treat us as we ALLOW them to treat us. You have ALLOWED him to treat you like a convenience, a grubby little secret. So he tells you he loved all his previous partners? I wouldn't mind betting THEY have a different story to tell and he only decided he loved them when they left him. He sounds emotionally constipated. Staring at a wall for half an hour because your "girlfriend" has asked if you love her is not normal behaviour. There again, waiting for that length of time for an answer is far from "normal". Most people would have got up and walked out after much shorter a time. His lack of an answer should have given you a CLEAR answer. He does NOT love you.
He makes major life decisions without consulting with you or even informing you of them until he can use them as a distraction from an uncomfortable situation. He keeps you secret from his friends and family. What part of his behaviour makes you think he loves you?
Just as an aside, how do you know the dildo was for HIM? And as for sharing a bed with an adult female cousin, that alone would be a deal breaker for many.
You need to work on your self esteem and self confidence. You are worth more than this. This guy has already screwed up your head. Get out while you can still have SOME straight thoughts.
Whoever "everyone" is, listen to them and walk away before he completely kills any self esteem you have left.
New year, new start. Make it happen. YOU are in control.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 December 2018):
 Why have you wasted so much time on this guy?
He is using you for sex, it’s so obvious. If a guy won’t tell anyone about you then there’s a reason for it. I am a private person. I don’t want my relationship plastered all over social media but all my family and friends know I’m in a relationship. My GF has met all of them and vice versa. If your ‘BF’ can’t do that for you then why do you think that is?
The obvious answer would be that he’s meeting other women and going around claiming that he’s single. He doesn’t want any trace of you in the public eye so he can tell people he has no GF. He feeds you a bit of bullshit every time he needs to get you hooked so you’ll sleep with him again. If you tell someone that you love them and they stare at a wall for 30 minutes in response do you think that means they love you back? Or that they can’t think of anything to say back to you?
The guy is a waste of time and space and the longer you chase him the shittier you will feel. Block and delete him and move on with your life. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to be your partner. You aren’t a doormat so don’t act like one.
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