A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok, where do i start. i guess it all started 4 years ago. I was with my first boyfriend for ten months. he broke up with me and 2 weeks later he was with my best friend. i lost the 2 of them. my other best friend left too. i was so alone. then came another girl R, she was my best friend for 2 years. she came on a skiing trip with me and my family and we got into a lot of trouble over there and my parents never trusted me again. R cheated on her boyfriend in austria and she distanced herself ever since. so i also lost her. i got close to another girl L. in the same year, i was raped. it will be a year next month. L hasnt talked to me since. i had no one. i was so afraid and depressed and i had no friends. i always had men showing me loads of attention but after the rape its different. i tried to sleep with a man because i couldnt stand the thought of the rapist being the last person that i slept with, but i couldnt sleep with him. i started to scream and he kind of ran away. i tried to talk to the people at the rape crisis centre but i coudnt i told them im fine but im not. i cant talk. then 6 months after the rape, i met someone. i took me as who i am and didnt mind that i wasnt ready to have sex. he made me feel wanted and loved. i fell in love with him straight away even thought it took me 3 months to say yes for a date. but he made me feel great. i dont know how i feel real hard for him but i did. we did have sex and it was hard at first but he got me through it, i got really sick and was in hospital. they doctors said that i was pregnant but because of the sickness and the tablets i had a miscarriage. when i told my boyfriend he said it was ok. that we would get through it together. its been 2 weeks since that and he left me for another girl. he told me because i lost the baby, he cant love me anymore. he oes out of his way to be awful to me. im still dealing with everything and i feel like whats the point in my life. anyone i get close too ends up hurting me. i got raped, i cant sleep, i cant talk to anyone. i lost my baby, which i was blamed for.. and my health isnt the best. what should i do? and was my boyfiend right? did he leave to punish me for having a miscarriage? i feel so lost..
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female
reader, nalongo  +, writes (15 September 2012):
A million cyberhugs my dear. I went through the same sometime back. My boyfriend of over 8 years blamed me for miscarrying, hence our bitter breakup. He was not supportive at all as i miscarried (not even a call) yet i almost lost my life. In my case, it was a long distance relationship; i visited him for 2 months and during that time i realised that i gotten pregnant. I had never seen him more excited. On returning to where i lived, i miscarried a month later.... having been seperated (but we were still communicating - on a daily), he blamed me for it; saying that i had aborted. Not until i realised that he was actually cheating on me all that time and with different girls. I still hate him so much but i am moved on; in fact i am happily married.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): You have to go seek professional help. For all of these issues you are having. Seriously go get help, there's more to your story than any of us could know (even you) and you need to get to the bottom of what's happening in your life.
Forget about this guy and try not think too much about why he did what he did, he's a scumbag it's as simple as that. You'll get over him but you need to find out what's going on in your relationships in general, that they always seem to fall apart after a certain amount of time.
I have a woman friend who has a similar story to you. Let me ask you are your friendships very intense and short lasting? Is this how your relationships to other people usually pan out? A whirlwind of deep and heavy emotions and almost constant dramatic events.
My friend has very few friends over all, her friendships become very intense very quickly. If she connects with a person then in a short space of time she becomes best friends with them and over reliant on that person. She finds it very hard to trust people so when she finds someone she deems as trustworthy she puts everything into the friendship and is exceptionally afraid of abandonment.
She either venerates or demonizes people, there is no middle ground with her and eventually her relationships fall apart because no one can live up to what she expects from people, yet she is willing to let people walk all over her just as long as they don't abandon her. This has led her to get awful abuse and poor treatment by other people her whole life. But when she has a good person in her life she suffocates and strangles the relationship by fact that things go so wrong in her other relationships.
You might not be similar to her at all, but I see some similarities in your life experiences. The hardest part is that as a good friend to her I got involved in her life too deeply, as you may have guessed our own relationship became very intense very quickly but the fact that she always had some kind of major drama in her life has become too much for me on a number of occasions and I've had to distance myself from her a bit and lots of times I've just had to walk away or get sucked in to her life, which I can't let happen. It's too much sometimes and most of the good people she's had in her life had to leave because they got sucked in, hurt by the self destructive life she leads. It's not her fault but she just can't cope with even the most minor little problems in her life and when as a friend you can't do anything to help except stand there and watch as she lets things get out of hand and not listen to advice or try to solve them, then her friends have to take a step back and protect themselves.
A few months back her boyfriend of years left her for the 40th time because she had a miscarriage and blamed her for it. Yet a couple of months later she got back with him, even after he used a weapon to physically attack me, her supposed closest friend, she chose to take him back. Everything in your post she has experienced and more than once.
Why am I telling you this when it might not have any bearing on you at all? This woman, like you has a pattern of abandonment in her life and like you she's sought help but never actually followed through because confronting what's actually wrong with her and her life is way more scary to her than just dealing with the constant shit life seems to throw at her. She's scared that if she confronted her issues that it would all be too much for her and she'd be a basket case. She'd rather just keep going hoping it will fade in time, but it won't and it effects everything she does. I can seriously say I've never met a person that attracts such constant and very serious drama in her life all the time. I've been her friend for a few years now and I've established in my own mind why it happens and while she's not to blame for any of it because she's a actually really good person with great morals and care and respect for others she does enable all these things because she won't take the steps necessary in order to learn to better cope with these issues because she won't confront them.
What I'm trying to say is it's to time confront everything that has happened to you. Don't blame yourself and don't be afraid to do what you have to do. Life doesn't have to be this horrible and there is nothing in life that can't be overcome as long as you're willing to do what's necessary, regardless of how painful or scary it may be.
Don't be like my friend she's in her mid 40's now and has lived this way too long, running away from the things that have made her this way has only left her open to let it happen again. She doesn't realize that the pain of confronting her life and the things that happened to her is nothing compared to having to live with the effects of them for another 30 years. It may be devastating in the short term to fully accept and address what's happened but it's better than just letting those events scar your life.
You need to get help and you need to be completely open and willing to let them help you, no matter how scary it is you can and will do it, because the alternative is not even worth considering.
Remember don't blame yourself for anything, it's not your fault. The past can't be changed but you can definitely change what bearing it has on your life right now. Go do what you have to do to heal and start building yourself a great life. Good luck and I hope you find your way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): You have a lot of issues with your rape crisis. It seems as your screaming out for help. Don't ignore your plea for help. You ex bf didn't dump you because you had a miscarry. He dump you because he was free of you and your unborn child. He don't want to father a child with you so your to risky. You may get pregnant so he moved on.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (24 October 2010):
 I wish to start out by saying that you are strong for having been able to meet someone after what happened to you and there is a point to your life.
You need to reach out and go to a rape crisis center until you KNOW your shattered soul has been rebuilt. You did not deserve any punishment for that miscarriage, it was in no way your fault. Your body, your womb was what nurtured that fetus and helped it grow, for however short a time it did. What killed it was something darker. But it was not you and you cannot blame yourself nor should you let anyone else blame you too. Your boyfriend was too much of a fool to have loved and I am almost confident that the same will happen to his current girlfriend, he will leave her in tears for something less.
You deserve someone better. You found love once and I assure you, you can do it again, someone you will meet will love you and care for you more than that boy ever could. You may think it impossible, you may think it pointless. Is it? Is it pointless to love someone with all your heart? Is it impossible in this world to find someone whose heart may actually beat with love? The world may be a cruel and unforgiving place but it has its share of benevolence and I do not use that world lightly. When I see benevolence, I know it and there are loving people out there. In them may you find a lover and a friend.
But first you need to find help for yourself. Remember that you do have a purpose and it is going unfulfilled. You can inspire people and though you have already started, you have to keep going and find that happy ending you deserve. Get help then smile again, as hard as it may be, you need to forget about the past and look forward into a brighter future.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): My sweet girl,
No, no, none of this is your due just or "your got it coming to your type of thing". You have just had so many painful and hurtful things happen so fast and so MANY, all kinda close. The rape of course, was not your fault......You know men who rape women, it's just all about control and low self esteem right? It's very true. He is just sorry excuse of a human being, lost and very sick. As far as your baby goes, that was a very horrible accident, you did NOT make that happen. Sometimes, when the baby is growing in your belly it is not well, so, nature takes its course to ease the pain of a bad life.....(I don't really want to go here, very sick children, very hurt, not born with everything they need) Focus on the other positive things in your life, like your still living.........Please get some counseling, pretty please. Dearest girl, your pain hurts me!!!!!!!! Big hugs from Shana
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): Okay none of that atall was your fault, i'm sorry about the rape and the miscarriage, my heart goes for you, your ex isn't right about it being your fault because you couldn't do anything about it, he shouldn't of done that to you after all you went through; message me if you get the time and you can talk to me about anything okay? Im here to help you xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010): You have been through so much, but i know you will get through it. you sound like a strong person and a very good person. don't dwell on the past, because the future could hold so much for you. If you need anyone to talk to please send me a message and i will try to help you through anything your going through. I wish you the best of luck and i'm sure you will find someone that will treat you like a princess...thats what you deserve and don't let anyone tell you different.
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