A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I know a lot of people don't believe that kissing someone else is cheating but i do. Anyways, my boyfriend and I have been dating since June 2011, I didn't know at the time we began dating that one of his friends had feelings for him. He told me after we got together and i felt bad because I dont want her to think i took him away from her, i just didn't know she liked him. Fast forward a few months, he tells me the girl who likes him says im a bitch and that no one likes me and she wonders how he deals with me. I got really upset, i had never done anything to her. I yelled at her she yelled back and we got into a fight. After the fight we never spoke again. He continued to hangout with her..but with groups of mutual friends. It upset me, but i couldnt help but think i was being too clingy, so i backed off and let him hangout with her. Just last month..she texts me saying he cheated on me. I asked her for proof, and she sent me numerous screenshots of messages between them. I confronted him, he didnt fess up. Then she told me he kissed her back in June 2012.. when we had been dating for a year. I was heart broken. I burst into tears and we broke up for a few weeks. He told me she said she purposely flirted with him because she hated me. She apologized to me when we were texting,. I'm upset that he lied to me..and to know everyone knew except me. I felt like an idiot. What do i do? He's changed a lot from what i've seen. hes blocked her and removed her off his phone. I'm not naive and i know it could happen again. We're trying to work things out, but its always in the back of my mind. I'm scared he doesn't like me, and he likes her.am i making a big deal out of nothing?
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2013):
 are you making a big deal out of nothing? of course not! he lied and cheated on you, sweetheart. and anyone who says kissing someone else isn't cheating is just a whore. lol. sorry, but no gentle way to put that. i don't know anyone who doesn't consider kissing someone else cheating.
anyway, i can't really tell you how to handle this situation. no one can. only you know what's in your heart. it sounds like the main source of the problem has been removed. but the thing is, she should have been removed long before now. why didn't he do this years ago when she was causing problems or interferring in your relationship? it took her ratting him out for her to do that. that's kinda BS, OP. doesn't look too good on his behalf. if he cared, he should have done this years ago.
if you want to stay with him because you love him, that's a tough road to walk. more power to you. i'd have a very tough time forgiving this. however, this girl is to permanently be removed from your lives as long as you're together. is this something he intends to do? not just because he's a little mad at her now for spilling the news. but because he realizes it's not fair to have her in his life while trying to build trust with you.
i personally couldn't be with him if this were me. the trust is already broken and i'd wonder what else had happened the whole time.
anyway, good luck with everything.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (21 March 2013):
 "He told me after we got together and i felt bad because I dont want her to think i took him away from her, i just didn't know she liked him."Why did you feel bad? She had/has feelings for your boyfriend and those are her feelings that have absolutely nothing to do with your relationship. You did not take him away. He simply chose to date you over dating her and that was his decision. It was also HIS decision to stay "friends" with a girl, who had feelings for him, fully knowing that they could never have a platonic friendship. When someone has a crush, or is in love with their friend, they're NOT friends and they will never be just friends."...he tells me the girl who likes him says im a bitch and that no one likes me and she wonders how he deals with me."Why would your boyfriend still want to hang out and be "friends" with someone that has said that about you is the first question? And why would you think you're being "too clingy" if you were to tell him to not hang out with her? Not only is she in love with your boyfriend, but she is talking trash about you. The fact that he would even want to be friends with her after she is disrespecting you and your relationship, shows me he has no problem doing the same thing to you. And he has proven it by lying and cheating on you."He told me she said she purposely flirted with him because she hated me. She apologized to me when we were texting,"Ehh what? He already told you that he liked him. What seems more plausible to you: she flirted with him because she LIKES him as he already told you, OR that she flirted with him because she hates you? And if you're naive enough to believe it's because she hates you, ask yourself: why does she hate you? Could it be because she loves your boyfriend? And whatever the case may be, HE himself chose to flirt back. No one forced him to flirt with her, to hang out with her and to kiss her. He chose to do all those things by himself."I felt like an idiot. What do i do?"If you don't want to feel like an idiot and look like an idiot in front of everyone, you will need to realize that the best solution for your well being and your confidence is to break up with him. Take this as a lesson learned: if a man hangs around a female that he knows has feelings for him, things will eventually get out of hand and cheating will inevitably come into play. Likewise, if you're willing to forgive a man for cheating, he will lose respect for you and chances are he will do it in the future again. You're so young and you have your youth and beauty to attract all types of men. If he cheated on you only after a year ( and the first year is the honeymoon phase), can you imagine what will have 5, 10 years down the line?
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A
female
reader, Rosy2011  +, writes (21 March 2013):
Break up with him. If you let him treat you like that he'll do it again.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 This is a big deal. At first I thought the kiss was like a friendly peck on the face. A kiss on the back is more than friendly, it's like adoration and combined with pages of messaging it was cheating. Why two girls like him so much is beyond me. He is a liar and cheater. I don't think that girl wants to be with him now, knowing what he is capable of. She just hated the fact that he chose you over her. Your so called boyfriend likes you both and doesn't know why he is in a relationship but does not feel a need to break up, well partly it's because you passively let him have his cake and eat it too. Not wanting him to hang out with her is boundaries, it's making things right, it's not you being clingy. One girl is not enough for him if it wasn't that girl it would be another one in the future. You know it could happen again so there is no point in working things out just so you don't have to deal with another break up now. You don't have to wait until you find another evidence of him cheating. The direction of your relationship had changed from fun, carefree to insecure surveillance and fixing problems. Realize that it has nothing to do with you so you don't have to take anything personally. It's him being immature and not knowing how to love. You are not even asking can a cheater change. You already know he will do it again so you should call it quits with him.
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